I know it has been long


I know it has been long since I put my pen down on the paper

I know it has been quite a while since I saw Your face in my dreams

But Your thoughts never depart for once in my heart

I have not for once forgotten Your thoughtful whispers in the night

Your frequent  callings wake me up in the night

My hearts beat ,wanting to know

Where You call from

It has been long since I listened to You

That alone breaks Your heart

I hang around Your window

Cos of fear, I can not enter

Then I heard ,Oh I smelt Your breath

Against my nostrils, urging to come home

It has been long, I silently tell You

Home is where you belong

You said

I dare to call Him Daddy


This morning , I am literarily bursting forth with joy  and tears of relief pouring down my face as I write because my heart can’t just understand how God will love me so much, why He keeps tripping for me. If noticed by my friends, these past months have been one depressing one , struggles of every kind showed up at my door threatening to strip me naked in the streets. These past months , I have questioned my faith , my essence , doubts have really tried to wear me out, most nights I sleep thinking that ‘’ maybe I have turned into an atheist’’ as I could not pray effectively again.

I stopped looking at the mirror because of the ugliness that irritatingly seep out through my sleek made up face , I have more wrinkles on my face because of the fake smiles that everyday make a debut on it. I fell in faith , I struggled with sin but in all of this God wouldn’t just let go. Like Donnie McClurkin’s song ‘’I fall down , I get up’’, friends I have fallen in my faith and miraculously gotten up and I have come to discover more things about the God I serve.

My God is not just Someone that will save me and leave me to discover the mysteries, He patiently waits for me to call Him Daddy, He loves to hear my feminine voice call Him in the dark when I think I am alone  . God is my daddy and talking about needy individuals, I top the list , am incredibly needy , wanting attention all the time , I have discovered that no matter how capable a human may be , they can’t just keep up with my neediness only my Daddy can do that.

Through the scriptures every day , I get to know that not calling or relating to God as Daddy only makes life difficult and inadvertently robs me of His joy. He is always ready to take me in His big , strong arms , He wants me to tell Him everything , everything like painful monthlies, temptations no matter how absurd they sound past pains that won’t just stop haunting us like masquerades in our dreams. My daddy loves me , am His little ,special girl anyday, I don’t get it right most times , but He keeps using my mistakes for His glory , just for His.

Recently my Daddy revealed to me that to every child of His, there is a provision for lots of siblings , my God is not a daddy to only a child , He has lots of them , with this , He made me discover that my treasures do not lie in the mint in the bank account nor my stocks in blue chip companies nor in fame but in Him and the right people. These past months of depression , I have known that I might never be rich , never be popular but God has indeed blessed me with the most wonderful siblings both biologically and spiritually. Here now , am writing about my spiritual siblings that God has gracefully surrounded me  with , they keep loving me even in my mess.

I present to my friends my new siblings ; Buky Ojelabi. Meeting you, sister is one major highlight of 2010, you are woman totally sold out to God, you  chastise me well when need be, you pamper when you  see that situations of life have bruised my ego, am grateful for having you in my life , I won’t ever take for granted our friendship.

I remember one afternoon when Buky introduced Tolulope Ilesanmi to me , Bros mi , as I like to call you , you are no longer a writer friend , you are my big brother , I don’t need to put up appearances when talking with you , you are a good man, I won’t take our relationship for granted ever in my life.

After Tolulope came this wonderful woman , Lara Daniels who became interested in my blog , she has been wonderful , though her comments few make a strong presence in the blog, she calls me ‘’my sister from another mother’’, I am grateful for this association , we are finishing strong together.

To one sister that motivated me in this blogging business is Jaycee , I respect this woman , she unknowingly blessed my life when she gave me this mindblowing scripture ;Ezekiel 16:6-12. Thank you Jennifer for being a sister and prayer partner.

One single sister I won’t ever forget is Bomi of Jolly notes , though we don’t really communicate , she leaves me mails and prayers , I appreciate egbon mi. You won’t be disappointed.

