My new hunger

The other day at home on my bed receiving a call from a friend, surrounded by family, I suddenly came to a realization that the word called JOY is not as common as people tend to assume because it is not earthly at all. For a long time , in fact for all I could remember, I have always longed for things that will spring forth joy in me , this pursuit has been one major force that throws me into lots of friendships , relationships, it in a way contributed to my compulsive shopaholic habit.

Joy is one thing everyone desire even the most reprobate, for me it’s that thing in me that I can’t give a name to , that completion that my heart desperately yearns for , sometimes I have this ‘déjà vu ‘ feeling  that I have experienced it before  , then in a flash it dissolves like a heap of ash on the sea. As I receive that call , I try to draw my joy from it , from the calming, baritone voice of my friend , but I couldn’t , even though I was at that minute happy that I am with him on the airwaves , sharing views, right there ,a thought crept  into my subconscious that happiness is far different from joy. It is like day and night, it is not even nearest in meaning like I was taught in my lexicon classes way back, they are opposite, each sourced from different personalities.

While happiness can be bought in any market of today’s world , it can be faked by even the dumbest actors , it can be imagined by anybody and of course be gotten through any means , joy is like a spring that has only one source; GOD .

Years before now, I will sit and think that having a man will in a way complete me , that it will somehow give my life a meaning , how wrong I was to ignorantly commit this blunder , because no matter how much love a man claims to have for me , no matter how much of my body he can reach and touch  , there will always a part of me ,he won’t ever get to ;my Spirit , and if he can’t get there , how can he satisfy its desires. Before you get me wrong , it’s 100% possible that a man loves me , and he makes me deliriously excited and feel all the tingles in this world , but the fact remains that he is not capable of helping me discover my purpose which alone can bring forth joy in me. That essence of life can only be gotten through a Higher Source.

My hunger for joy has made trek the crowdy  road of materialism ,as I get to this point , I can only sigh because am still walking this road, I can only beg God to teach me not to look around and focus on Him for in Him , there is joy or let me write , He’s JOY personified. In this market of ‘ ‘get more ,get more’’ , a lot screams at me saying ‘ ‘more T.M, Hawes & Curtis, Polo shirts ,Nine West, designer goods , latest phones will land me into the country called JOY’’, but am always wrong anytime I make this assumption for it is a foolish thing to think that  any of these termites prone stuff will ever give me that eternal joy.

As an individual that loves to personalize things , I hereby give my definition of this ethereal gift , Joy is being restful in the midst of pain , knowing that trials are normal things God uses to strengthen us and make us super heroes. Joy is being contented when there is nothing that looks like mint in my bank account , and I can dance with my neighbor that bought his 3rd car. Joy is knowing that there are some things I shouldn’t bother trying to unravel for they are mysteries reserved for heaven. Joy is believing in God and thanking  even when my body loses it youthful appeal and bow to diseases, to me that is joy.

This joy am writing about , does it look like anything any human can give me.

My age status

There is something about ‘age’ that makes it a phenomenon of all times , it is a mystery that got people of all races ticking and uncomfortable , because it daily points them to the grave. This age happens to everyone and it’s certainly happening to me now, here and then I hear my bones creak refusing to do things , it never complained of years ago ,age is dropping so many changes on my doorsteps. Whenever it happens –I mean age- we are often faced with two choices ;either we accept the changes and wisely adjust to it or we become grizzly bears and complain endlessly about how unfair time has been to us.

As a female of a petite stature, I have often considered myself a ‘late bloomer’, a term used for people that find it rather difficult to start things in life , people that spend years dancing around the pot rather sitting down and eat from the pot.

Whenever I gist with friends and they ask me about my plans for the future , I am always quick to lecture them about this peculiar system , and I will go on and on about my late entry into adolescence, how I waited like Princess Fiona on the castle towers for my puberty , how I patiently waited for my first toaster as it did not come in High school as expected ,so I can have something to talk about when my teenage friends blab about theirs .I will sadly go down memory lane of how for five consecutive Valentine years , I was a spectator on the street called love and how I eagerly waited for the feet popping kiss.

Before you crucify me about the feet popping kiss, I have no apology that am a die hard romantic , I still believe in erratic heart beats , tingling toes , sinking tummies and of course earth stopping , mountain moving kisses between me and my man , that is a subject for another day.

This year I will be a year older , and am suddenly aware that am no longer that starry eyed teenager, I am now a responsible taxpaying young lady , and I must in every way rise up to the task dropped to my doorstep. My age this year is making me discover lots of things like suddenly realizing that ‘Love at first sight’ is a just a piece of shit I ingested from those dumb paperback romances I spent my teenage years reading . Surprising this year , the knowledge that no matter how much I bend for people , they can’t all like me is being corroborated . This 26th year of my existence , I am seriously assured that prayer works and for it be a habit , it must be done all the time even when I don’t feel like it and that in this world , there are lots of bad people and I can be one if I don’t hold on to the Only One (Jesus Christ) that can only fill my heart with so much love for Him and my fellow humans. This year , am discovering that age is slowly catching up on me and I must in every way become a God chaser , regardless of my ‘late bloomer’ status.

