My love secrets


From where I sit to write this , I could literally feel love in the air , as I put my hands on the keyboard to put my thoughts down , goose pimples line up my upper arms causing me to shake . This time of the year is when torrent of hormones flow unending in my bloodstream, making me cry with joy whenever I watch a country romance comedy where the man sweeps his maiden  off her feet , this period is when I dare to reveal more of myself to my friends , fellow bloggers  and tell them few things I can’t ever apologize  for , at least in this present world.

To people that don’t really know me, because I must  confess, am quite complex to understand , one minute ,I might be a drama queen and laugh like someone with no worries in the world ,the next minute I am all serious ,facing my business . Firstly , to know me is to know that am so into God , totally sold out to  Him and since He discovered and wooed me and I became His sweetheart , I have always been bursting in my seams to share the Good News of  this incredible love story.

Since this romance between Him and I started , there are lots of sentences like these ‘’ What will I do without Jesus ?, I love You so much , Am nothing without You ‘’ have comfortably wiggled their ways into my day to day lexicon . That doesn’t mean I am perfect , in fact I still have a long way to go  or I don’t commit biblical faux pas ,it simply means I am nothing without God and I will keep searching and chasing Him till I become all what He wants to become.

Another thing you won’t ever see me being ashamed of, is my diehard obsession for romance . I am a sanguine and the whole idea of ‘boy meets gir’l is such a big deal to me, any day ,  I am a sucker for love . I am one of the girls that got exposed early  to the world of knights in shining armour through the reputed Mill and Boons , though over the years , some  princes have turned to frogs , it still doesn’t change my perception of love.

Yes, I agree that age and experience has finally succeeded in  making  my head correct, unlike former years when I was starry eyed and quite stupid , am still a fan of love because I believe in it . There are deep rooted ideologies that I am going back to , there are basics of romance that must bloom again regardless of the dark clouds that pervade the horizon , there are God-created rules about love that must be followed again .

It’s Valentine again , and am gushing with so much love , I wish you could see my heart right now , love is not something anyone should give up on , it is not a commodity in the market that anyone should  ignore . I know this world is so unfair and dirty , but common on , that is the reason why love is needed , it opens us to a new world where beauty doesn’t count , where charisma is so embarrassed to show its face , because Love rules.

Love is what makes me  laugh hysterically in the bathroom when I remember what my man said in his last conversation , it is what makes me 18 years again as I dance around my room trying to picture his face next to mine . Love is what makes me blush when no one is around except for the memories of our togetherness, love is beautiful that is not restricted to male/female alone , it is what makes you see a beggar on the roadside and stop to drop few naira in the outstretched hands.

Love is what makes you treat everyone with fairness regardless of their class, age , it is what makes you want to wake up everyday and face this cruel world.

Happy Valentine to all my friends , bloggers , this time next year ,it will be a better one for all of us as all our prayers will have been answered .

I quit the slums (part 2)


After writing the 1st part and posting , I honestly did not know where the second part will come from ,I had no clue about what to write ,because all I was feeling when writing the 1st part was quiet desperation on how to get out of the slums and to be permanently banned from those mindsets that stand like mountains in my path.

Then the comments started rolling in one after the other , the red light on my phone will constantly alert me of someone’s contribution to the slum situation . As I eagerly waited for each comment, I, underneath my breath pray  to God that someone will be touched , someone’s heart will be convicted , that God will be glorified in my life and in the lives of my contributors.

Then a particular comment  casually rolled in , Jaycee replied ,but not in the usual way , she sent in the Word and it shook my very existence , surging great hope within me that am not just a lonely traveler marooned on an isolated  island but that inside of the slums there is Someone right there with me. What she sent knocked out my usual thinking that God can’t rescue me from the slums easily , I was wrong because He is with me , urging , cheering , comforting , and loving me out of those slums.

The scripture, Jaycee sent was Ezekiel 16:6-14, since she sent it , I have been looking around for various Bible translations to better explain this wonderful revelation , this morning, as I decided to write again , I finally settled for the Youth Bible Contemporary English version , I was amazed to see how much God has gone and how far he is still ready to go to save me , here is the scripture.