As I write this , I come to realize that I have lots of siblings that has  blessed and still blessing me , you all  might not be mentioned but you are remembered and appreciated . I could not have made it this far without God and you , you make me say No to that tempting sin that won’t leave my doorstep, you make me more humble that a girl from the backside of Ilesa will make sense in the city . We are finishing strong , heaven will not be interesting even I don’t see you all there , I won’t stop praying for you , please don’t stop praying for me , I need tons of it.

I quit the slums (part 1)


Before I start writing this , I will want to beg for indulgence from my sister, my senior friend and my mentor , Buky Ojelabi as I am going to use her last post ‘Leaving behind comfort zones’ as a reference point.

Few days ago before Sister Buky posted her new note , she sent a copy to me to edit and to professionally advise on , though I wasn’t able to finally edit as I was no where I could use the Ms office , I read it and immediately I saw ‘’comfort zones’’ , I mentally laughed ,knowing that this is me in a different way.

For me , leaving my past is as stressful  and painful like a cow wrestling with labour pains , leaving my past which unfortunately is my comfort zone is what I live for everyday , as I can’t wait to disassociate myself  from those mistakes that boldly stare me in the face anytime I want to, in my desperate bid to get away , I have often prayed for ‘Amnesia’ so at least I can forget. But like the saying ‘’if wishes are horses , beggars will ride’’, I can only wish that the past will vanish and I will forget , I can’t , the sting can only be taken away.

My comfort zones were all along refuse sites ,that I have been  terribly used to , they are relationships that are toxic that I have become addicted to , they are mindsets that have built talons and claws inside my psyche and become strongholds, comfort zones are the valleys of my dry bones.

When Buky sent that note and I saw her reference to London as her comfort zone where she had fond memories , mine is not like that , I have always found it rather easy to say goodbye to the good stuff  that come my way, it is the garbage I keep struggling with like a wet fish on a dry land.

As a media person , I get to see lots of things that confuse and surprise me , one of the news in my office is the report of people that live in a particular slum in Lagos(Nigeria), the slum is partially one big refuse site , where people live in , shacks have been  built over the years on this settlement. People live, cook and have kids  in this slum, known as home to them, when they were asked if they will like to relocate to a safer and cleaner  environment , they out rightly refused claiming that the slum has become a home to them as they can’t imagine life without the filth.

As I write this piece, there is a similarity between me and these slum settlers, but unlike them, I can’t wait to bolt out from this life sucking circumstances. As a single lady of considerable age and with a figure so petite , I often wondered why I am yet to have a man in my life , several times  I have put myself on a hot seat just to know what exactly is the issue , people that are concerned about my single status have often planned blind dates for me , but they don’t just work because am not allowing it to. Most times I keep seeing myself as the person that is not good enough to have an individual to devote all the love on , I have been used to comfort zones of relationships where  I have  to work like a jackal in  order to make the relationship see the light of the day . I get scared and sweaty whenever I have a young man fawning over me , seeking my attention , a great part of me screams at me to run as it can’t be real , while in the toxic relationships , I am the chief planner , chief talker , chief giver ,like mother bee trying to always win love.

Anytime I talk to my father about it ,and I cry endlessly about how unfair things are to me , the only answer I receive from the Holy Spirit is ‘ ‘Why can’t you accept love , if you are still finding hard to receive love  from humans you can see, how will receive the ultimate love from God you can’t see’’. As I heard this ,this morning , tears splatter down my face because I don’t know why am stuck on this refuse site ,looking for more dirt to eat while the only One that can save me stands near me beckoning me to come out.

My age status


There is something about ‘age’ that makes it a phenomenon of all times , it is a mystery that got people of all races ticking and uncomfortable , because it daily points them to the grave. This age happens to everyone and it’s certainly happening to me now, here and then I hear my bones creak refusing to do things , it never complained of years ago ,age is dropping so many changes on my doorsteps. Whenever it happens –I mean age- we are often faced with two choices ;either we accept the changes and wisely adjust to it or we become grizzly bears and complain endlessly about how unfair time has been to us.

As a female of a petite stature, I have often considered myself a ‘late bloomer’, a term used for people that find it rather difficult to start things in life , people that spend years dancing around the pot rather sitting down and eat from the pot.

