What I want in a man? part 1

As I put down my fingers on my laptop to begin to write this midnight  , all that I could hear is the voice of someone very familiar to me , the voice that  I have heard for twenty five years of my life , the voice of my mother chiding me to have always a to-do list , ‘’tolulope, always have a plan , and for heavens’ sake , be tidy ‘’ , she will  go ahead and rebuke me in her exasperated voice ‘’ how are you coping in this room , can’t  you just tidy it up and have a plan on how to keep it clean ‘’.

‘’Plan’’ , did I hear just remember that, this is a word that am not genetically oriented to like and then as a teenager I was always lost because to me ‘list’ sounds like a Latin word , my Dad love to use to intimidate his friends who are not smart enough to remember it from their Latin classes.  I can’t count the number of times I was forced to have this ‘list’  conversation with my mum, heaven knows that then I love to tidy up my room , but I just  can’t keep it clean because am always in a hurry to pick things up and never return to where I met it , so my room was always untidy.

As I grew up and started to mature into a young lady , people that I met attributed my lack of organisation to my temperament , they introduced me to Tim Lahaye and his bestselling book ‘Why You Act the Way You Do’, when I read this book, a feeling of exhilaration ran through my spine , as I couldn’t wait to tell my folks of why I can’t keep my room tidy and why I can’t just have a list. Trust my dad to always have a wise answer to every of my ‘’weird discovery’’ , he told me in Yoruba ‘’ tii idi baje , tii onidi ni o ma da’’ , meaning ‘’ if one’s life turns out to be bad , it’s the business of the owner , not anyone’’.

When I started working in corporate organisations , I discovered something called ‘STICK-ONS’, it’s a piece of paper that one can write on and stick it to the table  to remind us of what we need to do , and again, I failed with this new technology , not only do this stick-ons come in hard copy , they are there on my system waiting for me to write my list on it , so that I may have a better output. I tried to for days to write down my plans , aspirations , people to call, people to send texts to , books to read , time to wake up at night to pray , devoted time to study the Word e.t.c.

The truth is that I really tried in following this plan , I prayed to God to  give me the discipline to structure my life  after this list of mine , but I kept on  failing , however overtime I just gave up on the ‘List’ issue and began to live my life on impulse which is the wrongest thing anyone can do. Last afternoon , I was chatting with my senior friend ,Buky, and she mentioned ‘’ tolulope , you should have a list of what you want in a man, how you want him to look, his desires if they match yours, if I wanted to be a stay home mum , if I want to have plenty kids and so on’’.

Immediately Buky mentioned ‘list’ , I knew I was in trouble , because she was correct in telling me to have a list of what I want in man, and really I have never sat to compile a list about this most critical aspect of my life . She mentioned ‘List’ and I discovered how scattered and disillusioned have being on this ‘Love life’ of mine. I am 25 , and it is highly pathetic that  I don’t have a list , not even a make shift one , as she casually advised , I knew that I was obviously not ready for the aisle because in the list she tried putting up for me , I was lost.

After the chat , while working in the newsroom ,surrounded by quiet humming’s of the split air conditioners and the frequent promptings of the Chief Editor , I asked myself  this question ‘’WHAT DO I WANT IN A MAN?

Saying No to issues

Few years ago , thoughts of sleeping alone in a room could make  me convulse , the mere sight of darkness made me wet my pants several times , then I guess I was just possessed with the spirit called fear , and trust my daddy, he made sure He took a drastic step to stop this my unreasonable habit.

Over dinner in my house , my dad will  intentionally talk about  the metaphysical world, he will gist my mother about the ghosts of family friends that appeared to him or to someone else , he will go ahead and lecture us about the power we have as living beings and how to say No to fear , but that didn’t help me , it only compounded my problems. He said we should learn to read people and have minds of our own , he taught us to be independent and confident in whatever situation we found ourselves, he drummed in our ears ‘’ don’t be yes men , learn to say No when  you need to say it , and vice versa’’.

