Sorry, I am broke

It been quite long that I wrote anything personal, for months I have mentally shut down because I couldn’t just write again because anytime I tried to, I feel like a fraud and someone that deserve to be spanked for deceiving people.

When I entered this year, I mentally had my head in the clouds, not exactly thinking and praying about the challenges the New Year will come with. I thought in my heart that my few minutes of prayer will magically wade off evil and trials; I argued with God that my good works were enough to get me through, how wrong can I be. Before I go on to rattle about my challenges, I need to praise God for His new  mercies everyday though many times I don’t deserve it.

In this year 2011, God has many times turned to me and did me good, He has crowned my head with a good and  godly man that loves me to pieces , hmmm, he is a good man , I have to write that again . God has and is using him to teach me the definition of love, I have lots of drama, you just have to stay in the house with me for a day to discover this, but my knight in shining armor manages to keep up with me. I thank God for this blessing every morning, and I do not in any way take it for granted.

Now to my failures and dramas. This year brought with it a drought, a financial one that has tried my patience, courage and faith. I work in a good place, at least that is what everybody says, but friends I am broke, flat broke because I refuse to get shock absorbers before I got on this journey called 2011.

As at last year, I was pretty content with waiting for my salary at the end of the month and building my life around the comfort of the few thousands of naira that hit my salary account. I had a diary I keep to document my finances and list the kind of clothes, shoes, accessories I needed to buy every month. I do this every month like a ritual, on that list, the only thing that looks like God is my tithe, I obviously did not care about my friend that is out of job and needed my few thousands just to get through the day.

I was selfish, always looking out for my own, clothes became an obsession for me; a month won’t pass me buying one latest designer that just hit Lagos stores. What I didn’t know was that I was digging my financial brokenness; I thought I was being fashion conscious; I defended my lack of compassion to being smart.

One cannot deceive God, not even the smartest person on earth, because He just doesn’t deal with appearances, God judges the heart and will reward each accordingly.

I thought working in a blue chip company will in a way secure my finances, it didn’t and it will never. This year, I have been humbled and brought down from the high tower of self-importance, I have learnt to cope with little and turning my hungry eyes from the designer clothed mannequins.

Though I am still fashion conscious, I have  learnt to stop taking things on credit because it is ruining me and eating away my future and moreover the clothes I wear are not what who I am really. Even though it is good to dress up and be the fine girl, clothes doesn’t hide my nakedness from God, He sees all and judges.

This evening I ask for mercy and grace to just live my life according to His counsel and stop being willful as I always want to be.

29 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. funmi
    Jul 05, 2011 @ 17:55:11

    very funny , this is so real and i can identify , God bless you girlfriend


  2. omojola
    Jul 05, 2011 @ 18:07:01

    This is just the begining…waiting to see how this will end….hang in there.


  3. LD
    Jul 05, 2011 @ 18:09:49

    Tolu, I’m truly glad that you are sharing this and that you are learning from it. You’re so blessed already with your good job and a good man….not to forget your health which has given you an opportunity to share this post. That said, a lot of women need to read this and remember that bliblical truth that a man’s life does not consist in the things he possesses. Living life to accumulate and accumulate at the detriment of our peace and happiness is just not worth it. The key is to remain content with what God has given us. I can personally live on a few hundreds, I just have to remember to cut my coat according to size. I don’t have to have everything…what is most important is my health, the health of my family, shelter over my head and durable clothes to wear. With this, I am okay. Most times the things we say we can’t do without…you know, the things that get us in trouble are often times not even necessary. I admit that their voices are louder, but as children of God we have to discipline ourselves to saying NO. To tell ourselves that our lives are more important than ‘the things.”


  4. laolu
    Jul 05, 2011 @ 18:14:21

    ..thats just the way it is..thanks dear..God help us all.


  5. Moyo
    Jul 06, 2011 @ 05:35:55

    Thank God for His grace and mercies…they’ll kick in as you posture yourself in humility towards God. You’re on the right track, keep your eye on the mark and remember that there’s a glorious destiny ahead of you, God is the one who ochestrates all good things (see Eph.1:11 and Rom. 8:28-29)


  6. lovely me
    Jul 06, 2011 @ 08:06:13

    May God help us to reflect and be who He truly wants us to be at all time. I thank God for his grace , love and mercy over you, tolu. His grace will always be sufficient for you and may he grant you/ us the grace to do His will and wish for us at all time. God bless you my sis.

    This is really thought provoking, it s time we looked beyond “us” and think of ways to make God and other people around us happy., God help us.

    God bless you again. 🙂


  7. Taofeeq
    Jul 08, 2011 @ 13:25:37

    A true lesson on reality and deception. Thanks for sharing this piece.


  8. DarLyn
    Jul 08, 2011 @ 13:28:58

    Thanks for sharing this. But I think you are not broke. You’ve got the best things – God, your health, the knight in shining armor, a job, a teachable spirit (and a lot of other things I haven’t mentioned). These are things money cannot buy.
    You just needed to adjust your spending, and you’ve come to that conclusion too.

    We are stewards of God, so whatever is given to us we need to remember to be good stewards. If the stewardship of little is well managed then you can be trusted with more. God gives us financial riches not really for our needs (He provides our needs anyway) but because He knows he can touch the lives around through us.


    • Tolu
      Jul 10, 2011 @ 13:24:46

      Darlyn, I love what you said, “But I think you are not broke. You’ve got the best things – God, your health, the knight in shining armor, a job, a teachable spirit (and a lot of other things I haven’t mentioned).”.
      Thank you for reminding me, God bless you so much, looking forward to hear from u again


  9. Sheyii
    Jul 09, 2011 @ 16:44:20

    This is a good piece.I agree with you on all sides.We are to be a blessing to those around us. God bless you.


  10. RWoWA
    Jul 25, 2011 @ 11:50:30

    A very honest post. Thank you for sharing.


  11. Justdoyin
    Jul 28, 2011 @ 19:32:31

    Amen…I’m glad u r on the right path now…enjoy your new found surplus. And take good care of your Knight…God be with you two.


  12. temiville
    Jul 29, 2011 @ 11:48:55

    Tolu, wow! I’m totally moved by your post. Wow! Thank God for strength He has given you. You know my email please send me an email as soon as you can. We should def meet up…

    PS: Don’t be too hard on yourself

    Temi, your stalker blog friend


  13. Oriyomi
    Aug 26, 2011 @ 12:02:02

    Please give us another post!!!! Its been too long 😦


  14. Eno
    Sep 13, 2011 @ 04:21:27

    You are wealthy!

    A sermon by Bishop Tudor Bismark called the “I AM Factor” really changed how I speak about my circumstances. You can listen to it online here:

    Take care!


  15. Chigagairwa
    Oct 05, 2011 @ 14:34:41

    Was laughing as I read this. Even when broke God is still God, He remains on the thrown yeah. ki ki ki. Request me on fb – Tino Hondo. The Cyrus Woman has come out of the closet!


  16. Eva
    Nov 07, 2011 @ 09:02:34

    It happened to me and girl I learnt my lesson. There are things that just cant go away. one just has to take responsibility


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