Whenever I gist with friends and they ask me about my plans for the future , I am always quick to lecture them about this peculiar system , and I will go on and on about my late entry into adolescence, how I waited like Princess Fiona on the castle towers for my puberty , how I patiently waited for my first toaster as it did not come in High school as expected ,so I can have something to talk about when my teenage friends blab about theirs .I will sadly go down memory lane of how for five consecutive Valentine years , I was a spectator on the street called love and how I eagerly waited for the feet popping kiss.

Before you crucify me about the feet popping kiss, I have no apology that am a die hard romantic , I still believe in erratic heart beats , tingling toes , sinking tummies and of course earth stopping , mountain moving kisses between me and my man , that is a subject for another day.


This year I will be a year older , and am suddenly aware that am no longer that starry eyed teenager, I am now a responsible taxpaying young lady , and I must in every way rise up to the task dropped to my doorstep. My age this year is making me discover lots of things like suddenly realizing that ‘Love at first sight’ is a just a piece of shit I ingested from those dumb paperback romances I spent my teenage years reading . Surprising this year , the knowledge that no matter how much I bend for people , they can’t all like me is being corroborated . This 26th year of my existence , I am seriously assured that prayer works and for it be a habit , it must be done all the time even when I don’t feel like it and that in this world , there are lots of bad people and I can be one if I don’t hold on to the Only One (Jesus Christ) that can only fill my heart with so much love for Him and my fellow humans. This year , am discovering that age is slowly catching up on me and I must in every way become a God chaser , regardless of my ‘late bloomer’ status.

What I want in a man? part 2


Christmas this year was one ‘quick show’ for me, as I only got a day off from work to travel home to Ilesa, so I had to spend the other day (boxing day) at work which was very sad for me, people that heard that I was at work only confirmed their fears of me being a workaholic, lol.

One good thing that  came out from this ‘always at work’ issue is that I have finally learnt how to be stay  still in a place and think , hours of being glued in front of the  system has produced periods of meditation which I have not being able to achieve in the past years. With the meditation sessions comes along my new hobby: MUSIC, while streaming through songs last  Christmas , since I was stuck in the office , I heard a song from Toni Braxton.

Toni Braxton’s ‘Woman’ made sense to me as I gently swing my hips to the beats , ‘I am a woman who knows what she wants,,,,,’ and the question that keeps appearing in my mind is ‘ what exactly do I need in a man’ . This question scares me more than the rodents that invaded my room when I was in the University , because I really can’t answer , I know am supposed to know ,but I don’t because I can only have a list if I know myself. Since I wrote the first part of this piece , I have been going about with a small brown jotter in my bag , scribbling my thoughts every minute trying so hard to compile something for this piece am writing.

Now am writing , and without the small brown jotter because the list in it  doesn’t make sense to me , if I were to go by a list , then I would have had an answer to Buky when she asked me . If I were to have a list then it is not going to start at all with  a Man , it’s not going to  make it’s headlines’ MAN LIST’, because it is not about him this time , it is about having that long chat with God , so that I can really know who I am. My list is not starting with MAN-CAPABILITIES, it  is starting with me.

When Buky mentioned ‘list’  weeks ago , I was a little bit insincere because I had a list then , I had a list I have been judging men with  all these years , it’s a twisted one , but I have it anyway , it goes thus : God fearing , intelligent, handsome , smart, high sense of humour , easy to be with , and obviously taller than me , romantic, passionate , e.t.c , that was the list in my mind, I guessed I didn’t tell  Buky about it  because I knew right in my heart , that was not the list God wanted, though it looks kind of cool. My old list is self- centred , petty , it’s a list that asks too much from  a human . It should not be like that .

I am a woman , and I ovulate every month ,that is not a mistake , it is for a purpose , I am specifically created by God to bring comfort to everyone around me , bring love to people that seemingly  look as if they don’t need it , add wisdom to my beauty at all times , be the best wife any man can ask for , train up kids that will in future destroy the kingdom of hell , that is the list I should have, not going about having 101 things my man should have  .