Sadly my daddy’s expectation were not birthed on me as I am a middle child and I have a terrible disease , which for years has been  sucking me dry; I have an APPROVAL ADDICTION SYDROME.I don’t need a doctor to explain the pathological history of my illness to me , I know the symptoms , am aware of its destructive effects , the first step to the healing is to admit of its existence,

So to everybody that knows me and really thinks am cool, nice, maybe too nice sometimes, am sorry to announce to you that I have a sickness that makes me try so hard to make people like me , I just care too much about what people think about me . I am a needy individual, the thoughts of being in the bad books of relatives and  friends grieve me  and  it has made me addicted to this habit of always saying ‘YES’ to everyone

As a middle child , I feel it’s my responsibility to work hard for love , as a child , I struggled a lot for recognition from people , but no matter how much I tried , I am just the ‘ insignificant ugly duckling of the family’ then  all I used to hear from insensitive people were  ‘’ how come you are part of the Odeyemi’s , you are not even as brilliant as them , others are so pretty  and you are such a tomboy’’. As I grew with these words , something in me kept  telling me that I need to prove a point to people , a niggling thought kept on whispering to  me to work hard for people’s love , the more I try , the more frustrated and disillusioned I become . So for over a decade of my life, I have been a hard worker in the department of love   , I feel always unworthy to accept love that is given without strings, something in me screams that I should be nice to everyone so they can love me, my philosophy for over 23 years is to ‘’ always bring something to the table ‘’

This sickness had spilled into everything I have , at work , I can’t stop smiling to people , because I need to create an impression that I am that ‘ cute , smiley girl ‘which I know am not , am not bad either . In church ,  I am not really into the smiling thing ,but  come to see me on a Sunday morning ,  you are sure to see a peacock all fluttered with array of colours , I dress to always make a statement that  ‘’I am tush now , so  I  am qualified to be  your friend’’.

At home , I am that perfect homebody that respects everybody even the pets , I stuff my emotions in , so that folks will not know  the real me , I have heard comments like ‘’ tolulope doesn’t get angry , she is so calm ‘’ and I used to wonder about the truth of this statement  , because it’s just a blatant lie , I get angry , seriously hurt , I just don’t know how to show it . Because of my supposedly calm nature , I became a foot mat to people, because they usually feel they can get away with anything from me.

In my relationship, which is the funniest thing , I don’t like guys who are falling head over heels in love with me , because they look kind of cheap , I mean too accessible to me , I love to go to places where I have to work hard for love , so severally , I have found myself in bad situations where I need to literally chase a guy, my sickness has prevented from accepting love from people that love me for who I am.

With God, it’s more complex , because most times , I just it  find so hard to believe  that God will love me , the Scriptures sometimes look too simple and easy , I read about Jesus ‘s sacrifice , my favourite in the scriptures is Isaiah , which  eulogises God’s love and redemption for mankind , in all of this , I still struggle to believe , doubts plague my mind about how God is too holy to associate with someone like  me.

But there is no one like my God , He is patient with me , He knows my frame , He understands my weaknesses , whenever I break down and cry to Him to help me , He always remembers that He has dealt with ladies like me before , He closes His eyes , and He sees  RAHAB, BATHSEBA ,MARY MAGADLENE and He smiles because I am just one of His special girls . As He holds me in His hands , He keeps telling me that He’s not through with me , that I were to be  the only person that needed salvation , He will still  had come . This season I am not thinking about the weave on I need to fix, or the shows I need to go to  , or  the young man that I really need him to call me , am thinking and am praying frantically to God to teach me to accept His love and make me  say No to all the issues in my life.

I need to hold my head high in His presence and be the woman He wants me to be.

Walking the ok road

Months ago in my home, my 2 and half years old niece added few sentences to her grammatical kitty. How a child grows from that tiny little babe to a toddler that babbles and experiments with various words is still a mystery to me , sometimes I can’t just understand these growth processes in them ,because it occurs so fast , that if one is not so  careful , one will lose out on those awesome moments of their childhood.