GOD-The One I will Fear

Since I started this year , I have been sure about one thing in my life , I have been confident that God is too faithful , He can’t fail no matter how late it feels to me. His love is so obvious that I know He can’t let go of me because I am His special girl, this year I have decided on one single thing ;to let go of all the issues that threaten my existence and fear God immensely.

‘Fear of God’, this is a  phrase , I certainly have an idea of  its meaning but sadly not the truth ; ‘Is it cowering behind the shelves whenever I hear His voice; Is it by  playing church every Sunday; Is it by acting nice to everyone I see and not speaking my mind; Is it by crying every time I am in His presence ‘’ , because these used to be what I felt ‘The fear of God is’’.

These days I have been having a change of heart by the Holy Spirit , the fear of God is loving  God wholeheartedly , it is by living every second for Him, it’s by knowing that ‘’from Him comes all good things’’ , it is by thinking about Him every second even before  I take any decision , it is by stopping being desperate.

This is the fear of God , this year I will be 26 years and these years have been full of good and bad times , and it is only worth living because of God. God is not just a religion I picked up from my parents , nor is He Someone I talk to whenever I feel like , He is my life , the reason why I live , the force behind my existence , He’s the only One that I talk to 24 hours a day and doesn’t get tired of listening to me.

He knows my form even before my parents dreamt of meeting , He proposed me as a female to be a wonderful helpmeet for that man that I have not yet met. He knows those nights when sleep take a walk from me , because of the thoughts that  weigh heavily on my heart ,He sees when tears wet my pillows out of sheer exhaustion and He comforts me with His words and sometimes I really feel His strong arms gently rocking me to sleep with His thoughts on my mind.

Year after year , He sees my failed attempts at love , and He sits with me when I use my tears to form a puddle when I didn’t have my way and gently reminds me that ‘True love still exist’ ,I just need to stay still and let Him to finish His work on me , whenever He tells me this , my head literally swells  with joy because I know if 
He says  it ,it is only a matter of time , it  shall come to pass.

In this 26th year of my existence , I sure have lots of dreams , lots of battles , lots of  habits to break away from , lots of places to go to , lots of things to do , but I choose to put them all on hold and fear God immensely because at the end of the day , He’s all that matters.

What I want in a man? part 2

Christmas this year was one ‘quick show’ for me, as I only got a day off from work to travel home to Ilesa, so I had to spend the other day (boxing day) at work which was very sad for me, people that heard that I was at work only confirmed their fears of me being a workaholic, lol.

One good thing that  came out from this ‘always at work’ issue is that I have finally learnt how to be stay  still in a place and think , hours of being glued in front of the  system has produced periods of meditation which I have not being able to achieve in the past years. With the meditation sessions comes along my new hobby: MUSIC, while streaming through songs last  Christmas , since I was stuck in the office , I heard a song from Toni Braxton.

Toni Braxton’s ‘Woman’ made sense to me as I gently swing my hips to the beats , ‘I am a woman who knows what she wants,,,,,’ and the question that keeps appearing in my mind is ‘ what exactly do I need in a man’ . This question scares me more than the rodents that invaded my room when I was in the University , because I really can’t answer , I know am supposed to know ,but I don’t because I can only have a list if I know myself. Since I wrote the first part of this piece , I have been going about with a small brown jotter in my bag , scribbling my thoughts every minute trying so hard to compile something for this piece am writing.

Now am writing , and without the small brown jotter because the list in it  doesn’t make sense to me , if I were to go by a list , then I would have had an answer to Buky when she asked me . If I were to have a list then it is not going to start at all with  a Man , it’s not going to  make it’s headlines’ MAN LIST’, because it is not about him this time , it is about having that long chat with God , so that I can really know who I am. My list is not starting with MAN-CAPABILITIES, it  is starting with me.

When Buky mentioned ‘list’  weeks ago , I was a little bit insincere because I had a list then , I had a list I have been judging men with  all these years , it’s a twisted one , but I have it anyway , it goes thus : God fearing , intelligent, handsome , smart, high sense of humour , easy to be with , and obviously taller than me , romantic, passionate , e.t.c , that was the list in my mind, I guessed I didn’t tell  Buky about it  because I knew right in my heart , that was not the list God wanted, though it looks kind of cool. My old list is self- centred , petty , it’s a list that asks too much from  a human . It should not be like that .

