What Next?

It is been 3 months that I gave birth to my beautiful baby and during this time, I have been asking myself this one question, “What Next”. Thank God I went through pregnancy and childbirth miraculously,but what happens next,why do I have this restless yearning to accomplish more in life. I am writing this post out of my questioning state of mind, out of my desire to do more and move closer to my creator. There was a time in my life that I thought love, marriage, children were the ultimate answers to my restlessness, how wrong have I been. I am eternally grateful to God for all that He has blessed me with, but like what Sis Buky told me yesterday, “There is more to be done, more souls to be won, more time to be spent at the feet of Jesus,more discovery of self and world”. So help me God

My journey to Motherhood

The last time I wrote anything on this blog was in March, and if I remember accurately, it was on Waiting. Can I hear you say March, yes, that sounds like a lifetime away. That post was written from my desperate search for answers to why as a young bride, I had to face serious challenges headlong. That March was when medical diagnosis of all sorts piled at my doorstep, when tears were what I used every morning to greet God. March was a month when I decided to lay down my frantic attempts , when I stopped calling on pastors for answers, when I stopped questioning God as to why my expectations were suddenly cut short. That March was when God planted in me a seed of joy, a seed I didn’t know could ever be planted, a seed that myself and hubby had no idea it was coming. After series of tests and one pregnancy kit that said Negative, God revealed Himself by blessing us with our bundle of joy. That day, I discovered that am going to be a mum was the happiest day of my life, I remembered that I kept asking the doctor how possible it was after the bleaky diagnosis, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “Miracles happen, yours just did”.
Hubby was so escastic that he told me not to do any house chores again, not to stress myself again, (he is such a darling).
My friends, with every miracle comes a threat from the evil one, March was the month of my miracle and the month when the real battle started.
The devil tried in several ways to snatch away my joy, from a very sickly 1st trimester to bloody show at the start of my 2nd trimester. Weeks upon weeks, I lay on the hospital bed, terrible fear threatened my faith in God, to be honest then, I couldn’t even remember any line of scripture. Medical reports from different doctors made my heart spin with doubt, uncontrollable tears and depression were what the devil used to taunt me day and night. But in the midst of all this, God remained God, He is not alarmed at all, despite my childish tantrums, He kept my seed all through, with each scan, He kept reassuring me that Nothing shall harm my young, sometimes on my bed, I could feel His gentle touch soothing and telling me that He shall keep all my bones and my baby’s , none of them shall be missing. With Each day of the compulsory bedrest, God kept on working on my heart, charging me to completely trust in Him, that He is not a man that will lie neither is He a son of man that will repent. With the weeks slowly rolling by, hubby and I learnt to stand on God’s word and rebuke the devil, we learnt to turn our eyes away from doctors report to the author and finisher of our faith. On our 1st year wedding anniversary , God of all universe moved strongly on my behalf, my very own daughter made her truimphant entry into the world, her birth silenced the devil’s mouth, brought extraordinary joy into my life. My daughter, did I just say this, my daughter is a blessing everyday.
In this journey to motherhood, God blessed my family with the love of so many wonderful people. People that stood on God’s Word along with us, my parents, they are just the best, I won’t ever forget your endless sacrifice. I love you guys forever. I have a mother in law, whom I choose to call my mother because she is, her faith in God amazes me everyday, yeye oko mi, am so grateful, I love you so much. To my siblings, you guys rock my world everyday, your comforting words to your steadfast prayers made me believe again in the sanctity of family.
I have sisters that we are bound not by physical blood but by the blood of Jesus Christ, these sisters of mine keep showing me a new dimension to sisterhood everyday, Sister Buky Ojelabi, I won’t ever be able to repay your kindness, is it your prayers to your words of advice to your sacrifice in getting all my baby’s things . Am so so overwhelmed by your love and kindness, God keep you and your family. I have another sister called Nike Olanipekun, hmmmmmn, she is indeed my sister, days don’t roll by that she doesn’t check on me, bombard me with prayers, charging me to be strong. I am grateful sis.
I once thought that about this particular person , how unworthy I am to have her love and support, she is Dr Funke Akinmade, she and her spouse just love me, I try to find out why, I just don’t have a clue. Sis, words will never be enough to appreciate you for your love, you are the best.
Lastly, am grateful to every of my friends here on the blog that kept me in their minds even when they had no clue to what was happening, I can’t ever take you all for granted. I love you. Welcome to my world of motherhood.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

I need new dreams

I have always dreamed of being a mum, in fact all my childhood fantasies had centered on prince charming and babies. But what never crossed my mind once was the thought of being a stay at home mum. My expectation has centered on being a woman juggling career and motherhood, definitely not a tired looking mama covered in baby puree and cereal all day long.
Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my lovely baby and I will never trade her for anything in this world, but my perception of motherhood has been greatly altered. Friends, I have been actively searching for a job for 6 months with no success; this has tried my patience so much, it has made me angry at myself, at God and anyone who crosses my path.
Before I got pregnant, I was a perfect career woman who prided herself in her skills of being a journalist and writer. My job was the only thing that managed to boost my self worth, but now that all I do everyday is feeding my adorable child and doing uncountable house chores and binge on soap operas, I ask myself” who am I?.
Am I still the same Tolulope that was so focused, am I still that desirable woman that married almost 2 years ago, am I still that girl that loves God so much. As I ask myself this, I realize that even though I am still the same person,but my dreams have changed. God wants me to dream new dreams, He wants me to take pride in who I am today and bring out positivity. I need to dream new dreams, can I do that?

Not a bad idea

I hate the word ‘Waiting’!! thank God I said it out at last. It is heartbreaking, it brings me high dose of nervousness, it makes me cry, it exposes my vulnerability to people and most especially to God. It shows my sense of not being in control, if you are like me, then I am relieved that am not alone in this. Whenever I  hear the word ‘Patience’ or ‘Waiting’,  what  usually comes  along with it , is lot of squirming and pain because I happen to be born in a microwave generation , a generation that wants things done in a split second, one that has no tolerance for processes or a long plan. I have been conditioned from the womb to dislike anything that looks like waiting, my orientation has been tuned to having things land on my laps as soon as I open my mouth to ask for it.

