Friends, Am Back


Hello everyone, I am so glad to be back from the long-intended break I have put myself on for several months. Over the  time that I went AWOL, I have received many texts and e-mails of friends urging me to come back to blogging, I have received phone calls of people asking me what the problem was, and why I decided to shut down. I am grateful for your prayers and support over the time when I practically lost strength and faith in everything I believed in.

This morning as I ride in the bus taking me to work, I decided to chat with my friend (Ff), this chat of ours demonstrated to me how easy it was to go away from the right track and just do  things anyhow. Since I started my break, I have blamed everyone around for my condition , even God, I totally rebelled against Him and told Him through my actions that I don’t need Him anymore in my life.

Friends, one thing I have discovered over my isolated period is that it is so easy to always point blaming fingers to everyone for what is happening in our lives and ignore the fact that  we are 100%  responsible for it. This year has been a challenging one for me, no doubt, but it has also been a year I have to grow up most, it is a year where my rose-colored glasses is broken and I am made to see life from the real side.

The truth is, at every stage, life will happen to us and we will be highly vulnerable to stuff that we hate most, we will be disappointed over events and  at people that we trust most , we will be rejected by loved ones. People will promise us and they will fail because God wants it like that, He doesn’t want people to share His glory.

This year, my faith has shaken,  revealing to me my lack of depth in God’s business, I have crumbled because my foundation was not strong enough. Friends, over this period, I have known great mercy from God, I have known His tender love that will never leave me even in storms that will always come around.

I have learnt that in every challenge and trial that comes my way, it is not ME that matters but God. Shouting, crying and being depressed won’t ever solve the problem, it is praising God and telling Him that will do justice.

Friends, am back, but I can’t promise you that I will be blogging regularly or that I will always have it together, what I promise you is that God’s love will be always be there for me to hold on to. People are dying every second, natural disasters roar with anger, terrorism seems the order of the day and my first reaction is fear, but I choose not to fear but  always speak God into every situation.

Friends, am happy to back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I know it has been long


I know it has been long since I put my pen down on the paper

I know it has been quite a while since I saw Your face in my dreams

But Your thoughts never depart for once in my heart

I have not for once forgotten Your thoughtful whispers in the night

Your frequent  callings wake me up in the night

My hearts beat ,wanting to know

Where You call from

It has been long since I listened to You

That alone breaks Your heart

I hang around Your window

Cos of fear, I can not enter

Then I heard ,Oh I smelt Your breath

Against my nostrils, urging to come home

It has been long, I silently tell You

Home is where you belong

You said

My speck is bigger than yours


For few weeks now, I have been enjoying the media attention , I have been praised by my colleagues about my guts to write on sensitive issues , my wonderful friends have made it a habit of encouraging me which I deeply appreciate, my yahoo inbox, facebook and twitter have been jammed with messages spurring me on in the goodwork. Even though I have over times promised God never to be puffed up or self-reliant , the same things  I have been writing about, have revengefully turned around to haunt my soul, seriously threatening to destroy my testimony.

How easy it is to point the accusing finger, how pampering it can be for the soul to put down another fellow who fell into sin and self- righteously say ‘’’I can not believe, she is this promiscuous , does she have self-control at all’’ or go ahead to reveal another man’s secret ‘’my friend , did you hear that sister mercy put to bed six months after her wedding’’.

I have been guilty of this shameful behaviour, I have over times hanged out with friends and accuse people of their sins , I have been in forefront of debates of how people can be so weak in the face of sins. I have wondered within myself  why some people kept on eating their own vomit , my self- righteousness has subdued my compassion , always quick to put down and not extend a hand of mercy just God does for me every second of my life. I have like a hangman sentenced lots of people to the gallows just like Hamman with my tongue , what I don’t know is that for every pit dug by a Hamman , he ends up inside.

Before I really digress , I must write that the devil is not only after the unbelievers , he is after everyone Jesus died for , He wants as much as possible to get everyone in hell, so he is crazily haunting us with sins or let me write our weaknesses.

I have it a hard time to sit down and write about this , because I felt it is too spiritual and my readers might find it boring , I have wrestled with the Spirit , begging Him to make Him conceal my sins , but I can’t again , for without writing this , I might not be able to write again . Where you are sitting and reading this , you are probably thinking that ‘’ what possibly can be Tolu’s weaknesses , she is smart , cute and spiritual’’, you are correct in those observations but only superficially correct because to every human you see , there is always a depth that no one can successfully dissect except the Creator. Human beings are not just what we see , we are complex spiritual beings trying to live on the flesh, never possible though.