If I fail to be all these , then I am certainly not in a position to have a list about a man at all , because if he were to be the best man that ever walked on  this earth , I will never be fit for him.In all this I pray to God to make  me a woman that will be a woman in deed because eventually the Bible saying ‘Deep calls  unto deep in the roar of your waterfall’ will come true between me and my man.

Saying No to issues


Few years ago , thoughts of sleeping alone in a room could make  me convulse , the mere sight of darkness made me wet my pants several times , then I guess I was just possessed with the spirit called fear , and trust my daddy, he made sure He took a drastic step to stop this my unreasonable habit.

Over dinner in my house , my dad will  intentionally talk about  the metaphysical world, he will gist my mother about the ghosts of family friends that appeared to him or to someone else , he will go ahead and lecture us about the power we have as living beings and how to say No to fear , but that didn’t help me , it only compounded my problems. He said we should learn to read people and have minds of our own , he taught us to be independent and confident in whatever situation we found ourselves, he drummed in our ears ‘’ don’t be yes men , learn to say No when  you need to say it , and vice versa’’.

Sadly my daddy’s expectation were not birthed on me as I am a middle child and I have a terrible disease , which for years has been  sucking me dry; I have an APPROVAL ADDICTION SYDROME.I don’t need a doctor to explain the pathological history of my illness to me , I know the symptoms , am aware of its destructive effects , the first step to the healing is to admit of its existence,

So to everybody that knows me and really thinks am cool, nice, maybe too nice sometimes, am sorry to announce to you that I have a sickness that makes me try so hard to make people like me , I just care too much about what people think about me . I am a needy individual, the thoughts of being in the bad books of relatives and  friends grieve me  and  it has made me addicted to this habit of always saying ‘YES’ to everyone

As a middle child , I feel it’s my responsibility to work hard for love , as a child , I struggled a lot for recognition from people , but no matter how much I tried , I am just the ‘ insignificant ugly duckling of the family’ then  all I used to hear from insensitive people were  ‘’ how come you are part of the Odeyemi’s , you are not even as brilliant as them , others are so pretty  and you are such a tomboy’’. As I grew with these words , something in me kept  telling me that I need to prove a point to people , a niggling thought kept on whispering to  me to work hard for people’s love , the more I try , the more frustrated and disillusioned I become . So for over a decade of my life, I have been a hard worker in the department of love   , I feel always unworthy to accept love that is given without strings, something in me screams that I should be nice to everyone so they can love me, my philosophy for over 23 years is to ‘’ always bring something to the table ‘’

This sickness had spilled into everything I have , at work , I can’t stop smiling to people , because I need to create an impression that I am that ‘ cute , smiley girl ‘which I know am not , am not bad either . In church ,  I am not really into the smiling thing ,but  come to see me on a Sunday morning ,  you are sure to see a peacock all fluttered with array of colours , I dress to always make a statement that  ‘’I am tush now , so  I  am qualified to be  your friend’’.

At home , I am that perfect homebody that respects everybody even the pets , I stuff my emotions in , so that folks will not know  the real me , I have heard comments like ‘’ tolulope doesn’t get angry , she is so calm ‘’ and I used to wonder about the truth of this statement  , because it’s just a blatant lie , I get angry , seriously hurt , I just don’t know how to show it . Because of my supposedly calm nature , I became a foot mat to people, because they usually feel they can get away with anything from me.

In my relationship, which is the funniest thing , I don’t like guys who are falling head over heels in love with me , because they look kind of cheap , I mean too accessible to me , I love to go to places where I have to work hard for love , so severally , I have found myself in bad situations where I need to literally chase a guy, my sickness has prevented from accepting love from people that love me for who I am.

With God, it’s more complex , because most times , I just it  find so hard to believe  that God will love me , the Scriptures sometimes look too simple and easy , I read about Jesus ‘s sacrifice , my favourite in the scriptures is Isaiah , which  eulogises God’s love and redemption for mankind , in all of this , I still struggle to believe , doubts plague my mind about how God is too holy to associate with someone like  me.