This obvious dislike for patience is what makes me most times run life on the fast track, it is what makes me try to play god in any situation that arise.

Waiting for me includes not getting a better job quickly, loads of prayer points still pending  at God’s door,  disappointing situations that make me so weak , issues that apparently refuse to let go , habits that I love to drop but still clinging to my hem. As you all know I got married few months ago with high levels of expectations, naturally believing that the world will drop still at my feet because I am now a  Mrs. , but I have come to know that in every situation I need to do some waiting.

Waiting on God is something I have been learning to do since I signed the dotted lines, waiting on Him is something He needs to teach me to be strong , it is what I have to go through to become a better person. Though God still works in present dramatic ways , He however loves to take us through long periods of being still in His presence , seasons  of  helplessness that we might know and crave His awesomeness.

I usually believe that waiting is a sign of been punished for something that I have done against God, I have grown up to believe that waiting is some awkward word used only for the unfortunate but I am so wrong because in waiting I find strength, in waiting I find God, in waiting I find eternal peace. Though everyday that I wait , it is a difficult thing to do, I barely find strength to go through a whole day before I dissolve into doubt, but with every line of doubt , there is a huge amount of faith being released into my system. At the end of the day, waiting is not such a bad idea.

Now that am married

Over the years I have heard countless times that one of the blessings of life is to be married to one’s soul mate, to be eternally joined to that one person that can make one laugh at the silliest things, that person that will be strong when one is weak, that person that will sacrifice all even when it is not convenient. I have  often wondered about the fallibility of this theory, about how unstable circumstances of life can make mar this joyous discovery, but it sure doesn’t matter what I think or feel, God is always true to His promise.

On 3rd of December, God made true His promise to me by giving me Oluwaseyifunmi as my husband, as that person that makes  me laugh even when I feel like weeping, that person that always puts me first in all things, that person that still calls me beautiful in the mornings when I have maps of saliva round my face. As his name depicts , when God gave me my husband, He gave me  a true treasure, a man quiet yet so thoughtful, a man who stabilizes my explosive sanguine nature, a man who knows when to say sorry , a man who really knows me and yet still loves me.

It’s 2 weeks of being married, 2 weeks of knowing that God is God in all situations, that He never fails even though He appears so late , 2 weeks of going back to Him, sometimes crying out of joy , sometimes doubtful about what the future holds. Now that am a Mrs,a title that comes with so much responsibility,  a position that sometimes makes me  break out in sweat because I don’t have all it takes, I don’t have the right words to say, I choose to hold on to God, I choose to look up to Him and stand with my man all the way.

Again, thank you OLUWASEYIFUNMI for making me a woman, thank you for making my dreams come true, thank you for standing with me in my devotion to God, thank you for always telling me “I love you Tolulopemi” every morning, thank you for not being like any other man, thank you for being you, thank you for allowing God to be your Head, thank you for always believing in me. Thank you sweetheart for choosing me. I love you forever.

Stopping the circle

Weeks ago I went for an official meeting in one of the well known hotels in Lagos, as I prepared to take an eye tour of the lodge and people as well, I made an unexpected eye contact with a familiar face. The face happened to belong to one of my male senior friends; I was so excited to see one face I knew in the mammoth of faces that surrounded me.  He was equally happy to meet me as he quickly abandoned the idea of sleeping in his suite upstairs; as we began to catch up on old gist, he suddenly looked into my eyes and asked me, “Tolulope, what is happening to Rahab Memoirs, I have not been seeing your posts, are you alright.”

When I heard him say this, shame and pain made a mixture in my gut, tears smarted on my eyelids, making me remember what made me remember my dreams. Struggling to wade my way through, I stammered up many excuses , why I have not been true to my dreams, why I have allowed myself to be drawn in the pit of emptiness, why I have not found time to ask God the next step in my career, why I have allowed money to be my idol.

In my heart I was expecting my friend to be sympathetic to my woes, unfortunately for me, he bluntly told me, “Tolu, if you have passion for something, you don’t let go, even in the face of pains and trials. Tolu, please stay true to your dreams and passion that is what will make you stand out.”

Over the last months, I have bowed down severally to idols and not to God, I have allowed strange companions including ingratitude, pride, laziness to be my bed fellows. I complain all day long about unfair life and people are to me , I have gotten in contact  with my ridiculous sensitive nature, taking offense to everything people say.

As I write this, I know that I don’t want to walk this road again, I don’t want to be that woman that is pitied every day, I don’t want to be the woman that cries at any sight of trouble, I don’t want to be that money-hungry individual that am fast becoming, I don’t want to be that lady that expects too much from people.

 In three weeks time, I will be walking down the aisle  with the love of my life , OLUWASEYIFUNMI, and God knows I want to be a better person , I want to seek Him in every way, I want to be a woman after God’s own heart. I want to stay true to my dream which is writing and totally for now forget about money or material things.

Friends, this day I invite you again on the renewal of my vows to writing and blogging, I ask for divine grace from God as I continue to write truly from the heart and even extend it to fiction because that is my dream.

Friends, Am Back

Hello everyone, I am so glad to be back from the long-intended break I have put myself on for several months. Over the  time that I went AWOL, I have received many texts and e-mails of friends urging me to come back to blogging, I have received phone calls of people asking me what the problem was, and why I decided to shut down. I am grateful for your prayers and support over the time when I practically lost strength and faith in everything I believed in.

This morning as I ride in the bus taking me to work, I decided to chat with my friend (Ff), this chat of ours demonstrated to me how easy it was to go away from the right track and just do  things anyhow. Since I started my break, I have blamed everyone around for my condition , even God, I totally rebelled against Him and told Him through my actions that I don’t need Him anymore in my life.