These days , temptations have constantly lodged at my doorstep like a lion waiting  for its prey, I have been down, I have over the weeks doubted my own faith in God , I have cried endlessly not because I have no food on my table nor clothes on my back , nor money in my account , nor love in my life but because my grip of the Word is slipping fast , because my mind is now a vagabond roaming aimlessly , sins of diverse manner is becoming enticing to me.

Friends , I am not ashamed to ask you all to take a pause from whatever you are doing and please ask for strength for my mind , I need to be able to accept my Daddy’s love with no shame , I need to decrease so that God will forever increase , for this friends ,please pray.


Life after the miracle


It is not everyday a dead man wakes up from the grave or morgue , it is not an occasional thing for a cancer patient to be healed , it is not something common for a childless woman to miss her monthly period and carry her miracle baby. It is very rare these days to see a decade long habit break in few minutes or a hardened reprobate change in a single encounter with God. But no matter how rare these miracles are , they happen and of course to human beings , miracles from God are like rain that have been held up in the sky and suddenly let down on a  dry infertile desert , they are refreshing relief to our desperate souls.

I have been through circumstances that seemly look impossible , situations like giants that won’t just budge , habits that were so part of me that most times it looked normal to my life but in all of this , I have seen God’s hands move upon me , I have been sought out by God and miraculously saved by His grace. In weeks , I have discovered how much God can change a person , how much history  He can rewrite , how much of a destiny He can change.

After the thirst in the desert , after the scorching sun in the wilderness of the problems , suddenly the miracles come , the habit is broken , the child is born , the job is secured , the husband walks in through the door totally repentant, the wayward child becomes an instrument of God ,the  cancer suddenly becomes benign , fibroids turn to fetuses  and we  become carriers of miracles, then what happens?

This is what I have found myself in these days , I have the miracles  and suddenly pride is showing up on my doorsteps , giving me an attitude against God, am scared , so scared because I can’t sustain these miracles  without the One that  gave me the miracles in the first place. As ridiculous as it may sound , I am finding so easy to stay back in bed at 5.00 a.m instead of jumping out to praise and pray to God , the idea of watching the soap operas is becoming an option to my daily Bible study , my mind is slipping at the edge of ‘I can do it all alone’.

As I write this piece , Holy Spirit whispered into my soul to be sober and watchful for my enemy stands real close to my miracles , wanting to turn it into snares not the blessings God intended it to be . This is my prayer this morning .

Prayer: God , You know am nothing without You , am just a lump of clay without Your breath , help me to walk in You , and live in You. I surrender my life , my job , my relationships , my family ,my money , everything to You. I receive a meek heart that thirsts for You everyday.Pride has no hold on me for I am Your workmanship, help me to see my miracles as anchors in You that will forever tie me to You, let my life after the miracles be surely better than the life before the miracles in You, God.

I quit the slums (part 2)


After writing the 1st part and posting , I honestly did not know where the second part will come from ,I had no clue about what to write ,because all I was feeling when writing the 1st part was quiet desperation on how to get out of the slums and to be permanently banned from those mindsets that stand like mountains in my path.

Then the comments started rolling in one after the other , the red light on my phone will constantly alert me of someone’s contribution to the slum situation . As I eagerly waited for each comment, I, underneath my breath pray  to God that someone will be touched , someone’s heart will be convicted , that God will be glorified in my life and in the lives of my contributors.

Then a particular comment  casually rolled in , Jaycee replied ,but not in the usual way , she sent in the Word and it shook my very existence , surging great hope within me that am not just a lonely traveler marooned on an isolated  island but that inside of the slums there is Someone right there with me. What she sent knocked out my usual thinking that God can’t rescue me from the slums easily , I was wrong because He is with me , urging , cheering , comforting , and loving me out of those slums.

The scripture, Jaycee sent was Ezekiel 16:6-14, since she sent it , I have been looking around for various Bible translations to better explain this wonderful revelation , this morning, as I decided to write again , I finally settled for the Youth Bible Contemporary English version , I was amazed to see how much God has gone and how far he is still ready to go to save me , here is the scripture.