I am a woman , and I ovulate every month ,that is not a mistake , it is for a purpose , I am specifically created by God to bring comfort to everyone around me , bring love to people that seemingly  look as if they don’t need it , add wisdom to my beauty at all times , be the best wife any man can ask for , train up kids that will in future destroy the kingdom of hell , that is the list I should have, not going about having 101 things my man should have  .

If I fail to be all these , then I am certainly not in a position to have a list about a man at all , because if he were to be the best man that ever walked on  this earth , I will never be fit for him.In all this I pray to God to make  me a woman that will be a woman in deed because eventually the Bible saying ‘Deep calls  unto deep in the roar of your waterfall’ will come true between me and my man.

What I want in a man? part 1

As I put down my fingers on my laptop to begin to write this midnight  , all that I could hear is the voice of someone very familiar to me , the voice that  I have heard for twenty five years of my life , the voice of my mother chiding me to have always a to-do list , ‘’tolulope, always have a plan , and for heavens’ sake , be tidy ‘’ , she will  go ahead and rebuke me in her exasperated voice ‘’ how are you coping in this room , can’t  you just tidy it up and have a plan on how to keep it clean ‘’.

‘’Plan’’ , did I hear just remember that, this is a word that am not genetically oriented to like and then as a teenager I was always lost because to me ‘list’ sounds like a Latin word , my Dad love to use to intimidate his friends who are not smart enough to remember it from their Latin classes.  I can’t count the number of times I was forced to have this ‘list’  conversation with my mum, heaven knows that then I love to tidy up my room , but I just  can’t keep it clean because am always in a hurry to pick things up and never return to where I met it , so my room was always untidy.

As I grew up and started to mature into a young lady , people that I met attributed my lack of organisation to my temperament , they introduced me to Tim Lahaye and his bestselling book ‘Why You Act the Way You Do’, when I read this book, a feeling of exhilaration ran through my spine , as I couldn’t wait to tell my folks of why I can’t keep my room tidy and why I can’t just have a list. Trust my dad to always have a wise answer to every of my ‘’weird discovery’’ , he told me in Yoruba ‘’ tii idi baje , tii onidi ni o ma da’’ , meaning ‘’ if one’s life turns out to be bad , it’s the business of the owner , not anyone’’.

When I started working in corporate organisations , I discovered something called ‘STICK-ONS’, it’s a piece of paper that one can write on and stick it to the table  to remind us of what we need to do , and again, I failed with this new technology , not only do this stick-ons come in hard copy , they are there on my system waiting for me to write my list on it , so that I may have a better output. I tried to for days to write down my plans , aspirations , people to call, people to send texts to , books to read , time to wake up at night to pray , devoted time to study the Word e.t.c.

The truth is that I really tried in following this plan , I prayed to God to  give me the discipline to structure my life  after this list of mine , but I kept on  failing , however overtime I just gave up on the ‘List’ issue and began to live my life on impulse which is the wrongest thing anyone can do. Last afternoon , I was chatting with my senior friend ,Buky, and she mentioned ‘’ tolulope , you should have a list of what you want in a man, how you want him to look, his desires if they match yours, if I wanted to be a stay home mum , if I want to have plenty kids and so on’’.

Immediately Buky mentioned ‘list’ , I knew I was in trouble , because she was correct in telling me to have a list of what I want in man, and really I have never sat to compile a list about this most critical aspect of my life . She mentioned ‘List’ and I discovered how scattered and disillusioned have being on this ‘Love life’ of mine. I am 25 , and it is highly pathetic that  I don’t have a list , not even a make shift one , as she casually advised , I knew that I was obviously not ready for the aisle because in the list she tried putting up for me , I was lost.

After the chat , while working in the newsroom ,surrounded by quiet humming’s of the split air conditioners and the frequent promptings of the Chief Editor , I asked myself  this question ‘’WHAT DO I WANT IN A MAN?

Saying No to issues

Few years ago , thoughts of sleeping alone in a room could make  me convulse , the mere sight of darkness made me wet my pants several times , then I guess I was just possessed with the spirit called fear , and trust my daddy, he made sure He took a drastic step to stop this my unreasonable habit.

Over dinner in my house , my dad will  intentionally talk about  the metaphysical world, he will gist my mother about the ghosts of family friends that appeared to him or to someone else , he will go ahead and lecture us about the power we have as living beings and how to say No to fear , but that didn’t help me , it only compounded my problems. He said we should learn to read people and have minds of our own , he taught us to be independent and confident in whatever situation we found ourselves, he drummed in our ears ‘’ don’t be yes men , learn to say No when  you need to say it , and vice versa’’.

