I need new dreams

I have always dreamed of being a mum, in fact all my childhood fantasies had centered on prince charming and babies. But what never crossed my mind once was the thought of being a stay at home mum. My expectation has centered on being a woman juggling career and motherhood, definitely not a tired looking mama covered in baby puree and cereal all day long.
Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my lovely baby and I will never trade her for anything in this world, but my perception of motherhood has been greatly altered. Friends, I have been actively searching for a job for 6 months with no success; this has tried my patience so much, it has made me angry at myself, at God and anyone who crosses my path.
Before I got pregnant, I was a perfect career woman who prided herself in her skills of being a journalist and writer. My job was the only thing that managed to boost my self worth, but now that all I do everyday is feeding my adorable child and doing uncountable house chores and binge on soap operas, I ask myself” who am I?.
Am I still the same Tolulope that was so focused, am I still that desirable woman that married almost 2 years ago, am I still that girl that loves God so much. As I ask myself this, I realize that even though I am still the same person,but my dreams have changed. God wants me to dream new dreams, He wants me to take pride in who I am today and bring out positivity. I need to dream new dreams, can I do that?

What Next?

It is been 3 months that I gave birth to my beautiful baby and during this time, I have been asking myself this one question, “What Next”. Thank God I went through pregnancy and childbirth miraculously,but what happens next,why do I have this restless yearning to accomplish more in life. I am writing this post out of my questioning state of mind, out of my desire to do more and move closer to my creator. There was a time in my life that I thought love, marriage, children were the ultimate answers to my restlessness, how wrong have I been. I am eternally grateful to God for all that He has blessed me with, but like what Sis Buky told me yesterday, “There is more to be done, more souls to be won, more time to be spent at the feet of Jesus,more discovery of self and world”. So help me God

My journey to Motherhood

The last time I wrote anything on this blog was in March, and if I remember accurately, it was on Waiting. Can I hear you say March, yes, that sounds like a lifetime away. That post was written from my desperate search for answers to why as a young bride, I had to face serious challenges headlong. That March was when medical diagnosis of all sorts piled at my doorstep, when tears were what I used every morning to greet God. March was a month when I decided to lay down my frantic attempts , when I stopped calling on pastors for answers, when I stopped questioning God as to why my expectations were suddenly cut short. That March was when God planted in me a seed of joy, a seed I didn’t know could ever be planted, a seed that myself and hubby had no idea it was coming. After series of tests and one pregnancy kit that said Negative, God revealed Himself by blessing us with our bundle of joy. That day, I discovered that am going to be a mum was the happiest day of my life, I remembered that I kept asking the doctor how possible it was after the bleaky diagnosis, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “Miracles happen, yours just did”.
Hubby was so escastic that he told me not to do any house chores again, not to stress myself again, (he is such a darling).
My friends, with every miracle comes a threat from the evil one, March was the month of my miracle and the month when the real battle started.
The devil tried in several ways to snatch away my joy, from a very sickly 1st trimester to bloody show at the start of my 2nd trimester. Weeks upon weeks, I lay on the hospital bed, terrible fear threatened my faith in God, to be honest then, I couldn’t even remember any line of scripture. Medical reports from different doctors made my heart spin with doubt, uncontrollable tears and depression were what the devil used to taunt me day and night. But in the midst of all this, God remained God, He is not alarmed at all, despite my childish tantrums, He kept my seed all through, with each scan, He kept reassuring me that Nothing shall harm my young, sometimes on my bed, I could feel His gentle touch soothing and telling me that He shall keep all my bones and my baby’s , none of them shall be missing. With Each day of the compulsory bedrest, God kept on working on my heart, charging me to completely trust in Him, that He is not a man that will lie neither is He a son of man that will repent. With the weeks slowly rolling by, hubby and I learnt to stand on God’s word and rebuke the devil, we learnt to turn our eyes away from doctors report to the author and finisher of our faith. On our 1st year wedding anniversary , God of all universe moved strongly on my behalf, my very own daughter made her truimphant entry into the world, her birth silenced the devil’s mouth, brought extraordinary joy into my life. My daughter, did I just say this, my daughter is a blessing everyday.
In this journey to motherhood, God blessed my family with the love of so many wonderful people. People that stood on God’s Word along with us, my parents, they are just the best, I won’t ever forget your endless sacrifice. I love you guys forever. I have a mother in law, whom I choose to call my mother because she is, her faith in God amazes me everyday, yeye oko mi, am so grateful, I love you so much. To my siblings, you guys rock my world everyday, your comforting words to your steadfast prayers made me believe again in the sanctity of family.
I have sisters that we are bound not by physical blood but by the blood of Jesus Christ, these sisters of mine keep showing me a new dimension to sisterhood everyday, Sister Buky Ojelabi, I won’t ever be able to repay your kindness, is it your prayers to your words of advice to your sacrifice in getting all my baby’s things . Am so so overwhelmed by your love and kindness, God keep you and your family. I have another sister called Nike Olanipekun, hmmmmmn, she is indeed my sister, days don’t roll by that she doesn’t check on me, bombard me with prayers, charging me to be strong. I am grateful sis.
I once thought that about this particular person , how unworthy I am to have her love and support, she is Dr Funke Akinmade, she and her spouse just love me, I try to find out why, I just don’t have a clue. Sis, words will never be enough to appreciate you for your love, you are the best.
Lastly, am grateful to every of my friends here on the blog that kept me in their minds even when they had no clue to what was happening, I can’t ever take you all for granted. I love you. Welcome to my world of motherhood.