Back to my niece’s new sentences , months  ago as I was doing the dishes at night , she quietly sneaked up behind me and held my legs and she said ‘ ‘aunty tolu , what’s you doing?’ ‘ in her clearly foreign accent . I turned to her and laughed with joy , because that was the first time she will ask a question in a direct English way ,  she asked again ” aunty tolu , what’s you doing?’ ‘, this time with a little agitation and curiosity. I replied ”am washing plates ”  and she further asked ”why”, and I replied ”because they are dirty’ ‘and she went further and asked ”why are they dirty?”.

After the launching of these new sentences by my niece, she has never stopped in bombarding me and others in the house with these words. Ranging from calls to taking of bath to watching of programmes, she kept asking ‘what’s you doing?’ One day, as I was dressing up straight from the bathroom, she followed me and asked in her tiny voice ‘aunty tolu, what’s you doing? It suddenly hit me of my relationship with God, this revelation left me laughing and highly vulnerable.

Over the years I have had many situations in which I have questioned God , grievous situations I have deeply called on Him and asked him childishly ‘ what He’s  doing?’ , ‘why  is He taking so long to answer me? ‘, ‘where is He when I fell into a particular sin?’, and how is that I am the only one going through a specific life sapping  situation, when will He come and destroy my enemies? .

Like my niece , I don’t usually wait for His answers , am always  so wrapped up in the pains and the questions  that I don’t know when He answers but one thing I have come to realise is this; He always answers every of my prayers but His answers might not be what am expecting , so like a fool , I go ahead and ask Him the same questions ,He has already answered.

Just last week, my sister told me that Seyitan (my niece) has gone from ‘the why stage’ to the ‘okay stage’, I asked how, my sister said Seyitan no longer asks for reasons why things are the way they are , not that she is not inquisitive again but once she asks the first time and she is given an answer , she replies with’ okay’ and let go of the subject matter , trusting completely the informant of the answer.

Deciding to be like Seyitan (my niece), I have thought in my heart   to employ the ‘okay method’ in my relationship with God,  I still love asking questions and God knows there are a lot of them to ask, but the difference will be this; I will ask each question once and waits patiently for His answer, as soon as He does, I will go ahead and say ‘Okay Lord’ and trust Him completely .

After all He’s the Elshaddi , the Creator of the all world ,and more than ever I am so confident in His Love for me , so am seriously waiting for His  next answer so I can boldly tell Him ‘OKAY LORD’.

Much ado about underwears

As ridiculous as this  sound , many women in Nigeria doesn’t just understand what it means to be clean ‘inside out’, it just elude them , most are perplexed on how they should go about their ‘unmentionable’s business’ . They seem to know the right cloth to wear, the right accessories to adorn, but excuse me  , they are just plainly clueless when it comes to their undergarments  (pants and bra).

To anybody that has a budding relationship with English Language, you’ve probably have  heard of this phrase ‘don’t ever be caught pants down’ , whoever came up with this phrase had in mind ‘Nigerian women ‘ . Day after day  the western world creeps fastly into our system, it has taken over almost everything , ranging from clothes to shoes to bags to watches , even our hair has been gladly  replaced by the Brazilian , Indians of this world, now it is so  normal for a layman to  rattle the names of ‘JIMMY CHOO’, ‘ESTEE LAUDER ‘, XOXO’ , e.t.c  in the fashion world , but sadly enough one thing that has refused to be learnt and glued in our minds is our underwears . We simply don’t care about these most intimate garments that lie everyday next to our skins. What I see on most ladies are not pants nor bras , they are simply ‘rags’ to cover our p****c areas.

One funny thing about  the season am in now as a young lady is that I get to be naked often , when I say often , I mean regularly , and I get to see a lot of naked bodies  too , though not between the sheets but during the usual  wedding ceremonies , when we friends of the bride get to sleep in the same room. The morning after the engagement party is one show I perversely  look forward  to because there , we the fashionistas  will get to judge the best looking bra , the slinkiest  pants , the sexiest thong and woe betide whoever is found with the torn ones. The only one always excluded from this judgement is the bride because she will have wisely thrown to the bin ‘the scary undergarments’ in readiness to meet her groom.