Sadly my daddy’s expectation were not birthed on me as I am a middle child and I have a terrible disease , which for years has been  sucking me dry; I have an APPROVAL ADDICTION SYDROME.I don’t need a doctor to explain the pathological history of my illness to me , I know the symptoms , am aware of its destructive effects , the first step to the healing is to admit of its existence,

So to everybody that knows me and really thinks am cool, nice, maybe too nice sometimes, am sorry to announce to you that I have a sickness that makes me try so hard to make people like me , I just care too much about what people think about me . I am a needy individual, the thoughts of being in the bad books of relatives and  friends grieve me  and  it has made me addicted to this habit of always saying ‘YES’ to everyone

As a middle child , I feel it’s my responsibility to work hard for love , as a child , I struggled a lot for recognition from people , but no matter how much I tried , I am just the ‘ insignificant ugly duckling of the family’ then  all I used to hear from insensitive people were  ‘’ how come you are part of the Odeyemi’s , you are not even as brilliant as them , others are so pretty  and you are such a tomboy’’. As I grew with these words , something in me kept  telling me that I need to prove a point to people , a niggling thought kept on whispering to  me to work hard for people’s love , the more I try , the more frustrated and disillusioned I become . So for over a decade of my life, I have been a hard worker in the department of love   , I feel always unworthy to accept love that is given without strings, something in me screams that I should be nice to everyone so they can love me, my philosophy for over 23 years is to ‘’ always bring something to the table ‘’

This sickness had spilled into everything I have , at work , I can’t stop smiling to people , because I need to create an impression that I am that ‘ cute , smiley girl ‘which I know am not , am not bad either . In church ,  I am not really into the smiling thing ,but  come to see me on a Sunday morning ,  you are sure to see a peacock all fluttered with array of colours , I dress to always make a statement that  ‘’I am tush now , so  I  am qualified to be  your friend’’.

At home , I am that perfect homebody that respects everybody even the pets , I stuff my emotions in , so that folks will not know  the real me , I have heard comments like ‘’ tolulope doesn’t get angry , she is so calm ‘’ and I used to wonder about the truth of this statement  , because it’s just a blatant lie , I get angry , seriously hurt , I just don’t know how to show it . Because of my supposedly calm nature , I became a foot mat to people, because they usually feel they can get away with anything from me.

In my relationship, which is the funniest thing , I don’t like guys who are falling head over heels in love with me , because they look kind of cheap , I mean too accessible to me , I love to go to places where I have to work hard for love , so severally , I have found myself in bad situations where I need to literally chase a guy, my sickness has prevented from accepting love from people that love me for who I am.

With God, it’s more complex , because most times , I just it  find so hard to believe  that God will love me , the Scriptures sometimes look too simple and easy , I read about Jesus ‘s sacrifice , my favourite in the scriptures is Isaiah , which  eulogises God’s love and redemption for mankind , in all of this , I still struggle to believe , doubts plague my mind about how God is too holy to associate with someone like  me.

But there is no one like my God , He is patient with me , He knows my frame , He understands my weaknesses , whenever I break down and cry to Him to help me , He always remembers that He has dealt with ladies like me before , He closes His eyes , and He sees  RAHAB, BATHSEBA ,MARY MAGADLENE and He smiles because I am just one of His special girls . As He holds me in His hands , He keeps telling me that He’s not through with me , that I were to be  the only person that needed salvation , He will still  had come . This season I am not thinking about the weave on I need to fix, or the shows I need to go to  , or  the young man that I really need him to call me , am thinking and am praying frantically to God to teach me to accept His love and make me  say No to all the issues in my life.

I need to hold my head high in His presence and be the woman He wants me to be.

Walking the ok road

Months ago in my home, my 2 and half years old niece added few sentences to her grammatical kitty. How a child grows from that tiny little babe to a toddler that babbles and experiments with various words is still a mystery to me , sometimes I can’t just understand these growth processes in them ,because it occurs so fast , that if one is not so  careful , one will lose out on those awesome moments of their childhood.

Back to my niece’s new sentences , months  ago as I was doing the dishes at night , she quietly sneaked up behind me and held my legs and she said ‘ ‘aunty tolu , what’s you doing?’ ‘ in her clearly foreign accent . I turned to her and laughed with joy , because that was the first time she will ask a question in a direct English way ,  she asked again ” aunty tolu , what’s you doing?’ ‘, this time with a little agitation and curiosity. I replied ”am washing plates ”  and she further asked ”why”, and I replied ”because they are dirty’ ‘and she went further and asked ”why are they dirty?”.

After the launching of these new sentences by my niece, she has never stopped in bombarding me and others in the house with these words. Ranging from calls to taking of bath to watching of programmes, she kept asking ‘what’s you doing?’ One day, as I was dressing up straight from the bathroom, she followed me and asked in her tiny voice ‘aunty tolu, what’s you doing? It suddenly hit me of my relationship with God, this revelation left me laughing and highly vulnerable.