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Not a bad idea

I hate the word ‘Waiting’!! thank God I said it out at last. It is heartbreaking, it brings me high dose of nervousness, it makes me cry, it exposes my vulnerability to people and most especially to God. It shows my sense of not being in control, if you are like me, then I am relieved that am not alone in this. Whenever I  hear the word ‘Patience’ or ‘Waiting’,  what  usually comes  along with it , is lot of squirming and pain because I happen to be born in a microwave generation , a generation that wants things done in a split second, one that has no tolerance for processes or a long plan. I have been conditioned from the womb to dislike anything that looks like waiting, my orientation has been tuned to having things land on my laps as soon as I open my mouth to ask for it.

This obvious dislike for patience is what makes me most times run life on the fast track, it is what makes me try to play god in any situation that arise.

Waiting for me includes not getting a better job quickly, loads of prayer points still pending  at God’s door,  disappointing situations that make me so weak , issues that apparently refuse to let go , habits that I love to drop but still clinging to my hem. As you all know I got married few months ago with high levels of expectations, naturally believing that the world will drop still at my feet because I am now a  Mrs. , but I have come to know that in every situation I need to do some waiting.

Waiting on God is something I have been learning to do since I signed the dotted lines, waiting on Him is something He needs to teach me to be strong , it is what I have to go through to become a better person. Though God still works in present dramatic ways , He however loves to take us through long periods of being still in His presence , seasons  of  helplessness that we might know and crave His awesomeness.

I usually believe that waiting is a sign of been punished for something that I have done against God, I have grown up to believe that waiting is some awkward word used only for the unfortunate but I am so wrong because in waiting I find strength, in waiting I find God, in waiting I find eternal peace. Though everyday that I wait , it is a difficult thing to do, I barely find strength to go through a whole day before I dissolve into doubt, but with every line of doubt , there is a huge amount of faith being released into my system. At the end of the day, waiting is not such a bad idea.

Much more than me (Guest post 1)

“Jeeeeesus, help me.” I bawled.

The doctor took one long look at me and resumed her procedure as though oblivious to my pain. The catheter she fed into the vein below my  elbow plunged me into intense agony. It hurt like nothing I had ever experienced before. This was a deep-vein intravenous and not the usual one on the wrist. Short of yelling the place down, I was in super turmoil as she yanked the catheter out again. She poked and prodded looking for a good vein and I sang yee o with every jolt of pain. Modesty was not required at this time; I just had to give vent to my discomfort.

It took an excruciating thirty minutes of threading needles through my delicate skin before we finally had a breakthrough. Did I breathe a sigh of relief? Not yet. It was just the beginning of the journey and it was too late to back out. Had I known it would hurt this much, I might have delayed the procedure and worked harder at getting divine healing; painlessly. But then this procedure was needful and urgently too.

If the Lord revealed every hurdle, pain or valley we’d pass through before time, many of us might think twice about going on with Him. However, God in His infinite wisdom reveals the glory to come so that it would cushion us against thoughts of hopelessness when we momentarily swing through the valley.

Catheter in place, surgical gown donned and final prayer mumbled, I took the short steps down the hallway to the white room. Lying on the cold hard table, I stared at the ceiling refusing to admire or even acknowledge the little gadgets displayed for butchery. My heart thumped wildly. Scenarios of life bombarded my thoughts, pretty much like ‘my life flashing slowly, slowly before my eyes’. And you know the all-important question people often ask when they’re in this kind of situation, ‘Will I die?’