Friends, one thing I have discovered over my isolated period is that it is so easy to always point blaming fingers to everyone for what is happening in our lives and ignore the fact that  we are 100%  responsible for it. This year has been a challenging one for me, no doubt, but it has also been a year I have to grow up most, it is a year where my rose-colored glasses is broken and I am made to see life from the real side.

The truth is, at every stage, life will happen to us and we will be highly vulnerable to stuff that we hate most, we will be disappointed over events and  at people that we trust most , we will be rejected by loved ones. People will promise us and they will fail because God wants it like that, He doesn’t want people to share His glory.

This year, my faith has shaken,  revealing to me my lack of depth in God’s business, I have crumbled because my foundation was not strong enough. Friends, over this period, I have known great mercy from God, I have known His tender love that will never leave me even in storms that will always come around.

I have learnt that in every challenge and trial that comes my way, it is not ME that matters but God. Shouting, crying and being depressed won’t ever solve the problem, it is praising God and telling Him that will do justice.

Friends, am back, but I can’t promise you that I will be blogging regularly or that I will always have it together, what I promise you is that God’s love will be always be there for me to hold on to. People are dying every second, natural disasters roar with anger, terrorism seems the order of the day and my first reaction is fear, but I choose not to fear but  always speak God into every situation.

Friends, am happy to back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I am broke

It been quite long that I wrote anything personal, for months I have mentally shut down because I couldn’t just write again because anytime I tried to, I feel like a fraud and someone that deserve to be spanked for deceiving people.

When I entered this year, I mentally had my head in the clouds, not exactly thinking and praying about the challenges the New Year will come with. I thought in my heart that my few minutes of prayer will magically wade off evil and trials; I argued with God that my good works were enough to get me through, how wrong can I be. Before I go on to rattle about my challenges, I need to praise God for His new  mercies everyday though many times I don’t deserve it.

In this year 2011, God has many times turned to me and did me good, He has crowned my head with a good and  godly man that loves me to pieces , hmmm, he is a good man , I have to write that again . God has and is using him to teach me the definition of love, I have lots of drama, you just have to stay in the house with me for a day to discover this, but my knight in shining armor manages to keep up with me. I thank God for this blessing every morning, and I do not in any way take it for granted.

Now to my failures and dramas. This year brought with it a drought, a financial one that has tried my patience, courage and faith. I work in a good place, at least that is what everybody says, but friends I am broke, flat broke because I refuse to get shock absorbers before I got on this journey called 2011.

As at last year, I was pretty content with waiting for my salary at the end of the month and building my life around the comfort of the few thousands of naira that hit my salary account. I had a diary I keep to document my finances and list the kind of clothes, shoes, accessories I needed to buy every month. I do this every month like a ritual, on that list, the only thing that looks like God is my tithe, I obviously did not care about my friend that is out of job and needed my few thousands just to get through the day.

I was selfish, always looking out for my own, clothes became an obsession for me; a month won’t pass me buying one latest designer that just hit Lagos stores. What I didn’t know was that I was digging my financial brokenness; I thought I was being fashion conscious; I defended my lack of compassion to being smart.

One cannot deceive God, not even the smartest person on earth, because He just doesn’t deal with appearances, God judges the heart and will reward each accordingly.

I thought working in a blue chip company will in a way secure my finances, it didn’t and it will never. This year, I have been humbled and brought down from the high tower of self-importance, I have learnt to cope with little and turning my hungry eyes from the designer clothed mannequins.

Though I am still fashion conscious, I have  learnt to stop taking things on credit because it is ruining me and eating away my future and moreover the clothes I wear are not what who I am really. Even though it is good to dress up and be the fine girl, clothes doesn’t hide my nakedness from God, He sees all and judges.

This evening I ask for mercy and grace to just live my life according to His counsel and stop being willful as I always want to be.

I stop being stupid

Times are changing, people are changing too and sometimes it scares me because someone I seem to know well today might have changed tomorrow. Times like people seem to have a dynamic ability to change colors like the chameleon, no amount of whining and refusal to accept the truth will make it yield to me.

Before I go ahead and whine about unfair people have been to me, I am compelled to adhere to this saying, “healer, heal thyself’’. Like one of the earlier posts on the blog , the speck in my eye is big enough to burn a pot of water. While writing this piece, I came to a sudden realization that I have changed a lot over the years, I have bowed to the maturity that age brings to my doorstep. A lot of people who knew me when I was a ‘yes woman’ are all  shocked  at the self-absorbed , confident and sometimes aloof individual that call herself Tolulope, while to some they see me as an embodiment of goodness .

While I will not blame the former category of people for being shocked at the person I have become, I feel it as a responsibility to them that though I have changed in the way I relate and talk , it is not a surprise at all because I am human , and for crying at loud, humans change, it is only God that doesn’t and He will never. For years I have stretched myself to please people, I have denied myself the pleasure of discovering myself because I wanted a category of human beings to perceive me as ‘miss goody-goody’. I have allowed myself to be suppressed in the face of truth because I felt “it is better to keep quiet at all times’’,  I have laughed always because it is the right thing to do.

Where I am now, I want to know the difference between stupidity and humility, I will always want to choose humility, for it is a virtue to be coveted by all but I really need the difference between these two. Is it okay for one to be quiet when one is being bullied by  someone who thinks that age is all that matters in this world ? , when is it proper to speak up and refuse to be downtrodden even when one is being threatened by their misquotes of the Scripture? Is it scriptural for people to maltreat others all in the name of helping them? These are the questions that go through my mind because I don’t want to be known as  the ‘miss goody-goody’ again , when I leave this world , I will want to be referred to as a God fearing , honest woman that spoke the truth bluntly in the face of tyranny.

Like I wrote earlier, I am a big fan of humility, being humble attracts a lot into one’s life , it makes favour your best friend and grace, the sibling that share your bed . But excuse me, being humble is not synonymous to being stupid, and for at least a month now I have boldly decided to stop being stupid because I have been for a long time on earth, it is time to discover myself through God’s perspective, it is time to refuse to be treated like ‘shit’ by people that think they are better than me in a way.