Over the years I have had many situations in which I have questioned God , grievous situations I have deeply called on Him and asked him childishly ‘ what He’s  doing?’ , ‘why  is He taking so long to answer me? ‘, ‘where is He when I fell into a particular sin?’, and how is that I am the only one going through a specific life sapping  situation, when will He come and destroy my enemies? .

Like my niece , I don’t usually wait for His answers , am always  so wrapped up in the pains and the questions  that I don’t know when He answers but one thing I have come to realise is this; He always answers every of my prayers but His answers might not be what am expecting , so like a fool , I go ahead and ask Him the same questions ,He has already answered.

Just last week, my sister told me that Seyitan (my niece) has gone from ‘the why stage’ to the ‘okay stage’, I asked how, my sister said Seyitan no longer asks for reasons why things are the way they are , not that she is not inquisitive again but once she asks the first time and she is given an answer , she replies with’ okay’ and let go of the subject matter , trusting completely the informant of the answer.

Deciding to be like Seyitan (my niece), I have thought in my heart   to employ the ‘okay method’ in my relationship with God,  I still love asking questions and God knows there are a lot of them to ask, but the difference will be this; I will ask each question once and waits patiently for His answer, as soon as He does, I will go ahead and say ‘Okay Lord’ and trust Him completely .

After all He’s the Elshaddi , the Creator of the all world ,and more than ever I am so confident in His Love for me , so am seriously waiting for His  next answer so I can boldly tell Him ‘OKAY LORD’.

Much ado about underwears

As ridiculous as this  sound , many women in Nigeria doesn’t just understand what it means to be clean ‘inside out’, it just elude them , most are perplexed on how they should go about their ‘unmentionable’s business’ . They seem to know the right cloth to wear, the right accessories to adorn, but excuse me  , they are just plainly clueless when it comes to their undergarments  (pants and bra).

To anybody that has a budding relationship with English Language, you’ve probably have  heard of this phrase ‘don’t ever be caught pants down’ , whoever came up with this phrase had in mind ‘Nigerian women ‘ . Day after day  the western world creeps fastly into our system, it has taken over almost everything , ranging from clothes to shoes to bags to watches , even our hair has been gladly  replaced by the Brazilian , Indians of this world, now it is so  normal for a layman to  rattle the names of ‘JIMMY CHOO’, ‘ESTEE LAUDER ‘, XOXO’ , e.t.c  in the fashion world , but sadly enough one thing that has refused to be learnt and glued in our minds is our underwears . We simply don’t care about these most intimate garments that lie everyday next to our skins. What I see on most ladies are not pants nor bras , they are simply ‘rags’ to cover our p****c areas.

One funny thing about  the season am in now as a young lady is that I get to be naked often , when I say often , I mean regularly , and I get to see a lot of naked bodies  too , though not between the sheets but during the usual  wedding ceremonies , when we friends of the bride get to sleep in the same room. The morning after the engagement party is one show I perversely  look forward  to because there , we the fashionistas  will get to judge the best looking bra , the slinkiest  pants , the sexiest thong and woe betide whoever is found with the torn ones. The only one always excluded from this judgement is the bride because she will have wisely thrown to the bin ‘the scary undergarments’ in readiness to meet her groom.

Gone are the days when the sins of wearing torn, dirty undies are easily forgiven by husbands, but times are changing , it has become an offence not restricted to the hubby’s jurisdiction  , but to the general public.  It is embarrassing enough to have, what we call ‘unmentionables ‘sneak a peep’ outside here and there from ladies’ clothes, but it is shameful and unforgivable for the underwears  to be dirty or torn.

Bus rides in Lagos  make me squeamish  and uncomfortable  , not because of the unruly ,eccentric behaviour of the drivers and conductors , because I am kind of used to that , but it is always nauseating   to be subjected to the unholy ,pornographic display of pants and bra . Many times , I have to close my eyes and take a journey into the spirit , so as not to throw up at the sight of these irritating pieces called undergarments .

Before you go ahead to cast me as a self righteous soul , I know it’s  extremely hard being a woman in this age especially in Nigeria  , but no one is asking you to do  designers’ with these undergarments .It’s certainly no one business if you buy pants from ‘Victoria Secret’ or bras  from ‘La zenza’, just be like me and buy regularly from that woman that sells at dozen prize in Balogun market.

p.s: this piece was originally published in NEXT ON SUNDAY on November 15,2010.this is my unabridged copy.

Baby Girl, learn the seasons

How I just love this particular verse in the Scriptures that says ‘’ To everything there is a season and time to every purpose under the heaven’’ . I have to confess that I have been acquainted with this verse since my childhood days at CAC ,Oke Alafia in Ilesha , at every quiz event in my church , I had opportunities to recite this verse but I never did knew  its meaning or how it will come to affect my life as a young woman.