Gone are the days when the sins of wearing torn, dirty undies are easily forgiven by husbands, but times are changing , it has become an offence not restricted to the hubby’s jurisdiction  , but to the general public.  It is embarrassing enough to have, what we call ‘unmentionables ‘sneak a peep’ outside here and there from ladies’ clothes, but it is shameful and unforgivable for the underwears  to be dirty or torn.

Bus rides in Lagos  make me squeamish  and uncomfortable  , not because of the unruly ,eccentric behaviour of the drivers and conductors , because I am kind of used to that , but it is always nauseating   to be subjected to the unholy ,pornographic display of pants and bra . Many times , I have to close my eyes and take a journey into the spirit , so as not to throw up at the sight of these irritating pieces called undergarments .

Before you go ahead to cast me as a self righteous soul , I know it’s  extremely hard being a woman in this age especially in Nigeria  , but no one is asking you to do  designers’ with these undergarments .It’s certainly no one business if you buy pants from ‘Victoria Secret’ or bras  from ‘La zenza’, just be like me and buy regularly from that woman that sells at dozen prize in Balogun market.

p.s: this piece was originally published in NEXT ON SUNDAY on November 15,2010.this is my unabridged copy.

Baby Girl, learn the seasons

How I just love this particular verse in the Scriptures that says ‘’ To everything there is a season and time to every purpose under the heaven’’ . I have to confess that I have been acquainted with this verse since my childhood days at CAC ,Oke Alafia in Ilesha , at every quiz event in my church , I had opportunities to recite this verse but I never did knew  its meaning or how it will come to affect my life as a young woman.

As a growing young girl from the countryside ,I had so many first events that I cannot forget in a hurry , the first time was when I was taken to the nursery school, that day was memorable as I was the only girl who didn’t know how to stop crying when my dad left me . Another first event in my life was when I experienced the tingling sensation in my belly and erratic beating of my heart when my brother’s male friend looked straight at me , then I was just 9 , that was my first crush . Another first in my life was when I discovered I had the ability to bleed every month; it was such an embarrassing event because it caught me in school. Since then I have become so acquainted to series of ‘first events’, that I don’t exactly know what  midlife or end of life meant.

Fuelled with my desire to be the best in everything, I give no allowances for mistakes ,night after night   on my bed , I muse over my mapped out life , I had it all written down upon the tablet of my heart .Then if I were to be woken up from sleep to recite my life , I will have given it like this : Finish secondary school with A’s in all papers, get admitted into OAU to study Law , fall in love with the tall dark and handsome dude in Medicine , graduate with 1st Class , get married immediately after Law School ,honeymoon in the Caribbean’s , get pregnant on the wedding night , live happily ever after. Those were my dreams and desires, in all of this I neglected the One who owns the ends of the earth, I shunned His advice about times and seasons .

So in due time, the Owner of the life started showing me what time and seasons meant, He first started with my dreams of being a lawyer. Firstly, I missed admission into OAU, number 1 dream shattered; I courageously opted for the 2nd option: UNAD. I could still remember how excited I was when I was admitted into the University as a Law student , I had stars in my eyes then because being a lawyer was everything to me , I idolised this profession , thoughts of sending people to jail then rushes adrenalin into my body , but the Owner had a different idea . After two days in the Law class, I was graciously excused out of Law forever by the Vice Chancellor himself. Hence I started my journey as a literary person in English , for me to succeed here I needed to wipe off my lawyer dreams , I needed to step into the ‘Elizabethan , Soyinkan and Victorian age .

Not too long from this event , I met a young man whom I fell in love with at first sight , I could still remember those heartbeats that threatened to betray me whenever this young man comes near , this time I felt and thought these tingles, heartbeats were forever , how I loved this young man , if it were possible for a young black girl to blush , I guess I will have been given the best blusher of the year because I couldn’t just stop being attracted to this guy with the most penetrating gaze ever .