‘’ I saw you lying there , rolling around in your own blood and I couldn’t let you die. I took care of you , like someone  caring for a tender ,young plant. You grew up to be a beautiful young woman with perfect breasts and long hair, but you were still naked . When I saw you again, you were old enough to have sex. So I covered your naked body with My own robe, then I solemnly promised and entered into a covenant  with you, says the Lord God and you became mine. Then I bathed you with water and washed off  your blood from you and anointed you with oil’’.

This amazes me , how tender , loving , compassionate my God is , he’s not standing outside of the slums waiting for my exit , He is right inside looking for as many as will turn to Him even in their pains and disillusionment. What a great message this is , that no matter how far we’ve gone in sins , God is always able to bring us out. He is the changer of destiny , the rewriter of history , the author and the finisher of my faith , without Him I don’t exist. I don’t want a life without Him in it, I don’t want a home that He is not heading. This day , with my hands around His neck , God is carrying me out of the slums , looking from His shoulders, I saw the devil and cohorts gnashing because they’ve lost me forever.

I quit the slums (part 1)


Before I start writing this , I will want to beg for indulgence from my sister, my senior friend and my mentor , Buky Ojelabi as I am going to use her last post ‘Leaving behind comfort zones’ as a reference point.

Few days ago before Sister Buky posted her new note , she sent a copy to me to edit and to professionally advise on , though I wasn’t able to finally edit as I was no where I could use the Ms office , I read it and immediately I saw ‘’comfort zones’’ , I mentally laughed ,knowing that this is me in a different way.

For me , leaving my past is as stressful  and painful like a cow wrestling with labour pains , leaving my past which unfortunately is my comfort zone is what I live for everyday , as I can’t wait to disassociate myself  from those mistakes that boldly stare me in the face anytime I want to, in my desperate bid to get away , I have often prayed for ‘Amnesia’ so at least I can forget. But like the saying ‘’if wishes are horses , beggars will ride’’, I can only wish that the past will vanish and I will forget , I can’t , the sting can only be taken away.

My comfort zones were all along refuse sites ,that I have been  terribly used to , they are relationships that are toxic that I have become addicted to , they are mindsets that have built talons and claws inside my psyche and become strongholds, comfort zones are the valleys of my dry bones.

When Buky sent that note and I saw her reference to London as her comfort zone where she had fond memories , mine is not like that , I have always found it rather easy to say goodbye to the good stuff  that come my way, it is the garbage I keep struggling with like a wet fish on a dry land.

As a media person , I get to see lots of things that confuse and surprise me , one of the news in my office is the report of people that live in a particular slum in Lagos(Nigeria), the slum is partially one big refuse site , where people live in , shacks have been  built over the years on this settlement. People live, cook and have kids  in this slum, known as home to them, when they were asked if they will like to relocate to a safer and cleaner  environment , they out rightly refused claiming that the slum has become a home to them as they can’t imagine life without the filth.

As I write this piece, there is a similarity between me and these slum settlers, but unlike them, I can’t wait to bolt out from this life sucking circumstances. As a single lady of considerable age and with a figure so petite , I often wondered why I am yet to have a man in my life , several times  I have put myself on a hot seat just to know what exactly is the issue , people that are concerned about my single status have often planned blind dates for me , but they don’t just work because am not allowing it to. Most times I keep seeing myself as the person that is not good enough to have an individual to devote all the love on , I have been used to comfort zones of relationships where  I have  to work like a jackal in  order to make the relationship see the light of the day . I get scared and sweaty whenever I have a young man fawning over me , seeking my attention , a great part of me screams at me to run as it can’t be real , while in the toxic relationships , I am the chief planner , chief talker , chief giver ,like mother bee trying to always win love.

Anytime I talk to my father about it ,and I cry endlessly about how unfair things are to me , the only answer I receive from the Holy Spirit is ‘ ‘Why can’t you accept love , if you are still finding hard to receive love  from humans you can see, how will receive the ultimate love from God you can’t see’’. As I heard this ,this morning , tears splatter down my face because I don’t know why am stuck on this refuse site ,looking for more dirt to eat while the only One that can save me stands near me beckoning me to come out.