The question I asked was, ‘Lord, did I not reckon myself healed?’ I was desperate to know if all my confessions, prayers, study and stance of faith were not enough to qualify me for a miracle because I saw myself healed. Here’s a quick reminder of how faith works:  Faith is energized by a good grasp of God’s word, an absolute trust in God that translates to immediate action. Just as the scripture:

‘If you have faith as a mustard seed, you can say to this Mulberry tree, ‘Be pulled up by the root and be planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you.” Luke 17:6.

The Lord didn’t give me an answer so I went ahead to remind Him of His many promises and why I shouldn’t, wasn’t ready to cross to the other side.

A couple of hours later, I was back in the recovery room under heavy sedation. When I finally came to, I screamed the place down. The anesthesia had worn off and my body recoiled at the intense pain. The tender care of the nurses who bathed me every day and the doctors who oversaw my recovery propelled me to appreciate and thank God for good doctors, equipment, nurses, environment and just everything I could comprehend at the time.

Having surgery didn’t negate my faith. God could have used any method at all to heal me. The issue was for me to trust Him. Remember when Jesus mixed saliva with dust to make mud to heal a blind man? We would say that was crude but it worked didn’t it? The next day, I got the depressing news that I would have to go back for more surgery; something else was wrong.

Like most people, I had hoped for the boom-type healing where I would later stand on the pulpit and recount how God’s awesome power zipped through my body in an instant. However, in reality what I needed was reconstructive surgery.  I had faith for the diagnosed symptoms but was unaware of the other life threatening issues at stake so my faith couldn’t have worked without medical intervention. That’s why doctors are a blessing. When I finally understood what was really wrong with me, it was easy to ask, speak and apply God’s word to the remaining two procedures which were like a walk in the park.

On my second visit to the white room, by which time I had become accustomed to the not so glorious scenery; I said a short prayer, not asking for anything, no discussion, just a ‘thank you, Lord for life’ when I heard the Lord spoke.

“Daughter, I am taking you through this route in spite of yourself, in spite of your faith. Through this you can appreciate others in pain, encourage and help them trust me in their situations. This is not about you; it’s about me, my plans and my purpose.”


‘What!’ This isn’t about me? I can’t even feel sorry for myself and gather pity party for what I’m going through? I ruminated. The pain and agony I’d been through and the earth-shattering news that I had a life-threatening issue that required swift surgery isn’t about me?

Moments later, the anesthesia engulfed me in a deep sleep. I was discharged with full instructions on how to care for myself for the next six weeks. The doctor warned that I may never fully recover and there was a likelihood of recurrence in a very short while. Determined to go beyond the doctor’s report, although I took labored steps, I attempted things I was physically incapable of. I let God’s word take full control as I spoke and claimed healing and health. Within four weeks I was back on my feet, resumed work, got a very positive report during the third check-up and up till recent times.

You see, this was not just about faith and divine healing because all along it wasn’t about me. There was a bigger picture than my little situation that God was interested in. Not that my pain didn’t matter to Him; it did, more than I’ll ever understand.

“For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities…” Heb 4:15.

I’ve had the luxury of instant healings in the past and that could easily put me in a position to judge people who are unable to fully grasp His word for healing or even discourage those who truly need medical intervention. Healing is not always instantaneous and constructive miracles are not as common. Besides, if we cannot aptly apply the word of God to combat a common cold or headache, we certainly cannot for a tumor or cancer.

But the real issue here is that even if I had enough faith to be healed without medical intervention, God chose to override it. Sometimes we get so complacent with God’s blessings we take it for granted. We get out of school with honors, get a sterling job and fabulous pay with trips abroad, get married, pop out two or three kids, our bodies are fit and healthy and everything is just honky-dory.

Now the question is: If God were to ruffle our cute little existence with a series of impossibilities would we still serve Him?  

Could a season of lack, for instance, compromise your integrity? Imagine praising God on an empty stomach and no hope of breaking your circumstance-imposed fast. Some of us need a season of lack to fully appreciate giving. Our triumph over trials (“Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.” James 1:3) could be the only unspoken sermon someone would need to receive Christ and get into God’s kingdom. “You are our epistles written in our hearts, known and read by all men.” 2 Cor 3:2

But let’s hear it from a man whose life is such an epistle:

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.” 2 Cor 12:7-12

Paul’s ‘thorn in the flesh’ had nothing to do with his lack of faith. It had everything to do with God’s infinite purpose. If God means business with you, He will ruffle your feathers till He squeezes every ounce of flesh out of you and remold you to be EVERYTHING He created you to be and steer you in the direction of your destiny.