Again the Owner stepped in and clearly told me that there is a time to love and a time to hate , when I heard it didn’t make any sense as I searched for reasons why I will come to hate this my Prince Charming , even if he turned out to be a jerk , which eventually happened , I will still love him , I reasoned within myself. Sooner or later, my Prince Charming turned sadly into a frog, not just a quiet, nice frog, but a nauseating ugly frog and I had no choice than to turn away from his arms .

Seasons , seasons was all I heard whenever I took time out to tearfully pour out my heart to God , at a time I told Him to please never to bring those bad seasons again , I pleaded with Him never to allow me go through the valleys again because it is so scary and painful . He told me He allowed me to go through the pain of being rejected at Law Class because He wanted me to know that it is not a profession that makes a man but His favour.
I reluctantly agreed to this because my obsessive love with Law had disappeared but again I argued with Him about my relationship that hit the rock , when He heard this , He laughed and quietly told me ‘Woe to them that put their trust in man’. When He said this, I became ashamed of myself as I vividly remember how I idolised my ex, how my whole life revolved around him , there on my knees I begged God to let me know more about this Season’s stuff.

I had to be pierced

Months ago I went to get myself pierced, I have always had this desire to get a second ear hole , how I just love the idea of having two small earrings adorn each of   my cute ears , but I have been held back by a lot of reasons .Firstly by my parents , my dad made it very known to us(girls)in his home  when we were growing up about his aversion for jewellery of whosoever kind . My loving daddy is an adherent believer of natural beauty, he often questioned us (my sisters and I} about our unwavering love for things of this world, in his words ‘tolulope, can’t you just do without all these nonsense you put on your body, don’t you know you are more beautiful without all these eye pencils, big earrings , lip-gloss that looks like palm oil on your lips’.

Even though I have always had this innate desire to wear two earrings on each ear , I dare not try it under my father’s roof , I watch with envy other girls whose parents were lenient in this aspect . Years has various ways of softening people and obviously my daddy is not left out of this theory , he has tremendously become flexible when it comes to understanding his female children and their fashion needs , so in my home now , it’s no longer a crime to wear trousers , to have 16 inches hair  on , to pierce the second ear hole , to enjoy the flawless beauty MAC, SLEEK and MARK KAY offers.

So months ago , having thought about it over and over  , I went straight to the saloon to get a new and second ear holes . When I got there , there was a lot of excitement in me , a picture of how I will look was stuck in my mind , I could literally see it with my naked eyes. Amidst all these excitement I clearly forgot something , something that is unavoidably compulsory before I could be a proud owner of new  ear holes , I forgot the pain that comes with it , the lady that was to help me prepared me saying ‘ aunty , it’s so painful , will you be able to bear it , I just got myself pierced too and it has really been painful’.

When she said this, a fear arose within me, I momentarily thought of abandoning the whole idea of piercing, but what stopped the thought was the pleasure of belonging to the clique of ‘two ear hole holders’, what made me to be prepared , was the joy I will have after the pain , the sheer joy of having those two ear rings on each of my cute ears kept me in that chair .

So even though I was really scared of the pain to come, I knew it will be worth it , lo and behold, she started the piercing and all I could remember was my yelling. The pain of the earring pulling through my skin brought tears to my eyes , I started screaming for her to stop , she told me  to sit still for it will soon be over , the more she said this the more pain grew worse . Through this pain , I suddenly realized another dimension of Jesus’ love for me , I clearly saw Him on that tree as He put His life down  for the glory that will be revealed in the generations to come. Don’t you ever think that it was a pleasurable thing for Jesus to be pierced in all parts of His body as He laid down His Life for humanity? What I experienced in the saloon as I pierce my ears is nothing compared to the pain Jesus bore for us on the cross.

God’s love is unexplainable and incomprehensible, His love for me is so deep that to an intellectual, it looks foolish. He gave His only begotten Son for  us , not only was Jesus homeless when He was on earth , He was killed for the sins of the world.

Jesus went all through the pain , humbly submitted Himself to derision , to spite and of course to all the piercings in His hands , feet and to His head , can you imagine that pain , accompanied with these was the grievous burden of the world’s sin . Will it not be wise of us to live worthy of His calling and do away with those sins that won’t let us go.