My age status


There is something about ‘age’ that makes it a phenomenon of all times , it is a mystery that got people of all races ticking and uncomfortable , because it daily points them to the grave. This age happens to everyone and it’s certainly happening to me now, here and then I hear my bones creak refusing to do things , it never complained of years ago ,age is dropping so many changes on my doorsteps. Whenever it happens –I mean age- we are often faced with two choices ;either we accept the changes and wisely adjust to it or we become grizzly bears and complain endlessly about how unfair time has been to us.

As a female of a petite stature, I have often considered myself a ‘late bloomer’, a term used for people that find it rather difficult to start things in life , people that spend years dancing around the pot rather sitting down and eat from the pot.

Whenever I gist with friends and they ask me about my plans for the future , I am always quick to lecture them about this peculiar system , and I will go on and on about my late entry into adolescence, how I waited like Princess Fiona on the castle towers for my puberty , how I patiently waited for my first toaster as it did not come in High school as expected ,so I can have something to talk about when my teenage friends blab about theirs .I will sadly go down memory lane of how for five consecutive Valentine years , I was a spectator on the street called love and how I eagerly waited for the feet popping kiss.

Before you crucify me about the feet popping kiss, I have no apology that am a die hard romantic , I still believe in erratic heart beats , tingling toes , sinking tummies and of course earth stopping , mountain moving kisses between me and my man , that is a subject for another day.


This year I will be a year older , and am suddenly aware that am no longer that starry eyed teenager, I am now a responsible taxpaying young lady , and I must in every way rise up to the task dropped to my doorstep. My age this year is making me discover lots of things like suddenly realizing that ‘Love at first sight’ is a just a piece of shit I ingested from those dumb paperback romances I spent my teenage years reading . Surprising this year , the knowledge that no matter how much I bend for people , they can’t all like me is being corroborated . This 26th year of my existence , I am seriously assured that prayer works and for it be a habit , it must be done all the time even when I don’t feel like it and that in this world , there are lots of bad people and I can be one if I don’t hold on to the Only One (Jesus Christ) that can only fill my heart with so much love for Him and my fellow humans. This year , am discovering that age is slowly catching up on me and I must in every way become a God chaser , regardless of my ‘late bloomer’ status.

GOD-The One I will Fear


Since I started this year , I have been sure about one thing in my life , I have been confident that God is too faithful , He can’t fail no matter how late it feels to me. His love is so obvious that I know He can’t let go of me because I am His special girl, this year I have decided on one single thing ;to let go of all the issues that threaten my existence and fear God immensely.

‘Fear of God’, this is a  phrase , I certainly have an idea of  its meaning but sadly not the truth ; ‘Is it cowering behind the shelves whenever I hear His voice; Is it by  playing church every Sunday; Is it by acting nice to everyone I see and not speaking my mind; Is it by crying every time I am in His presence ‘’ , because these used to be what I felt ‘The fear of God is’’.

These days I have been having a change of heart by the Holy Spirit , the fear of God is loving  God wholeheartedly , it is by living every second for Him, it’s by knowing that ‘’from Him comes all good things’’ , it is by thinking about Him every second even before  I take any decision , it is by stopping being desperate.

This is the fear of God , this year I will be 26 years and these years have been full of good and bad times , and it is only worth living because of God. God is not just a religion I picked up from my parents , nor is He Someone I talk to whenever I feel like , He is my life , the reason why I live , the force behind my existence , He’s the only One that I talk to 24 hours a day and doesn’t get tired of listening to me.

He knows my form even before my parents dreamt of meeting , He proposed me as a female to be a wonderful helpmeet for that man that I have not yet met. He knows those nights when sleep take a walk from me , because of the thoughts that  weigh heavily on my heart ,He sees when tears wet my pillows out of sheer exhaustion and He comforts me with His words and sometimes I really feel His strong arms gently rocking me to sleep with His thoughts on my mind.

Year after year , He sees my failed attempts at love , and He sits with me when I use my tears to form a puddle when I didn’t have my way and gently reminds me that ‘True love still exist’ ,I just need to stay still and let Him to finish His work on me , whenever He tells me this , my head literally swells  with joy because I know if 
He says  it ,it is only a matter of time , it  shall come to pass.

In this 26th year of my existence , I sure have lots of dreams , lots of battles , lots of  habits to break away from , lots of places to go to , lots of things to do , but I choose to put them all on hold and fear God immensely because at the end of the day , He’s all that matters.