‘’ I saw you lying there , rolling around in your own blood and I couldn’t let you die. I took care of you , like someone  caring for a tender ,young plant. You grew up to be a beautiful young woman with perfect breasts and long hair, but you were still naked . When I saw you again, you were old enough to have sex. So I covered your naked body with My own robe, then I solemnly promised and entered into a covenant  with you, says the Lord God and you became mine. Then I bathed you with water and washed off  your blood from you and anointed you with oil’’.

This amazes me , how tender , loving , compassionate my God is , he’s not standing outside of the slums waiting for my exit , He is right inside looking for as many as will turn to Him even in their pains and disillusionment. What a great message this is , that no matter how far we’ve gone in sins , God is always able to bring us out. He is the changer of destiny , the rewriter of history , the author and the finisher of my faith , without Him I don’t exist. I don’t want a life without Him in it, I don’t want a home that He is not heading. This day , with my hands around His neck , God is carrying me out of the slums , looking from His shoulders, I saw the devil and cohorts gnashing because they’ve lost me forever.

My age status


There is something about ‘age’ that makes it a phenomenon of all times , it is a mystery that got people of all races ticking and uncomfortable , because it daily points them to the grave. This age happens to everyone and it’s certainly happening to me now, here and then I hear my bones creak refusing to do things , it never complained of years ago ,age is dropping so many changes on my doorsteps. Whenever it happens –I mean age- we are often faced with two choices ;either we accept the changes and wisely adjust to it or we become grizzly bears and complain endlessly about how unfair time has been to us.

As a female of a petite stature, I have often considered myself a ‘late bloomer’, a term used for people that find it rather difficult to start things in life , people that spend years dancing around the pot rather sitting down and eat from the pot.

Whenever I gist with friends and they ask me about my plans for the future , I am always quick to lecture them about this peculiar system , and I will go on and on about my late entry into adolescence, how I waited like Princess Fiona on the castle towers for my puberty , how I patiently waited for my first toaster as it did not come in High school as expected ,so I can have something to talk about when my teenage friends blab about theirs .I will sadly go down memory lane of how for five consecutive Valentine years , I was a spectator on the street called love and how I eagerly waited for the feet popping kiss.

Before you crucify me about the feet popping kiss, I have no apology that am a die hard romantic , I still believe in erratic heart beats , tingling toes , sinking tummies and of course earth stopping , mountain moving kisses between me and my man , that is a subject for another day.


This year I will be a year older , and am suddenly aware that am no longer that starry eyed teenager, I am now a responsible taxpaying young lady , and I must in every way rise up to the task dropped to my doorstep. My age this year is making me discover lots of things like suddenly realizing that ‘Love at first sight’ is a just a piece of shit I ingested from those dumb paperback romances I spent my teenage years reading . Surprising this year , the knowledge that no matter how much I bend for people , they can’t all like me is being corroborated . This 26th year of my existence , I am seriously assured that prayer works and for it be a habit , it must be done all the time even when I don’t feel like it and that in this world , there are lots of bad people and I can be one if I don’t hold on to the Only One (Jesus Christ) that can only fill my heart with so much love for Him and my fellow humans. This year , am discovering that age is slowly catching up on me and I must in every way become a God chaser , regardless of my ‘late bloomer’ status.

GOD-The One I will Fear


Since I started this year , I have been sure about one thing in my life , I have been confident that God is too faithful , He can’t fail no matter how late it feels to me. His love is so obvious that I know He can’t let go of me because I am His special girl, this year I have decided on one single thing ;to let go of all the issues that threaten my existence and fear God immensely.

‘Fear of God’, this is a  phrase , I certainly have an idea of  its meaning but sadly not the truth ; ‘Is it cowering behind the shelves whenever I hear His voice; Is it by  playing church every Sunday; Is it by acting nice to everyone I see and not speaking my mind; Is it by crying every time I am in His presence ‘’ , because these used to be what I felt ‘The fear of God is’’.