Faith rocks

For weeks now or maybe months , I have been going through what writers call ‘ Writer’s block’ , an imaginary barricade that stands between a writer and his ‘Muse’ . For me as a writer , this period of not being able to write takes hours , sometimes days but this time it took months and whatever block is standing in my way pose a serious threat to my ability as a writer.

 Have you ever heard of  ‘Utopia’ , this is a world of perfection , a world where things are fair and just , a world  where good things happen to good people , where wickedness does not exist , a world where  brave knights  go to any length to rescue their damsels , Utopia is this  world I escape to as a writer . This world for me is where I don’t get scared , where shadows don’t hang in the closet waiting to pounce when the lights go off , so to be locked out of this world , is to be denied of the perfection I desperately seek  , is to be left naked in the rain , is to be denied of everything that makes sense to me.

  Following the long delay by this ‘block’ , I packed my stuff and headed west , hoping to find peace , hoping to connect somehow to my muse , so home I went . Getting there sure did  not shift me back to my Utopia , it only brought my fear to fore , fear of being permanently locked out of this world , fear of being alone in this world of reality . The pain that this fear brings cripples almost everything around me , this pain blurs even the brightest day .

Early on Wednesday morning , as I sat on the wood near the flowers in my house , my attention drifted to a flower , I nicknamed ‘ Morning Flower’ , it has started to wilt , it’s usual vibrance is sadly absent , suddenly I thought in my heart that it does not matter whether ‘Morning flower ‘ blooms or wilt , it will always be ‘Morning flower’ to everyone that sees it. The wilting process is painful  , but it is compulsory for its growth , in this same light I suddenly saw myself , I may not be able to write now ,or for months , that does not make me  a non –writer because writing is who I am , it is what gives me joy , it is  how I  reach my world .

With this insight , I was frankly made to realise that it wasn’t my writing ability that was threatened , neither is it my world of perfection , what came under siege  was my faith. My faith took the first blow from insecurity and fear , it only took time for the rest of me to follow , of  things to lose in the world  , faith should be wisely excluded at all times.

 As a young Christian , I feel rather inadequate to talk or write about faith , but what I see as  faith is believing that no matter what happens to me , I will always be able to pick a pencil and write, maybe  I will even scribble some notes down when I meet my Creator at the Gate , faith to me is knowing that God is always with me even when I don’t feel His presence . Faith to me is knowing that no matter how deep I have gone in the issues of life , I will always be able to come out because I have a God that specialises in helping confused people , faith to me is believing that I will always be that warm , tender hearted , passionate woman I see in my dreams every night, to me that is faith.

My God must laugh this day

While watching a film this week , I heard  a new saying that goes thus  ‘‘ if you  want to make God laugh , tell Him all your plans’ , to a great  extent , I agree with this but I guess I have not been doing that lately , I have been so involved in the trinity of SELF; me, I and mine .

 I am a young Christian , and I love God but there is still  a part of me that finds it  so hard to relinquish all my cares at His feet,  a part of me that is fiercely independent , a small part that sees trust & faith  as mountains  too high to climb . As I watch this film , I realise it must have been a long time that I made God laugh , you know that deep throated laugh that comes  straight from one’s belly , I can’t help but be sad about my selfishness .

 I claim to love God , I go about each day telling everyone that care to listen about my faith in Him , I tell friends , family about how  close I have gotten with my Creator , people around me envy my relationship with Him , they kept on saying ‘ tolulope, you are so spiritual ‘ ,’ I like you because you are a serious Christian’ ,’ ‘ you have the fire in you , keep it on ‘.

 These talks are good and humbling  but the real issue still stands ; I have not been making God laugh , I have not been telling Him about all my plans , I have been trying to be too strong for Him , I have been acting like His elder sister , shielding Him away from my  many issues,  I have not been allowing Him to heal my wounds , I have not been letting Him see that I really need Him.

