Stopping the circle


Weeks ago I went for an official meeting in one of the well known hotels in Lagos, as I prepared to take an eye tour of the lodge and people as well, I made an unexpected eye contact with a familiar face. The face happened to belong to one of my male senior friends; I was so excited to see one face I knew in the mammoth of faces that surrounded me.  He was equally happy to meet me as he quickly abandoned the idea of sleeping in his suite upstairs; as we began to catch up on old gist, he suddenly looked into my eyes and asked me, “Tolulope, what is happening to Rahab Memoirs, I have not been seeing your posts, are you alright.”

When I heard him say this, shame and pain made a mixture in my gut, tears smarted on my eyelids, making me remember what made me remember my dreams. Struggling to wade my way through, I stammered up many excuses , why I have not been true to my dreams, why I have allowed myself to be drawn in the pit of emptiness, why I have not found time to ask God the next step in my career, why I have allowed money to be my idol.

In my heart I was expecting my friend to be sympathetic to my woes, unfortunately for me, he bluntly told me, “Tolu, if you have passion for something, you don’t let go, even in the face of pains and trials. Tolu, please stay true to your dreams and passion that is what will make you stand out.”

Over the last months, I have bowed down severally to idols and not to God, I have allowed strange companions including ingratitude, pride, laziness to be my bed fellows. I complain all day long about unfair life and people are to me , I have gotten in contact  with my ridiculous sensitive nature, taking offense to everything people say.

As I write this, I know that I don’t want to walk this road again, I don’t want to be that woman that is pitied every day, I don’t want to be the woman that cries at any sight of trouble, I don’t want to be that money-hungry individual that am fast becoming, I don’t want to be that lady that expects too much from people.

 In three weeks time, I will be walking down the aisle  with the love of my life , OLUWASEYIFUNMI, and God knows I want to be a better person , I want to seek Him in every way, I want to be a woman after God’s own heart. I want to stay true to my dream which is writing and totally for now forget about money or material things.

Friends, this day I invite you again on the renewal of my vows to writing and blogging, I ask for divine grace from God as I continue to write truly from the heart and even extend it to fiction because that is my dream.

What I want in a man? part 2


Christmas this year was one ‘quick show’ for me, as I only got a day off from work to travel home to Ilesa, so I had to spend the other day (boxing day) at work which was very sad for me, people that heard that I was at work only confirmed their fears of me being a workaholic, lol.

One good thing that  came out from this ‘always at work’ issue is that I have finally learnt how to be stay  still in a place and think , hours of being glued in front of the  system has produced periods of meditation which I have not being able to achieve in the past years. With the meditation sessions comes along my new hobby: MUSIC, while streaming through songs last  Christmas , since I was stuck in the office , I heard a song from Toni Braxton.

Toni Braxton’s ‘Woman’ made sense to me as I gently swing my hips to the beats , ‘I am a woman who knows what she wants,,,,,’ and the question that keeps appearing in my mind is ‘ what exactly do I need in a man’ . This question scares me more than the rodents that invaded my room when I was in the University , because I really can’t answer , I know am supposed to know ,but I don’t because I can only have a list if I know myself. Since I wrote the first part of this piece , I have been going about with a small brown jotter in my bag , scribbling my thoughts every minute trying so hard to compile something for this piece am writing.

Now am writing , and without the small brown jotter because the list in it  doesn’t make sense to me , if I were to go by a list , then I would have had an answer to Buky when she asked me . If I were to have a list then it is not going to start at all with  a Man , it’s not going to  make it’s headlines’ MAN LIST’, because it is not about him this time , it is about having that long chat with God , so that I can really know who I am. My list is not starting with MAN-CAPABILITIES, it  is starting with me.

When Buky mentioned ‘list’  weeks ago , I was a little bit insincere because I had a list then , I had a list I have been judging men with  all these years , it’s a twisted one , but I have it anyway , it goes thus : God fearing , intelligent, handsome , smart, high sense of humour , easy to be with , and obviously taller than me , romantic, passionate , e.t.c , that was the list in my mind, I guessed I didn’t tell  Buky about it  because I knew right in my heart , that was not the list God wanted, though it looks kind of cool. My old list is self- centred , petty , it’s a list that asks too much from  a human . It should not be like that .