These days I have been having a change of heart by the Holy Spirit , the fear of God is loving  God wholeheartedly , it is by living every second for Him, it’s by knowing that ‘’from Him comes all good things’’ , it is by thinking about Him every second even before  I take any decision , it is by stopping being desperate.

This is the fear of God , this year I will be 26 years and these years have been full of good and bad times , and it is only worth living because of God. God is not just a religion I picked up from my parents , nor is He Someone I talk to whenever I feel like , He is my life , the reason why I live , the force behind my existence , He’s the only One that I talk to 24 hours a day and doesn’t get tired of listening to me.

He knows my form even before my parents dreamt of meeting , He proposed me as a female to be a wonderful helpmeet for that man that I have not yet met. He knows those nights when sleep take a walk from me , because of the thoughts that  weigh heavily on my heart ,He sees when tears wet my pillows out of sheer exhaustion and He comforts me with His words and sometimes I really feel His strong arms gently rocking me to sleep with His thoughts on my mind.

Year after year , He sees my failed attempts at love , and He sits with me when I use my tears to form a puddle when I didn’t have my way and gently reminds me that ‘True love still exist’ ,I just need to stay still and let Him to finish His work on me , whenever He tells me this , my head literally swells  with joy because I know if 
He says  it ,it is only a matter of time , it  shall come to pass.

In this 26th year of my existence , I sure have lots of dreams , lots of battles , lots of  habits to break away from , lots of places to go to , lots of things to do , but I choose to put them all on hold and fear God immensely because at the end of the day , He’s all that matters.

What I want in a man? part 2


Christmas this year was one ‘quick show’ for me, as I only got a day off from work to travel home to Ilesa, so I had to spend the other day (boxing day) at work which was very sad for me, people that heard that I was at work only confirmed their fears of me being a workaholic, lol.

One good thing that  came out from this ‘always at work’ issue is that I have finally learnt how to be stay  still in a place and think , hours of being glued in front of the  system has produced periods of meditation which I have not being able to achieve in the past years. With the meditation sessions comes along my new hobby: MUSIC, while streaming through songs last  Christmas , since I was stuck in the office , I heard a song from Toni Braxton.

Toni Braxton’s ‘Woman’ made sense to me as I gently swing my hips to the beats , ‘I am a woman who knows what she wants,,,,,’ and the question that keeps appearing in my mind is ‘ what exactly do I need in a man’ . This question scares me more than the rodents that invaded my room when I was in the University , because I really can’t answer , I know am supposed to know ,but I don’t because I can only have a list if I know myself. Since I wrote the first part of this piece , I have been going about with a small brown jotter in my bag , scribbling my thoughts every minute trying so hard to compile something for this piece am writing.

Now am writing , and without the small brown jotter because the list in it  doesn’t make sense to me , if I were to go by a list , then I would have had an answer to Buky when she asked me . If I were to have a list then it is not going to start at all with  a Man , it’s not going to  make it’s headlines’ MAN LIST’, because it is not about him this time , it is about having that long chat with God , so that I can really know who I am. My list is not starting with MAN-CAPABILITIES, it  is starting with me.

When Buky mentioned ‘list’  weeks ago , I was a little bit insincere because I had a list then , I had a list I have been judging men with  all these years , it’s a twisted one , but I have it anyway , it goes thus : God fearing , intelligent, handsome , smart, high sense of humour , easy to be with , and obviously taller than me , romantic, passionate , e.t.c , that was the list in my mind, I guessed I didn’t tell  Buky about it  because I knew right in my heart , that was not the list God wanted, though it looks kind of cool. My old list is self- centred , petty , it’s a list that asks too much from  a human . It should not be like that .

I am a woman , and I ovulate every month ,that is not a mistake , it is for a purpose , I am specifically created by God to bring comfort to everyone around me , bring love to people that seemingly  look as if they don’t need it , add wisdom to my beauty at all times , be the best wife any man can ask for , train up kids that will in future destroy the kingdom of hell , that is the list I should have, not going about having 101 things my man should have  .