But there is no one like my God , He is patient with me , He knows my frame , He understands my weaknesses , whenever I break down and cry to Him to help me , He always remembers that He has dealt with ladies like me before , He closes His eyes , and He sees  RAHAB, BATHSEBA ,MARY MAGADLENE and He smiles because I am just one of His special girls . As He holds me in His hands , He keeps telling me that He’s not through with me , that I were to be  the only person that needed salvation , He will still  had come . This season I am not thinking about the weave on I need to fix, or the shows I need to go to  , or  the young man that I really need him to call me , am thinking and am praying frantically to God to teach me to accept His love and make me  say No to all the issues in my life.

I need to hold my head high in His presence and be the woman He wants me to be.

Walking the ok road


Months ago in my home, my 2 and half years old niece added few sentences to her grammatical kitty. How a child grows from that tiny little babe to a toddler that babbles and experiments with various words is still a mystery to me , sometimes I can’t just understand these growth processes in them ,because it occurs so fast , that if one is not so  careful , one will lose out on those awesome moments of their childhood.

Back to my niece’s new sentences , months  ago as I was doing the dishes at night , she quietly sneaked up behind me and held my legs and she said ‘ ‘aunty tolu , what’s you doing?’ ‘ in her clearly foreign accent . I turned to her and laughed with joy , because that was the first time she will ask a question in a direct English way ,  she asked again ” aunty tolu , what’s you doing?’ ‘, this time with a little agitation and curiosity. I replied ”am washing plates ”  and she further asked ”why”, and I replied ”because they are dirty’ ‘and she went further and asked ”why are they dirty?”.

After the launching of these new sentences by my niece, she has never stopped in bombarding me and others in the house with these words. Ranging from calls to taking of bath to watching of programmes, she kept asking ‘what’s you doing?’ One day, as I was dressing up straight from the bathroom, she followed me and asked in her tiny voice ‘aunty tolu, what’s you doing? It suddenly hit me of my relationship with God, this revelation left me laughing and highly vulnerable.

Over the years I have had many situations in which I have questioned God , grievous situations I have deeply called on Him and asked him childishly ‘ what He’s  doing?’ , ‘why  is He taking so long to answer me? ‘, ‘where is He when I fell into a particular sin?’, and how is that I am the only one going through a specific life sapping  situation, when will He come and destroy my enemies? .

Like my niece , I don’t usually wait for His answers , am always  so wrapped up in the pains and the questions  that I don’t know when He answers but one thing I have come to realise is this; He always answers every of my prayers but His answers might not be what am expecting , so like a fool , I go ahead and ask Him the same questions ,He has already answered.

Just last week, my sister told me that Seyitan (my niece) has gone from ‘the why stage’ to the ‘okay stage’, I asked how, my sister said Seyitan no longer asks for reasons why things are the way they are , not that she is not inquisitive again but once she asks the first time and she is given an answer , she replies with’ okay’ and let go of the subject matter , trusting completely the informant of the answer.

Deciding to be like Seyitan (my niece), I have thought in my heart   to employ the ‘okay method’ in my relationship with God,  I still love asking questions and God knows there are a lot of them to ask, but the difference will be this; I will ask each question once and waits patiently for His answer, as soon as He does, I will go ahead and say ‘Okay Lord’ and trust Him completely .

After all He’s the Elshaddi , the Creator of the all world ,and more than ever I am so confident in His Love for me , so am seriously waiting for His  next answer so I can boldly tell Him ‘OKAY LORD’.

Spirit Lessons


As humans, there are things we will never understand in this present world except we are connected to the life source which is God , as mere mortals there are particular issues that will continue to be mysteries except we look for wisdom from the wisdom Himself(Jesus).

As a young lady , many times I question my existence because I can’t help the feeling of wanting to know why , how and what I am created for , have you ever wondered about this or am I alone in this search for meaning for my life . At every stage of my life , I come to find out that I have to deal with one issue , each bigger than the former , and in each of this issue , I have found myself stressed out because these answers to these issues just elude me all the time.

More