I am a woman , and I ovulate every month ,that is not a mistake , it is for a purpose , I am specifically created by God to bring comfort to everyone around me , bring love to people that seemingly  look as if they don’t need it , add wisdom to my beauty at all times , be the best wife any man can ask for , train up kids that will in future destroy the kingdom of hell , that is the list I should have, not going about having 101 things my man should have  .

If I fail to be all these , then I am certainly not in a position to have a list about a man at all , because if he were to be the best man that ever walked on  this earth , I will never be fit for him.In all this I pray to God to make  me a woman that will be a woman in deed because eventually the Bible saying ‘Deep calls  unto deep in the roar of your waterfall’ will come true between me and my man.

What I want in a man? part 1


As I put down my fingers on my laptop to begin to write this midnight  , all that I could hear is the voice of someone very familiar to me , the voice that  I have heard for twenty five years of my life , the voice of my mother chiding me to have always a to-do list , ‘’tolulope, always have a plan , and for heavens’ sake , be tidy ‘’ , she will  go ahead and rebuke me in her exasperated voice ‘’ how are you coping in this room , can’t  you just tidy it up and have a plan on how to keep it clean ‘’.

‘’Plan’’ , did I hear just remember that, this is a word that am not genetically oriented to like and then as a teenager I was always lost because to me ‘list’ sounds like a Latin word , my Dad love to use to intimidate his friends who are not smart enough to remember it from their Latin classes.  I can’t count the number of times I was forced to have this ‘list’  conversation with my mum, heaven knows that then I love to tidy up my room , but I just  can’t keep it clean because am always in a hurry to pick things up and never return to where I met it , so my room was always untidy.

As I grew up and started to mature into a young lady , people that I met attributed my lack of organisation to my temperament , they introduced me to Tim Lahaye and his bestselling book ‘Why You Act the Way You Do’, when I read this book, a feeling of exhilaration ran through my spine , as I couldn’t wait to tell my folks of why I can’t keep my room tidy and why I can’t just have a list. Trust my dad to always have a wise answer to every of my ‘’weird discovery’’ , he told me in Yoruba ‘’ tii idi baje , tii onidi ni o ma da’’ , meaning ‘’ if one’s life turns out to be bad , it’s the business of the owner , not anyone’’.

When I started working in corporate organisations , I discovered something called ‘STICK-ONS’, it’s a piece of paper that one can write on and stick it to the table  to remind us of what we need to do , and again, I failed with this new technology , not only do this stick-ons come in hard copy , they are there on my system waiting for me to write my list on it , so that I may have a better output. I tried to for days to write down my plans , aspirations , people to call, people to send texts to , books to read , time to wake up at night to pray , devoted time to study the Word e.t.c.

The truth is that I really tried in following this plan , I prayed to God to  give me the discipline to structure my life  after this list of mine , but I kept on  failing , however overtime I just gave up on the ‘List’ issue and began to live my life on impulse which is the wrongest thing anyone can do. Last afternoon , I was chatting with my senior friend ,Buky, and she mentioned ‘’ tolulope , you should have a list of what you want in a man, how you want him to look, his desires if they match yours, if I wanted to be a stay home mum , if I want to have plenty kids and so on’’.

Immediately Buky mentioned ‘list’ , I knew I was in trouble , because she was correct in telling me to have a list of what I want in man, and really I have never sat to compile a list about this most critical aspect of my life . She mentioned ‘List’ and I discovered how scattered and disillusioned have being on this ‘Love life’ of mine. I am 25 , and it is highly pathetic that  I don’t have a list , not even a make shift one , as she casually advised , I knew that I was obviously not ready for the aisle because in the list she tried putting up for me , I was lost.

After the chat , while working in the newsroom ,surrounded by quiet humming’s of the split air conditioners and the frequent promptings of the Chief Editor , I asked myself  this question ‘’WHAT DO I WANT IN A MAN?