For people that think are better than me, I don’t care because I am not in any competition with them, my goal is to be all that God has outlined for me, my desire is to be that woman that loves and fears God, it is not to see you wear the next designed Gucci because honestly I don’t care if you do, I have a lot on my mind that clearly doesn’t include you.

For people that are still waiting for people to love them at all cost, I am sorry to announce to you that, it might never happen but I know of Someone who has vowed to love you forever, He is the creator of the world, the restorer of destiny, rewriter of history and changer of destiny, His name is God, His son’s is Jesus Christ. I don’t have be a nice person as long as I am on the right page with God .

Much more than me (Guest post 1)

“Jeeeeesus, help me.” I bawled.

The doctor took one long look at me and resumed her procedure as though oblivious to my pain. The catheter she fed into the vein below my  elbow plunged me into intense agony. It hurt like nothing I had ever experienced before. This was a deep-vein intravenous and not the usual one on the wrist. Short of yelling the place down, I was in super turmoil as she yanked the catheter out again. She poked and prodded looking for a good vein and I sang yee o with every jolt of pain. Modesty was not required at this time; I just had to give vent to my discomfort.

It took an excruciating thirty minutes of threading needles through my delicate skin before we finally had a breakthrough. Did I breathe a sigh of relief? Not yet. It was just the beginning of the journey and it was too late to back out. Had I known it would hurt this much, I might have delayed the procedure and worked harder at getting divine healing; painlessly. But then this procedure was needful and urgently too.

If the Lord revealed every hurdle, pain or valley we’d pass through before time, many of us might think twice about going on with Him. However, God in His infinite wisdom reveals the glory to come so that it would cushion us against thoughts of hopelessness when we momentarily swing through the valley.

Catheter in place, surgical gown donned and final prayer mumbled, I took the short steps down the hallway to the white room. Lying on the cold hard table, I stared at the ceiling refusing to admire or even acknowledge the little gadgets displayed for butchery. My heart thumped wildly. Scenarios of life bombarded my thoughts, pretty much like ‘my life flashing slowly, slowly before my eyes’. And you know the all-important question people often ask when they’re in this kind of situation, ‘Will I die?’

The question I asked was, ‘Lord, did I not reckon myself healed?’ I was desperate to know if all my confessions, prayers, study and stance of faith were not enough to qualify me for a miracle because I saw myself healed. Here’s a quick reminder of how faith works:  Faith is energized by a good grasp of God’s word, an absolute trust in God that translates to immediate action. Just as the scripture:

‘If you have faith as a mustard seed, you can say to this Mulberry tree, ‘Be pulled up by the root and be planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you.” Luke 17:6.

The Lord didn’t give me an answer so I went ahead to remind Him of His many promises and why I shouldn’t, wasn’t ready to cross to the other side.

A couple of hours later, I was back in the recovery room under heavy sedation. When I finally came to, I screamed the place down. The anesthesia had worn off and my body recoiled at the intense pain. The tender care of the nurses who bathed me every day and the doctors who oversaw my recovery propelled me to appreciate and thank God for good doctors, equipment, nurses, environment and just everything I could comprehend at the time.

Having surgery didn’t negate my faith. God could have used any method at all to heal me. The issue was for me to trust Him. Remember when Jesus mixed saliva with dust to make mud to heal a blind man? We would say that was crude but it worked didn’t it? The next day, I got the depressing news that I would have to go back for more surgery; something else was wrong.

Like most people, I had hoped for the boom-type healing where I would later stand on the pulpit and recount how God’s awesome power zipped through my body in an instant. However, in reality what I needed was reconstructive surgery.  I had faith for the diagnosed symptoms but was unaware of the other life threatening issues at stake so my faith couldn’t have worked without medical intervention. That’s why doctors are a blessing. When I finally understood what was really wrong with me, it was easy to ask, speak and apply God’s word to the remaining two procedures which were like a walk in the park.

On my second visit to the white room, by which time I had become accustomed to the not so glorious scenery; I said a short prayer, not asking for anything, no discussion, just a ‘thank you, Lord for life’ when I heard the Lord spoke.

“Daughter, I am taking you through this route in spite of yourself, in spite of your faith. Through this you can appreciate others in pain, encourage and help them trust me in their situations. This is not about you; it’s about me, my plans and my purpose.”


‘What!’ This isn’t about me? I can’t even feel sorry for myself and gather pity party for what I’m going through? I ruminated. The pain and agony I’d been through and the earth-shattering news that I had a life-threatening issue that required swift surgery isn’t about me?

Moments later, the anesthesia engulfed me in a deep sleep. I was discharged with full instructions on how to care for myself for the next six weeks. The doctor warned that I may never fully recover and there was a likelihood of recurrence in a very short while. Determined to go beyond the doctor’s report, although I took labored steps, I attempted things I was physically incapable of. I let God’s word take full control as I spoke and claimed healing and health. Within four weeks I was back on my feet, resumed work, got a very positive report during the third check-up and up till recent times.

You see, this was not just about faith and divine healing because all along it wasn’t about me. There was a bigger picture than my little situation that God was interested in. Not that my pain didn’t matter to Him; it did, more than I’ll ever understand.

“For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities…” Heb 4:15.

I’ve had the luxury of instant healings in the past and that could easily put me in a position to judge people who are unable to fully grasp His word for healing or even discourage those who truly need medical intervention. Healing is not always instantaneous and constructive miracles are not as common. Besides, if we cannot aptly apply the word of God to combat a common cold or headache, we certainly cannot for a tumor or cancer.

But the real issue here is that even if I had enough faith to be healed without medical intervention, God chose to override it. Sometimes we get so complacent with God’s blessings we take it for granted. We get out of school with honors, get a sterling job and fabulous pay with trips abroad, get married, pop out two or three kids, our bodies are fit and healthy and everything is just honky-dory.