As a growing young girl from the countryside ,I had so many first events that I cannot forget in a hurry , the first time was when I was taken to the nursery school, that day was memorable as I was the only girl who didn’t know how to stop crying when my dad left me . Another first event in my life was when I experienced the tingling sensation in my belly and erratic beating of my heart when my brother’s male friend looked straight at me , then I was just 9 , that was my first crush . Another first in my life was when I discovered I had the ability to bleed every month; it was such an embarrassing event because it caught me in school. Since then I have become so acquainted to series of ‘first events’, that I don’t exactly know what  midlife or end of life meant.

Fuelled with my desire to be the best in everything, I give no allowances for mistakes ,night after night   on my bed , I muse over my mapped out life , I had it all written down upon the tablet of my heart .Then if I were to be woken up from sleep to recite my life , I will have given it like this : Finish secondary school with A’s in all papers, get admitted into OAU to study Law , fall in love with the tall dark and handsome dude in Medicine , graduate with 1st Class , get married immediately after Law School ,honeymoon in the Caribbean’s , get pregnant on the wedding night , live happily ever after. Those were my dreams and desires, in all of this I neglected the One who owns the ends of the earth, I shunned His advice about times and seasons .

So in due time, the Owner of the life started showing me what time and seasons meant, He first started with my dreams of being a lawyer. Firstly, I missed admission into OAU, number 1 dream shattered; I courageously opted for the 2nd option: UNAD. I could still remember how excited I was when I was admitted into the University as a Law student , I had stars in my eyes then because being a lawyer was everything to me , I idolised this profession , thoughts of sending people to jail then rushes adrenalin into my body , but the Owner had a different idea . After two days in the Law class, I was graciously excused out of Law forever by the Vice Chancellor himself. Hence I started my journey as a literary person in English , for me to succeed here I needed to wipe off my lawyer dreams , I needed to step into the ‘Elizabethan , Soyinkan and Victorian age .

Not too long from this event , I met a young man whom I fell in love with at first sight , I could still remember those heartbeats that threatened to betray me whenever this young man comes near , this time I felt and thought these tingles, heartbeats were forever , how I loved this young man , if it were possible for a young black girl to blush , I guess I will have been given the best blusher of the year because I couldn’t just stop being attracted to this guy with the most penetrating gaze ever .

Again the Owner stepped in and clearly told me that there is a time to love and a time to hate , when I heard it didn’t make any sense as I searched for reasons why I will come to hate this my Prince Charming , even if he turned out to be a jerk , which eventually happened , I will still love him , I reasoned within myself. Sooner or later, my Prince Charming turned sadly into a frog, not just a quiet, nice frog, but a nauseating ugly frog and I had no choice than to turn away from his arms .

Seasons , seasons was all I heard whenever I took time out to tearfully pour out my heart to God , at a time I told Him to please never to bring those bad seasons again , I pleaded with Him never to allow me go through the valleys again because it is so scary and painful . He told me He allowed me to go through the pain of being rejected at Law Class because He wanted me to know that it is not a profession that makes a man but His favour.
I reluctantly agreed to this because my obsessive love with Law had disappeared but again I argued with Him about my relationship that hit the rock , when He heard this , He laughed and quietly told me ‘Woe to them that put their trust in man’. When He said this, I became ashamed of myself as I vividly remember how I idolised my ex, how my whole life revolved around him , there on my knees I begged God to let me know more about this Season’s stuff.

I had to be pierced

Months ago I went to get myself pierced, I have always had this desire to get a second ear hole , how I just love the idea of having two small earrings adorn each of   my cute ears , but I have been held back by a lot of reasons .Firstly by my parents , my dad made it very known to us(girls)in his home  when we were growing up about his aversion for jewellery of whosoever kind . My loving daddy is an adherent believer of natural beauty, he often questioned us (my sisters and I} about our unwavering love for things of this world, in his words ‘tolulope, can’t you just do without all these nonsense you put on your body, don’t you know you are more beautiful without all these eye pencils, big earrings , lip-gloss that looks like palm oil on your lips’.

Even though I have always had this innate desire to wear two earrings on each ear , I dare not try it under my father’s roof , I watch with envy other girls whose parents were lenient in this aspect . Years has various ways of softening people and obviously my daddy is not left out of this theory , he has tremendously become flexible when it comes to understanding his female children and their fashion needs , so in my home now , it’s no longer a crime to wear trousers , to have 16 inches hair  on , to pierce the second ear hole , to enjoy the flawless beauty MAC, SLEEK and MARK KAY offers.

So months ago , having thought about it over and over  , I went straight to the saloon to get a new and second ear holes . When I got there , there was a lot of excitement in me , a picture of how I will look was stuck in my mind , I could literally see it with my naked eyes. Amidst all these excitement I clearly forgot something , something that is unavoidably compulsory before I could be a proud owner of new  ear holes , I forgot the pain that comes with it , the lady that was to help me prepared me saying ‘ aunty , it’s so painful , will you be able to bear it , I just got myself pierced too and it has really been painful’.