If I fail to be all these , then I am certainly not in a position to have a list about a man at all , because if he were to be the best man that ever walked on  this earth , I will never be fit for him.In all this I pray to God to make  me a woman that will be a woman in deed because eventually the Bible saying ‘Deep calls  unto deep in the roar of your waterfall’ will come true between me and my man.

What I want in a man? part 1


As I put down my fingers on my laptop to begin to write this midnight  , all that I could hear is the voice of someone very familiar to me , the voice that  I have heard for twenty five years of my life , the voice of my mother chiding me to have always a to-do list , ‘’tolulope, always have a plan , and for heavens’ sake , be tidy ‘’ , she will  go ahead and rebuke me in her exasperated voice ‘’ how are you coping in this room , can’t  you just tidy it up and have a plan on how to keep it clean ‘’.

‘’Plan’’ , did I hear just remember that, this is a word that am not genetically oriented to like and then as a teenager I was always lost because to me ‘list’ sounds like a Latin word , my Dad love to use to intimidate his friends who are not smart enough to remember it from their Latin classes.  I can’t count the number of times I was forced to have this ‘list’  conversation with my mum, heaven knows that then I love to tidy up my room , but I just  can’t keep it clean because am always in a hurry to pick things up and never return to where I met it , so my room was always untidy.

As I grew up and started to mature into a young lady , people that I met attributed my lack of organisation to my temperament , they introduced me to Tim Lahaye and his bestselling book ‘Why You Act the Way You Do’, when I read this book, a feeling of exhilaration ran through my spine , as I couldn’t wait to tell my folks of why I can’t keep my room tidy and why I can’t just have a list. Trust my dad to always have a wise answer to every of my ‘’weird discovery’’ , he told me in Yoruba ‘’ tii idi baje , tii onidi ni o ma da’’ , meaning ‘’ if one’s life turns out to be bad , it’s the business of the owner , not anyone’’.

When I started working in corporate organisations , I discovered something called ‘STICK-ONS’, it’s a piece of paper that one can write on and stick it to the table  to remind us of what we need to do , and again, I failed with this new technology , not only do this stick-ons come in hard copy , they are there on my system waiting for me to write my list on it , so that I may have a better output. I tried to for days to write down my plans , aspirations , people to call, people to send texts to , books to read , time to wake up at night to pray , devoted time to study the Word e.t.c.

The truth is that I really tried in following this plan , I prayed to God to  give me the discipline to structure my life  after this list of mine , but I kept on  failing , however overtime I just gave up on the ‘List’ issue and began to live my life on impulse which is the wrongest thing anyone can do. Last afternoon , I was chatting with my senior friend ,Buky, and she mentioned ‘’ tolulope , you should have a list of what you want in a man, how you want him to look, his desires if they match yours, if I wanted to be a stay home mum , if I want to have plenty kids and so on’’.

Immediately Buky mentioned ‘list’ , I knew I was in trouble , because she was correct in telling me to have a list of what I want in man, and really I have never sat to compile a list about this most critical aspect of my life . She mentioned ‘List’ and I discovered how scattered and disillusioned have being on this ‘Love life’ of mine. I am 25 , and it is highly pathetic that  I don’t have a list , not even a make shift one , as she casually advised , I knew that I was obviously not ready for the aisle because in the list she tried putting up for me , I was lost.

After the chat , while working in the newsroom ,surrounded by quiet humming’s of the split air conditioners and the frequent promptings of the Chief Editor , I asked myself  this question ‘’WHAT DO I WANT IN A MAN?

Saying No to issues


Few years ago , thoughts of sleeping alone in a room could make  me convulse , the mere sight of darkness made me wet my pants several times , then I guess I was just possessed with the spirit called fear , and trust my daddy, he made sure He took a drastic step to stop this my unreasonable habit.