Now the question is: If God were to ruffle our cute little existence with a series of impossibilities would we still serve Him?  

Could a season of lack, for instance, compromise your integrity? Imagine praising God on an empty stomach and no hope of breaking your circumstance-imposed fast. Some of us need a season of lack to fully appreciate giving. Our triumph over trials (“Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.” James 1:3) could be the only unspoken sermon someone would need to receive Christ and get into God’s kingdom. “You are our epistles written in our hearts, known and read by all men.” 2 Cor 3:2

But let’s hear it from a man whose life is such an epistle:

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” 2 Cor 12:7-12

Paul’s ‘thorn in the flesh’ had nothing to do with his lack of faith. It had everything to do with God’s infinite purpose. If God means business with you, He will ruffle your feathers till He squeezes every ounce of flesh out of you and remold you to be EVERYTHING He created you to be and steer you in the direction of your destiny.

I then began to understand the reasons behind ‘some’ not all of my adversities because ‘many are the afflictions of the righteous’. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying every sickness, infirmity or adversity comes because God has a higher purpose. God does not get any glory in sicknesses, diseases or self-inflicted adversity.

Our lives are not solely about us. How dare we live as if we’re all that matters. You, me, us, we might be the only opportunity someone may need to meet the Saviour. We might be the one God wants to use to deliver an individual, a family or a nation. It is only what we do for God that counts for eternity and that’s why it gives me great pleasure to know that there’s profit in my pain. And really, it’s an honor to be used by God in anyway He deems fit.

So my question to you is: ‘Are you too busy minding your business, living your life for you such that you can’t be bothered about others? Or can God count on you to be His instrument of salvation? Will you permit Him to use you to show the world what real compassion is when He puts you in the shoes of those in need of compassion? Will you permit Him to show you what giving is really all about when you gaze at the cross and see the ultimate giving in action?

If so, get ready because like a tornado, He’s going to rip through your life. But remember that AFTER EVERY CROSS AND THORN THERE’S A CROWN AND THERE’S A GLORY.

“And every man that striveth for the mastery is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a corruptible crown; but we an incorruptible.” 1 Cor 9:25

Now you have a choice, you can choose.

P.S:  Olusola is a wife, mother and a God lover. I will be featuring her posts for the month. She blogs at http://www.histiara.com. Please check her out. She’s got the Word for the season


It has been long, I guess that  is my slogan now, but I have missed you all. Thanks for your prayers, support, I appreciate. I love being with you and that is why in this month of May and June , we will be having guest bloggers on the blog to write about REAL ISSUES ,they are OLUSOLA MACUALAY of http://www.histiara.com and OGHALE ELEDU of http://sycamoretalks.wordpress.com . These are wonderful women that are so radical about their faith. Watch out for them.

Meanwhile, anytime you close your eyes ,please never forget to whisper a word to God on my behalf.

Tolulope Odeyemi

A virtuous woman no matter what

I know it has been long

I know it has been long since I put my pen down on the paper

I know it has been quite a while since I saw Your face in my dreams

But Your thoughts never depart for once in my heart

I have not for once forgotten Your thoughtful whispers in the night

Your frequent  callings wake me up in the night

My hearts beat ,wanting to know

Where You call from

It has been long since I listened to You

That alone breaks Your heart

I hang around Your window

Cos of fear, I can not enter

Then I heard ,Oh I smelt Your breath

Against my nostrils, urging to come home

It has been long, I silently tell You

Home is where you belong

You said

I had to be pierced (via Rahab Memoirs’)

This morning while praying and wondering at the same time , I realized that if not for Jesus Christ , my life will simply not have a meaning. I remembered this post that I wrote last year when I had my piercing experience , I thought it will be nice to pull it out of the archives for Easter. What a victory we have through the Lamb of God, what a wretched generation we will have been if not His sacrifice on the cross.
Thank You Jesus.

I had to be pierced Months ago I went to get myself pierced, I have always had this desire to get a second ear hole , how I just love the idea of having two small earrings adorn each of   my cute ears , but I have been held back by a lot of reasons .Firstly by my parents , my dad made it very known to us(girls)in his home  when we were growing up about his aversion for jewellery of whosoever kind . My loving daddy is an adherent believer of natural beauty, he often … Read More

via Rahab Memoirs'

Who am I?

Months ago, I received an award for being versatile in my blog , and I was expected to put up 10 things about me that people don’t necessarily know about me . I must confess I was thrilled and grateful to fellow bloggers that nominated me but I held back because I did not in a whole way know myself. I asked within my mind , why will I put up a list on the blog when I am not sure it is me.

If you are like me , have you ever wondered what you are doing on earth , why did you come with a particular gender, is there more to life than getting married, having babies , going to school , having all the money and working like a jackal? These are questions that I have in my mind all the time even when I apparently look like someone who does not have a care in my life,on a light note, I have that look.

As  human beings , I  realise we are complex with lots of drama hidden in us by God , to know ourselves , psychologists won’t ever help, so don’t waste your money and time being trapped behind the chair . I have discovered that we won’t ever know really ourselves until we have an encounter with God.

That brings me to the next question , How do we really become sure that God is with us? This will shock you because it does not qualify as a question to you but it does to me. Doubts fill me many times, I still battle time after time with my flesh and I make decisions based on my desires and feel too much. Especially as a woman , I must say I qualify as a ‘’feeler’’ which is not a strong point at all.

To walk with God is to throw into the waste bin all the feeling issues because to love God equals to being a person of faith. Weeks ago, when surfing the net , I read a comment of Oprah Winfrey on her spirituality , she said ‘’the reason why Christianity did not work for her because she needs a feeling thing rather than the believing thing’’. I mentally cringed when I read this because if all my life can be summarised in a feeling moment , then it doesn’t make sense.