I then began to understand the reasons behind ‘some’ not all of my adversities because ‘many are the afflictions of the righteous’. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying every sickness, infirmity or adversity comes because God has a higher purpose. God does not get any glory in sicknesses, diseases or self-inflicted adversity.

Our lives are not solely about us. How dare we live as if we’re all that matters. You, me, us, we might be the only opportunity someone may need to meet the Saviour. We might be the one God wants to use to deliver an individual, a family or a nation. It is only what we do for God that counts for eternity and that’s why it gives me great pleasure to know that there’s profit in my pain. And really, it’s an honor to be used by God in anyway He deems fit.

So my question to you is: ‘Are you too busy minding your business, living your life for you such that you can’t be bothered about others? Or can God count on you to be His instrument of salvation? Will you permit Him to use you to show the world what real compassion is when He puts you in the shoes of those in need of compassion? Will you permit Him to show you what giving is really all about when you gaze at the cross and see the ultimate giving in action?

If so, get ready because like a tornado, He’s going to rip through your life. But remember that AFTER EVERY CROSS AND THORN THERE’S A CROWN AND THERE’S A GLORY.

“And every man that striveth for the mastery is temperate in all things. Now they do it to obtain a corruptible crown; but we an incorruptible.” 1 Cor 9:25

Now you have a choice, you can choose.

P.S:  Olusola is a wife, mother and a God lover. I will be featuring her posts for the month. She blogs at http://www.histiara.com. Please check her out. She’s got the Word for the season

I had to be pierced (via Rahab Memoirs’)

This morning while praying and wondering at the same time , I realized that if not for Jesus Christ , my life will simply not have a meaning. I remembered this post that I wrote last year when I had my piercing experience , I thought it will be nice to pull it out of the archives for Easter. What a victory we have through the Lamb of God, what a wretched generation we will have been if not His sacrifice on the cross.
Thank You Jesus.

I had to be pierced Months ago I went to get myself pierced, I have always had this desire to get a second ear hole , how I just love the idea of having two small earrings adorn each of   my cute ears , but I have been held back by a lot of reasons .Firstly by my parents , my dad made it very known to us(girls)in his home  when we were growing up about his aversion for jewellery of whosoever kind . My loving daddy is an adherent believer of natural beauty, he often … Read More

via Rahab Memoirs'

I Need the Good Guy, I Don’t Know about You.

By Tolulope on Friday, July 9, 2010 at 7:15am
Since I discovered the miracle of internet surfing , I have never for once taken it for granted , I eagerly embrace all it has to offer , morning after morning , I voraciously lap on information from various sites , ranging from political to academic to inspirational. This appetite of mine has for months now been feeding heavily on inspirational sites , I have gone to hundreds of these sites ,looking for ways to be better , and I must confess it has really being of tremendous help to me .
One of the site is ‘girlsgonewise.com’ , this site has lots of resources for girls who are willing to become wise and abandon the wild ways , maybe it’s the name that attracted me or the layout , whichever did , am eternally grateful to . In one of the articles posted there was ‘Why do good girls love bad guys? This is a big question I myself have running from for a long time , because it so much scares me and reveal to me an amount of evil that reside in me and puts to shame my ‘goodness’. This is a question , I myself I have not been able to answer and since I have once been a victim of this malfunction , am so eager to discuss it with other girls .

Be damned , Oh my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 by Tolu on Monday, November 8, 2010 at 10:05am
Whoever came up with this proverb  saying ‘Follow your heart ‘ should be accused of mass misleading , the person if dead , should be exhumed and resurrected to face his charges and be given 1000  lashes or maybe sentenced to death the second time by lethal injection.

For over 2 decades I have been a strict adherent of this saying , I don’t know how it  got to be , I guess it must through all the M & B , Harlequins of this world , all I knew was  by the time I was 8 years old , this saying had firmly became a principle I lived my life by. This saying made me BFF(best friend forever) with my heart , I trusted my heart wholeheartedly , I couldn’t do anything without first consulting with it , my heart directed me to wherever it wishes , it had total control of my life .