When she said this, a fear arose within me, I momentarily thought of abandoning the whole idea of piercing, but what stopped the thought was the pleasure of belonging to the clique of ‘two ear hole holders’, what made me to be prepared , was the joy I will have after the pain , the sheer joy of having those two ear rings on each of my cute ears kept me in that chair .

So even though I was really scared of the pain to come, I knew it will be worth it , lo and behold, she started the piercing and all I could remember was my yelling. The pain of the earring pulling through my skin brought tears to my eyes , I started screaming for her to stop , she told me  to sit still for it will soon be over , the more she said this the more pain grew worse . Through this pain , I suddenly realized another dimension of Jesus’ love for me , I clearly saw Him on that tree as He put His life down  for the glory that will be revealed in the generations to come. Don’t you ever think that it was a pleasurable thing for Jesus to be pierced in all parts of His body as He laid down His Life for humanity? What I experienced in the saloon as I pierce my ears is nothing compared to the pain Jesus bore for us on the cross.

God’s love is unexplainable and incomprehensible, His love for me is so deep that to an intellectual, it looks foolish. He gave His only begotten Son for  us , not only was Jesus homeless when He was on earth , He was killed for the sins of the world.

Jesus went all through the pain , humbly submitted Himself to derision , to spite and of course to all the piercings in His hands , feet and to His head , can you imagine that pain , accompanied with these was the grievous burden of the world’s sin . Will it not be wise of us to live worthy of His calling and do away with those sins that won’t let us go.

Faith rocks

For weeks now or maybe months , I have been going through what writers call ‘ Writer’s block’ , an imaginary barricade that stands between a writer and his ‘Muse’ . For me as a writer , this period of not being able to write takes hours , sometimes days but this time it took months and whatever block is standing in my way pose a serious threat to my ability as a writer.

 Have you ever heard of  ‘Utopia’ , this is a world of perfection , a world where things are fair and just , a world  where good things happen to good people , where wickedness does not exist , a world where  brave knights  go to any length to rescue their damsels , Utopia is this  world I escape to as a writer . This world for me is where I don’t get scared , where shadows don’t hang in the closet waiting to pounce when the lights go off , so to be locked out of this world , is to be denied of the perfection I desperately seek  , is to be left naked in the rain , is to be denied of everything that makes sense to me.

  Following the long delay by this ‘block’ , I packed my stuff and headed west , hoping to find peace , hoping to connect somehow to my muse , so home I went . Getting there sure did  not shift me back to my Utopia , it only brought my fear to fore , fear of being permanently locked out of this world , fear of being alone in this world of reality . The pain that this fear brings cripples almost everything around me , this pain blurs even the brightest day .

Early on Wednesday morning , as I sat on the wood near the flowers in my house , my attention drifted to a flower , I nicknamed ‘ Morning Flower’ , it has started to wilt , it’s usual vibrance is sadly absent , suddenly I thought in my heart that it does not matter whether ‘Morning flower ‘ blooms or wilt , it will always be ‘Morning flower’ to everyone that sees it. The wilting process is painful  , but it is compulsory for its growth , in this same light I suddenly saw myself , I may not be able to write now ,or for months , that does not make me  a non –writer because writing is who I am , it is what gives me joy , it is  how I  reach my world .

With this insight , I was frankly made to realise that it wasn’t my writing ability that was threatened , neither is it my world of perfection , what came under siege  was my faith. My faith took the first blow from insecurity and fear , it only took time for the rest of me to follow , of  things to lose in the world  , faith should be wisely excluded at all times.

 As a young Christian , I feel rather inadequate to talk or write about faith , but what I see as  faith is believing that no matter what happens to me , I will always be able to pick a pencil and write, maybe  I will even scribble some notes down when I meet my Creator at the Gate , faith to me is knowing that God is always with me even when I don’t feel His presence . Faith to me is knowing that no matter how deep I have gone in the issues of life , I will always be able to come out because I have a God that specialises in helping confused people , faith to me is believing that I will always be that warm , tender hearted , passionate woman I see in my dreams every night, to me that is faith.

My God must laugh this day

While watching a film this week , I heard  a new saying that goes thus  ‘‘ if you  want to make God laugh , tell Him all your plans’ , to a great  extent , I agree with this but I guess I have not been doing that lately , I have been so involved in the trinity of SELF; me, I and mine .

 I am a young Christian , and I love God but there is still  a part of me that finds it  so hard to relinquish all my cares at His feet,  a part of me that is fiercely independent , a small part that sees trust & faith  as mountains  too high to climb . As I watch this film , I realise it must have been a long time that I made God laugh , you know that deep throated laugh that comes  straight from one’s belly , I can’t help but be sad about my selfishness .