To know myself truly is to believe that there is a Higher Source that is so bigger than me , it is to know that my existence is totally hinged on God , for without Him I don’t make a meaning , am just a cheap lump of clay balancing ecosystem. Faith is knowing that everything in this   world is simply beyond us , and to live a life of purpose is to always run into Jesus Christ who is ‘’THE WAY, THE TRUTH AND THE LIFE’’

I have sadly watched loved ones slip into eternity , I have heard shocking news of how people lose their lives to a simple miscalculation of the drivers, doctors , I have cried in anger as  aunties die in their prime , I have lived in vacuums for days wondering why am on earth. I have sat for days empty right inside church , just hoping to be consoled .

That is where faith comes in , it is believing in those things that can not be seen , it is being joyous when I don’t have a dime in my pocket.

This Easter , faith is absolutely knowing that over 2000 years ago , God came in form of man to redeem us from sins and on the cross He(Jesus Christ) said ‘’It’s finished’’. In Him I live , move and have my being , so from now I can boldly say I know who I am because I know Jesus Christ. My friends , don’t be scared when life throws us heavy yokes , remember that Jesus has risen.

Happy Easter.

I dare to call Him Daddy

This morning , I am literarily bursting forth with joy  and tears of relief pouring down my face as I write because my heart can’t just understand how God will love me so much, why He keeps tripping for me. If noticed by my friends, these past months have been one depressing one , struggles of every kind showed up at my door threatening to strip me naked in the streets. These past months , I have questioned my faith , my essence , doubts have really tried to wear me out, most nights I sleep thinking that ‘’ maybe I have turned into an atheist’’ as I could not pray effectively again.

I stopped looking at the mirror because of the ugliness that irritatingly seep out through my sleek made up face , I have more wrinkles on my face because of the fake smiles that everyday make a debut on it. I fell in faith , I struggled with sin but in all of this God wouldn’t just let go. Like Donnie McClurkin’s song ‘’I fall down , I get up’’, friends I have fallen in my faith and miraculously gotten up and I have come to discover more things about the God I serve.

My God is not just Someone that will save me and leave me to discover the mysteries, He patiently waits for me to call Him Daddy, He loves to hear my feminine voice call Him in the dark when I think I am alone  . God is my daddy and talking about needy individuals, I top the list , am incredibly needy , wanting attention all the time , I have discovered that no matter how capable a human may be , they can’t just keep up with my neediness only my Daddy can do that.

Through the scriptures every day , I get to know that not calling or relating to God as Daddy only makes life difficult and inadvertently robs me of His joy. He is always ready to take me in His big , strong arms , He wants me to tell Him everything , everything like painful monthlies, temptations no matter how absurd they sound past pains that won’t just stop haunting us like masquerades in our dreams. My daddy loves me , am His little ,special girl anyday, I don’t get it right most times , but He keeps using my mistakes for His glory , just for His.

Recently my Daddy revealed to me that to every child of His, there is a provision for lots of siblings , my God is not a daddy to only a child , He has lots of them , with this , He made me discover that my treasures do not lie in the mint in the bank account nor my stocks in blue chip companies nor in fame but in Him and the right people. These past months of depression , I have known that I might never be rich , never be popular but God has indeed blessed me with the most wonderful siblings both biologically and spiritually. Here now , am writing about my spiritual siblings that God has gracefully surrounded me  with , they keep loving me even in my mess.

I present to my friends my new siblings ; Buky Ojelabi. Meeting you, sister is one major highlight of 2010, you are woman totally sold out to God, you  chastise me well when need be, you pamper when you  see that situations of life have bruised my ego, am grateful for having you in my life , I won’t ever take for granted our friendship.

I remember one afternoon when Buky introduced Tolulope Ilesanmi to me , Bros mi , as I like to call you , you are no longer a writer friend , you are my big brother , I don’t need to put up appearances when talking with you , you are a good man, I won’t take our relationship for granted ever in my life.

After Tolulope came this wonderful woman , Lara Daniels who became interested in my blog , she has been wonderful , though her comments few make a strong presence in the blog, she calls me ‘’my sister from another mother’’, I am grateful for this association , we are finishing strong together.

To one sister that motivated me in this blogging business is Jaycee , I respect this woman , she unknowingly blessed my life when she gave me this mindblowing scripture ;Ezekiel 16:6-12. Thank you Jennifer for being a sister and prayer partner.

One single sister I won’t ever forget is Bomi of Jolly notes , though we don’t really communicate , she leaves me mails and prayers , I appreciate egbon mi. You won’t be disappointed.

As I write this , I come to realize that I have lots of siblings that has  blessed and still blessing me , you all  might not be mentioned but you are remembered and appreciated . I could not have made it this far without God and you , you make me say No to that tempting sin that won’t leave my doorstep, you make me more humble that a girl from the backside of Ilesa will make sense in the city . We are finishing strong , heaven will not be interesting even I don’t see you all there , I won’t stop praying for you , please don’t stop praying for me , I need tons of it.

My speck is bigger than yours

For few weeks now, I have been enjoying the media attention , I have been praised by my colleagues about my guts to write on sensitive issues , my wonderful friends have made it a habit of encouraging me which I deeply appreciate, my yahoo inbox, facebook and twitter have been jammed with messages spurring me on in the goodwork. Even though I have over times promised God never to be puffed up or self-reliant , the same things  I have been writing about, have revengefully turned around to haunt my soul, seriously threatening to destroy my testimony.

How easy it is to point the accusing finger, how pampering it can be for the soul to put down another fellow who fell into sin and self- righteously say ‘’’I can not believe, she is this promiscuous , does she have self-control at all’’ or go ahead to reveal another man’s secret ‘’my friend , did you hear that sister mercy put to bed six months after her wedding’’.

I have been guilty of this shameful behaviour, I have over times hanged out with friends and accuse people of their sins , I have been in forefront of debates of how people can be so weak in the face of sins. I have wondered within myself  why some people kept on eating their own vomit , my self- righteousness has subdued my compassion , always quick to put down and not extend a hand of mercy just God does for me every second of my life. I have like a hangman sentenced lots of people to the gallows just like Hamman with my tongue , what I don’t know is that for every pit dug by a Hamman , he ends up inside.