God is my father, and He sure loves me and wants me to rely solely on Him , though He’s All seeing and All knowing , He still operates by this idiom   ‘ Hearing from the horse’s mouth’. He wants me to tell Him about those moments when I get scared about life , those times when I get confused and stuck in desperate situations  , He wants me to openly confess those hidden sins and allow Him to deal with it.

How glorious will it be to hear God’s laugh, it’s going to be the earth moving , mountain shaking one , to hear this laugh , I guess I have to abandon those crazy independent streaks in me  and stop acting like ‘I –TOO-KNOW’ and let him love me just as He wanted.



Spirit Lessons

As humans, there are things we will never understand in this present world except we are connected to the life source which is God , as mere mortals there are particular issues that will continue to be mysteries except we look for wisdom from the wisdom Himself(Jesus).

As a young lady , many times I question my existence because I can’t help the feeling of wanting to know why , how and what I am created for , have you ever wondered about this or am I alone in this search for meaning for my life . At every stage of my life , I come to find out that I have to deal with one issue , each bigger than the former , and in each of this issue , I have found myself stressed out because these answers to these issues just elude me all the time.

I Need the Good Guy, I Don’t Know about You.

By Tolulope on Friday, July 9, 2010 at 7:15am

 

Since I discovered the miracle of internet surfing , I have never for once taken it for granted , I eagerly embrace all it has to offer , morning after morning , I voraciously lap on information from various sites , ranging from political to academic to inspirational. This appetite of mine has for months now been feeding heavily on inspirational sites , I have gone to hundreds of these sites ,looking for ways to be better , and I must confess it has really being of tremendous help to me .

 

One of the site is ‘girlsgonewise.com’ , this site has lots of resources for girls who are willing to become wise and abandon the wild ways , maybe it’s the name that attracted me or the layout , whichever did , am eternally grateful to . In one of the articles posted there was ‘Why do good girls love bad guys? This is a big question I myself have running from for a long time , because it so much scares me and reveal to me an amount of evil that reside in me and puts to shame my ‘goodness’. This is a question , I myself I have not been able to answer and since I have once been a victim of this malfunction , am so eager to discuss it with other girls .

Be damned , Oh my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 by Tolu on Monday, November 8, 2010 at 10:05am

Whoever came up with this proverb  saying ‘Follow your heart ‘ should be accused of mass misleading , the person if dead , should be exhumed and resurrected to face his charges and be given 1000  lashes or maybe sentenced to death the second time by lethal injection.

For over 2 decades I have been a strict adherent of this saying , I don’t know how it  got to be , I guess it must through all the M & B , Harlequins of this world , all I knew was  by the time I was 8 years old , this saying had firmly became a principle I lived my life by. This saying made me BFF(best friend forever) with my heart , I trusted my heart wholeheartedly , I couldn’t do anything without first consulting with it , my heart directed me to wherever it wishes , it had total control of my life .

My Church Business

Church to me means different things so whenever I listen to people and why they go to church , I usually feel lost . I hear things like ‘ I have been a Christian all my life , my dad is the founding pastor of our church , I met my husband in the church , I saw my first period in the church  ‘ and so on , to me it’s just different.

For a long time in life, in fact throughout my adolescence , my opinion about church was greatly twisted and warped , to me then church just represents a place , my parents force me to  go every Sunday , I hated to be forced but my folks gave no room for opinions ,so church I go to every Sunday. I remembered how I was coerced to join the quiz society , memorise hundreds of scriptures just for the sake of outbidding others at the next quiz event  . My cousin and I will sit at the back pew and bring out the M&B paperbacks we’ve brought from home and put it underneath the Bible , and read away as the pastor preaches for hours.

During that time , Bible was just like my General Mathematics textbook, that I avoid like a plague , most times I even forget my Bible in the church , some times that it followed me home , it normally takes residence on the dining table where oil, water and food particles lay a feast on its cover. Then ,I knew how to offhandedly rant Psalms and Proverbs , my Sunday school mates were always envious of my brilliance in the Word , I knew how many chapters were in the Old Testament , Ezekiel’s prophesy was a song on my lips whenever I stand up at  church events.