Sorry, I am broke


It been quite long that I wrote anything personal, for months I have mentally shut down because I couldn’t just write again because anytime I tried to, I feel like a fraud and someone that deserve to be spanked for deceiving people.

When I entered this year, I mentally had my head in the clouds, not exactly thinking and praying about the challenges the New Year will come with. I thought in my heart that my few minutes of prayer will magically wade off evil and trials; I argued with God that my good works were enough to get me through, how wrong can I be. Before I go on to rattle about my challenges, I need to praise God for His new  mercies everyday though many times I don’t deserve it.

In this year 2011, God has many times turned to me and did me good, He has crowned my head with a good and  godly man that loves me to pieces , hmmm, he is a good man , I have to write that again . God has and is using him to teach me the definition of love, I have lots of drama, you just have to stay in the house with me for a day to discover this, but my knight in shining armor manages to keep up with me. I thank God for this blessing every morning, and I do not in any way take it for granted.

Now to my failures and dramas. This year brought with it a drought, a financial one that has tried my patience, courage and faith. I work in a good place, at least that is what everybody says, but friends I am broke, flat broke because I refuse to get shock absorbers before I got on this journey called 2011.

As at last year, I was pretty content with waiting for my salary at the end of the month and building my life around the comfort of the few thousands of naira that hit my salary account. I had a diary I keep to document my finances and list the kind of clothes, shoes, accessories I needed to buy every month. I do this every month like a ritual, on that list, the only thing that looks like God is my tithe, I obviously did not care about my friend that is out of job and needed my few thousands just to get through the day.

I was selfish, always looking out for my own, clothes became an obsession for me; a month won’t pass me buying one latest designer that just hit Lagos stores. What I didn’t know was that I was digging my financial brokenness; I thought I was being fashion conscious; I defended my lack of compassion to being smart.

One cannot deceive God, not even the smartest person on earth, because He just doesn’t deal with appearances, God judges the heart and will reward each accordingly.

I thought working in a blue chip company will in a way secure my finances, it didn’t and it will never. This year, I have been humbled and brought down from the high tower of self-importance, I have learnt to cope with little and turning my hungry eyes from the designer clothed mannequins.

Though I am still fashion conscious, I have  learnt to stop taking things on credit because it is ruining me and eating away my future and moreover the clothes I wear are not what who I am really. Even though it is good to dress up and be the fine girl, clothes doesn’t hide my nakedness from God, He sees all and judges.

This evening I ask for mercy and grace to just live my life according to His counsel and stop being willful as I always want to be.