Before I really digress , I must write that the devil is not only after the unbelievers , he is after everyone Jesus died for , He wants as much as possible to get everyone in hell, so he is crazily haunting us with sins or let me write our weaknesses.

I have it a hard time to sit down and write about this , because I felt it is too spiritual and my readers might find it boring , I have wrestled with the Spirit , begging Him to make Him conceal my sins , but I can’t again , for without writing this , I might not be able to write again . Where you are sitting and reading this , you are probably thinking that ‘’ what possibly can be Tolu’s weaknesses , she is smart , cute and spiritual’’, you are correct in those observations but only superficially correct because to every human you see , there is always a depth that no one can successfully dissect except the Creator. Human beings are not just what we see , we are complex spiritual beings trying to live on the flesh, never possible though.

These days , temptations have constantly lodged at my doorstep like a lion waiting  for its prey, I have been down, I have over the weeks doubted my own faith in God , I have cried endlessly not because I have no food on my table nor clothes on my back , nor money in my account , nor love in my life but because my grip of the Word is slipping fast , because my mind is now a vagabond roaming aimlessly , sins of diverse manner is becoming enticing to me.

Friends , I am not ashamed to ask you all to take a pause from whatever you are doing and please ask for strength for my mind , I need to be able to accept my Daddy’s love with no shame , I need to decrease so that God will forever increase , for this friends ,please pray.

Life after the miracle

It is not everyday a dead man wakes up from the grave or morgue , it is not an occasional thing for a cancer patient to be healed , it is not something common for a childless woman to miss her monthly period and carry her miracle baby. It is very rare these days to see a decade long habit break in few minutes or a hardened reprobate change in a single encounter with God. But no matter how rare these miracles are , they happen and of course to human beings , miracles from God are like rain that have been held up in the sky and suddenly let down on a  dry infertile desert , they are refreshing relief to our desperate souls.

I have been through circumstances that seemly look impossible , situations like giants that won’t just budge , habits that were so part of me that most times it looked normal to my life but in all of this , I have seen God’s hands move upon me , I have been sought out by God and miraculously saved by His grace. In weeks , I have discovered how much God can change a person , how much history  He can rewrite , how much of a destiny He can change.

After the thirst in the desert , after the scorching sun in the wilderness of the problems , suddenly the miracles come , the habit is broken , the child is born , the job is secured , the husband walks in through the door totally repentant, the wayward child becomes an instrument of God ,the  cancer suddenly becomes benign , fibroids turn to fetuses  and we  become carriers of miracles, then what happens?

This is what I have found myself in these days , I have the miracles  and suddenly pride is showing up on my doorsteps , giving me an attitude against God, am scared , so scared because I can’t sustain these miracles  without the One that  gave me the miracles in the first place. As ridiculous as it may sound , I am finding so easy to stay back in bed at 5.00 a.m instead of jumping out to praise and pray to God , the idea of watching the soap operas is becoming an option to my daily Bible study , my mind is slipping at the edge of ‘I can do it all alone’.

As I write this piece , Holy Spirit whispered into my soul to be sober and watchful for my enemy stands real close to my miracles , wanting to turn it into snares not the blessings God intended it to be . This is my prayer this morning .

Prayer: God , You know am nothing without You , am just a lump of clay without Your breath , help me to walk in You , and live in You. I surrender my life , my job , my relationships , my family ,my money , everything to You. I receive a meek heart that thirsts for You everyday.Pride has no hold on me for I am Your workmanship, help me to see my miracles as anchors in You that will forever tie me to You, let my life after the miracles be surely better than the life before the miracles in You, God.

My love secrets

From where I sit to write this , I could literally feel love in the air , as I put my hands on the keyboard to put my thoughts down , goose pimples line up my upper arms causing me to shake . This time of the year is when torrent of hormones flow unending in my bloodstream, making me cry with joy whenever I watch a country romance comedy where the man sweeps his maiden  off her feet , this period is when I dare to reveal more of myself to my friends , fellow bloggers  and tell them few things I can’t ever apologize  for , at least in this present world.

To people that don’t really know me, because I must  confess, am quite complex to understand , one minute ,I might be a drama queen and laugh like someone with no worries in the world ,the next minute I am all serious ,facing my business . Firstly , to know me is to know that am so into God , totally sold out to  Him and since He discovered and wooed me and I became His sweetheart , I have always been bursting in my seams to share the Good News of  this incredible love story.

Since this romance between Him and I started , there are lots of sentences like these ‘’ What will I do without Jesus ?, I love You so much , Am nothing without You ‘’ have comfortably wiggled their ways into my day to day lexicon . That doesn’t mean I am perfect , in fact I still have a long way to go  or I don’t commit biblical faux pas ,it simply means I am nothing without God and I will keep searching and chasing Him till I become all what He wants to become.

Another thing you won’t ever see me being ashamed of, is my diehard obsession for romance . I am a sanguine and the whole idea of ‘boy meets gir’l is such a big deal to me, any day ,  I am a sucker for love . I am one of the girls that got exposed early  to the world of knights in shining armour through the reputed Mill and Boons , though over the years , some  princes have turned to frogs , it still doesn’t change my perception of love.

Yes, I agree that age and experience has finally succeeded in  making  my head correct, unlike former years when I was starry eyed and quite stupid , am still a fan of love because I believe in it . There are deep rooted ideologies that I am going back to , there are basics of romance that must bloom again regardless of the dark clouds that pervade the horizon , there are God-created rules about love that must be followed again .

It’s Valentine again , and am gushing with so much love , I wish you could see my heart right now , love is not something anyone should give up on , it is not a commodity in the market that anyone should  ignore . I know this world is so unfair and dirty , but common on , that is the reason why love is needed , it opens us to a new world where beauty doesn’t count , where charisma is so embarrassed to show its face , because Love rules.