 I claim to love God , I go about each day telling everyone that care to listen about my faith in Him , I tell friends , family about how  close I have gotten with my Creator , people around me envy my relationship with Him , they kept on saying ‘ tolulope, you are so spiritual ‘ ,’ I like you because you are a serious Christian’ ,’ ‘ you have the fire in you , keep it on ‘.

 These talks are good and humbling  but the real issue still stands ; I have not been making God laugh , I have not been telling Him about all my plans , I have been trying to be too strong for Him , I have been acting like His elder sister , shielding Him away from my  many issues,  I have not been allowing Him to heal my wounds , I have not been letting Him see that I really need Him.

God is my father, and He sure loves me and wants me to rely solely on Him , though He’s All seeing and All knowing , He still operates by this idiom   ‘ Hearing from the horse’s mouth’. He wants me to tell Him about those moments when I get scared about life , those times when I get confused and stuck in desperate situations  , He wants me to openly confess those hidden sins and allow Him to deal with it.

How glorious will it be to hear God’s laugh, it’s going to be the earth moving , mountain shaking one , to hear this laugh , I guess I have to abandon those crazy independent streaks in me  and stop acting like ‘I –TOO-KNOW’ and let him love me just as He wanted.

Spirit Lessons

As humans, there are things we will never understand in this present world except we are connected to the life source which is God , as mere mortals there are particular issues that will continue to be mysteries except we look for wisdom from the wisdom Himself(Jesus).

As a young lady , many times I question my existence because I can’t help the feeling of wanting to know why , how and what I am created for , have you ever wondered about this or am I alone in this search for meaning for my life . At every stage of my life , I come to find out that I have to deal with one issue , each bigger than the former , and in each of this issue , I have found myself stressed out because these answers to these issues just elude me all the time.


I Need the Good Guy, I Don’t Know about You.

By Tolulope on Friday, July 9, 2010 at 7:15am
Since I discovered the miracle of internet surfing , I have never for once taken it for granted , I eagerly embrace all it has to offer , morning after morning , I voraciously lap on information from various sites , ranging from political to academic to inspirational. This appetite of mine has for months now been feeding heavily on inspirational sites , I have gone to hundreds of these sites ,looking for ways to be better , and I must confess it has really being of tremendous help to me .
One of the site is ‘’ , this site has lots of resources for girls who are willing to become wise and abandon the wild ways , maybe it’s the name that attracted me or the layout , whichever did , am eternally grateful to . In one of the articles posted there was ‘Why do good girls love bad guys? This is a big question I myself have running from for a long time , because it so much scares me and reveal to me an amount of evil that reside in me and puts to shame my ‘goodness’. This is a question , I myself I have not been able to answer and since I have once been a victim of this malfunction , am so eager to discuss it with other girls .

Be damned , Oh my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 by Tolu on Monday, November 8, 2010 at 10:05am
Whoever came up with this proverb  saying ‘Follow your heart ‘ should be accused of mass misleading , the person if dead , should be exhumed and resurrected to face his charges and be given 1000  lashes or maybe sentenced to death the second time by lethal injection.

For over 2 decades I have been a strict adherent of this saying , I don’t know how it  got to be , I guess it must through all the M & B , Harlequins of this world , all I knew was  by the time I was 8 years old , this saying had firmly became a principle I lived my life by. This saying made me BFF(best friend forever) with my heart , I trusted my heart wholeheartedly , I couldn’t do anything without first consulting with it , my heart directed me to wherever it wishes , it had total control of my life .


My Church Business

Church to me means different things so whenever I listen to people and why they go to church , I usually feel lost . I hear things like ‘ I have been a Christian all my life , my dad is the founding pastor of our church , I met my husband in the church , I saw my first period in the church  ‘ and so on , to me it’s just different.

For a long time in life, in fact throughout my adolescence , my opinion about church was greatly twisted and warped , to me then church just represents a place , my parents force me to  go every Sunday , I hated to be forced but my folks gave no room for opinions ,so church I go to every Sunday. I remembered how I was coerced to join the quiz society , memorise hundreds of scriptures just for the sake of outbidding others at the next quiz event  . My cousin and I will sit at the back pew and bring out the M&B paperbacks we’ve brought from home and put it underneath the Bible , and read away as the pastor preaches for hours.

During that time , Bible was just like my General Mathematics textbook, that I avoid like a plague , most times I even forget my Bible in the church , some times that it followed me home , it normally takes residence on the dining table where oil, water and food particles lay a feast on its cover. Then ,I knew how to offhandedly rant Psalms and Proverbs , my Sunday school mates were always envious of my brilliance in the Word , I knew how many chapters were in the Old Testament , Ezekiel’s prophesy was a song on my lips whenever I stand up at  church events.


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