Over dinner in my house , my dad will  intentionally talk about  the metaphysical world, he will gist my mother about the ghosts of family friends that appeared to him or to someone else , he will go ahead and lecture us about the power we have as living beings and how to say No to fear , but that didn’t help me , it only compounded my problems. He said we should learn to read people and have minds of our own , he taught us to be independent and confident in whatever situation we found ourselves, he drummed in our ears ‘’ don’t be yes men , learn to say No when  you need to say it , and vice versa’’.

Sadly my daddy’s expectation were not birthed on me as I am a middle child and I have a terrible disease , which for years has been  sucking me dry; I have an APPROVAL ADDICTION SYDROME.I don’t need a doctor to explain the pathological history of my illness to me , I know the symptoms , am aware of its destructive effects , the first step to the healing is to admit of its existence,

So to everybody that knows me and really thinks am cool, nice, maybe too nice sometimes, am sorry to announce to you that I have a sickness that makes me try so hard to make people like me , I just care too much about what people think about me . I am a needy individual, the thoughts of being in the bad books of relatives and  friends grieve me  and  it has made me addicted to this habit of always saying ‘YES’ to everyone

As a middle child , I feel it’s my responsibility to work hard for love , as a child , I struggled a lot for recognition from people , but no matter how much I tried , I am just the ‘ insignificant ugly duckling of the family’ then  all I used to hear from insensitive people were  ‘’ how come you are part of the Odeyemi’s , you are not even as brilliant as them , others are so pretty  and you are such a tomboy’’. As I grew with these words , something in me kept  telling me that I need to prove a point to people , a niggling thought kept on whispering to  me to work hard for people’s love , the more I try , the more frustrated and disillusioned I become . So for over a decade of my life, I have been a hard worker in the department of love   , I feel always unworthy to accept love that is given without strings, something in me screams that I should be nice to everyone so they can love me, my philosophy for over 23 years is to ‘’ always bring something to the table ‘’

This sickness had spilled into everything I have , at work , I can’t stop smiling to people , because I need to create an impression that I am that ‘ cute , smiley girl ‘which I know am not , am not bad either . In church ,  I am not really into the smiling thing ,but  come to see me on a Sunday morning ,  you are sure to see a peacock all fluttered with array of colours , I dress to always make a statement that  ‘’I am tush now , so  I  am qualified to be  your friend’’.

At home , I am that perfect homebody that respects everybody even the pets , I stuff my emotions in , so that folks will not know  the real me , I have heard comments like ‘’ tolulope doesn’t get angry , she is so calm ‘’ and I used to wonder about the truth of this statement  , because it’s just a blatant lie , I get angry , seriously hurt , I just don’t know how to show it . Because of my supposedly calm nature , I became a foot mat to people, because they usually feel they can get away with anything from me.

In my relationship, which is the funniest thing , I don’t like guys who are falling head over heels in love with me , because they look kind of cheap , I mean too accessible to me , I love to go to places where I have to work hard for love , so severally , I have found myself in bad situations where I need to literally chase a guy, my sickness has prevented from accepting love from people that love me for who I am.

With God, it’s more complex , because most times , I just it  find so hard to believe  that God will love me , the Scriptures sometimes look too simple and easy , I read about Jesus ‘s sacrifice , my favourite in the scriptures is Isaiah , which  eulogises God’s love and redemption for mankind , in all of this , I still struggle to believe , doubts plague my mind about how God is too holy to associate with someone like  me.

But there is no one like my God , He is patient with me , He knows my frame , He understands my weaknesses , whenever I break down and cry to Him to help me , He always remembers that He has dealt with ladies like me before , He closes His eyes , and He sees  RAHAB, BATHSEBA ,MARY MAGADLENE and He smiles because I am just one of His special girls . As He holds me in His hands , He keeps telling me that He’s not through with me , that I were to be  the only person that needed salvation , He will still  had come . This season I am not thinking about the weave on I need to fix, or the shows I need to go to  , or  the young man that I really need him to call me , am thinking and am praying frantically to God to teach me to accept His love and make me  say No to all the issues in my life.

I need to hold my head high in His presence and be the woman He wants me to be.