Love is what makes me  laugh hysterically in the bathroom when I remember what my man said in his last conversation , it is what makes me 18 years again as I dance around my room trying to picture his face next to mine . Love is what makes me blush when no one is around except for the memories of our togetherness, love is beautiful that is not restricted to male/female alone , it is what makes you see a beggar on the roadside and stop to drop few naira in the outstretched hands.

Love is what makes you treat everyone with fairness regardless of their class, age , it is what makes you want to wake up everyday and face this cruel world.

Happy Valentine to all my friends , bloggers , this time next year ,it will be a better one for all of us as all our prayers will have been answered .

I quit the slums (part 2)

After writing the 1st part and posting , I honestly did not know where the second part will come from ,I had no clue about what to write ,because all I was feeling when writing the 1st part was quiet desperation on how to get out of the slums and to be permanently banned from those mindsets that stand like mountains in my path.

Then the comments started rolling in one after the other , the red light on my phone will constantly alert me of someone’s contribution to the slum situation . As I eagerly waited for each comment, I, underneath my breath pray  to God that someone will be touched , someone’s heart will be convicted , that God will be glorified in my life and in the lives of my contributors.

Then a particular comment  casually rolled in , Jaycee replied ,but not in the usual way , she sent in the Word and it shook my very existence , surging great hope within me that am not just a lonely traveler marooned on an isolated  island but that inside of the slums there is Someone right there with me. What she sent knocked out my usual thinking that God can’t rescue me from the slums easily , I was wrong because He is with me , urging , cheering , comforting , and loving me out of those slums.

The scripture, Jaycee sent was Ezekiel 16:6-14, since she sent it , I have been looking around for various Bible translations to better explain this wonderful revelation , this morning, as I decided to write again , I finally settled for the Youth Bible Contemporary English version , I was amazed to see how much God has gone and how far he is still ready to go to save me , here is the scripture.

‘’ I saw you lying there , rolling around in your own blood and I couldn’t let you die. I took care of you , like someone  caring for a tender ,young plant. You grew up to be a beautiful young woman with perfect breasts and long hair, but you were still naked . When I saw you again, you were old enough to have sex. So I covered your naked body with My own robe, then I solemnly promised and entered into a covenant  with you, says the Lord God and you became mine. Then I bathed you with water and washed off  your blood from you and anointed you with oil’’.

This amazes me , how tender , loving , compassionate my God is , he’s not standing outside of the slums waiting for my exit , He is right inside looking for as many as will turn to Him even in their pains and disillusionment. What a great message this is , that no matter how far we’ve gone in sins , God is always able to bring us out. He is the changer of destiny , the rewriter of history , the author and the finisher of my faith , without Him I don’t exist. I don’t want a life without Him in it, I don’t want a home that He is not heading. This day , with my hands around His neck , God is carrying me out of the slums , looking from His shoulders, I saw the devil and cohorts gnashing because they’ve lost me forever.

I quit the slums (part 1)

Before I start writing this , I will want to beg for indulgence from my sister, my senior friend and my mentor , Buky Ojelabi as I am going to use her last post ‘Leaving behind comfort zones’ as a reference point.

Few days ago before Sister Buky posted her new note , she sent a copy to me to edit and to professionally advise on , though I wasn’t able to finally edit as I was no where I could use the Ms office , I read it and immediately I saw ‘’comfort zones’’ , I mentally laughed ,knowing that this is me in a different way.

For me , leaving my past is as stressful  and painful like a cow wrestling with labour pains , leaving my past which unfortunately is my comfort zone is what I live for everyday , as I can’t wait to disassociate myself  from those mistakes that boldly stare me in the face anytime I want to, in my desperate bid to get away , I have often prayed for ‘Amnesia’ so at least I can forget. But like the saying ‘’if wishes are horses , beggars will ride’’, I can only wish that the past will vanish and I will forget , I can’t , the sting can only be taken away.

My comfort zones were all along refuse sites ,that I have been  terribly used to , they are relationships that are toxic that I have become addicted to , they are mindsets that have built talons and claws inside my psyche and become strongholds, comfort zones are the valleys of my dry bones.

When Buky sent that note and I saw her reference to London as her comfort zone where she had fond memories , mine is not like that , I have always found it rather easy to say goodbye to the good stuff  that come my way, it is the garbage I keep struggling with like a wet fish on a dry land.

As a media person , I get to see lots of things that confuse and surprise me , one of the news in my office is the report of people that live in a particular slum in Lagos(Nigeria), the slum is partially one big refuse site , where people live in , shacks have been  built over the years on this settlement. People live, cook and have kids  in this slum, known as home to them, when they were asked if they will like to relocate to a safer and cleaner  environment , they out rightly refused claiming that the slum has become a home to them as they can’t imagine life without the filth.

As I write this piece, there is a similarity between me and these slum settlers, but unlike them, I can’t wait to bolt out from this life sucking circumstances. As a single lady of considerable age and with a figure so petite , I often wondered why I am yet to have a man in my life , several times  I have put myself on a hot seat just to know what exactly is the issue , people that are concerned about my single status have often planned blind dates for me , but they don’t just work because am not allowing it to. Most times I keep seeing myself as the person that is not good enough to have an individual to devote all the love on , I have been used to comfort zones of relationships where  I have  to work like a jackal in  order to make the relationship see the light of the day . I get scared and sweaty whenever I have a young man fawning over me , seeking my attention , a great part of me screams at me to run as it can’t be real , while in the toxic relationships , I am the chief planner , chief talker , chief giver ,like mother bee trying to always win love.

Anytime I talk to my father about it ,and I cry endlessly about how unfair things are to me , the only answer I receive from the Holy Spirit is ‘ ‘Why can’t you accept love , if you are still finding hard to receive love  from humans you can see, how will receive the ultimate love from God you can’t see’’. As I heard this ,this morning , tears splatter down my face because I don’t know why am stuck on this refuse site ,looking for more dirt to eat while the only One that can save me stands near me beckoning me to come out.

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