Be damned , Oh my heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 by Tolu on Monday, November 8, 2010 at 10:05am
Whoever came up with this proverb  saying ‘Follow your heart ‘ should be accused of mass misleading , the person if dead , should be exhumed and resurrected to face his charges and be given 1000  lashes or maybe sentenced to death the second time by lethal injection.

For over 2 decades I have been a strict adherent of this saying , I don’t know how it  got to be , I guess it must through all the M & B , Harlequins of this world , all I knew was  by the time I was 8 years old , this saying had firmly became a principle I lived my life by. This saying made me BFF(best friend forever) with my heart , I trusted my heart wholeheartedly , I couldn’t do anything without first consulting with it , my heart directed me to wherever it wishes , it had total control of my life .

From the time I discovered this awkward friendship, I stubbornly rejected any other friends that came my way, my heart knowing that it  was in charge, tyrannically started ruling my life, several times over the years it intentionally made me go into relationships that were not meant for me, one of these relationships almost cost me my very essence, almost robbed me of my femininity.

Memories of how my heart made me develop my first crush at 9 years old still cling to me even after 16 years , it knew the crush will never materialise into anything , it  still made me behave like a love sick puppy around my object of crush(17 year old boy that happened to be my brother’s friend).  Years after this disgraceful show , my heart still succeeded in persuading me  to go for another trip into the love zone , this time around I was a fresh face in the University , it  made me believe in ‘love at first sight’ , this  landed me in big trouble as the object of this ‘so called love ‘ never for once  reciprocated  my desperate affections  .

My heart still persuaded me to keep on trying to win the love of this man , it  never failed in stocking me with sentences like these ‘ fight for your love ‘ ‘ it’s okay for a girl to chase a guy’. What a liar my heart is, me being unwise listened and ignored the voice of His that keeps tugging at my Spirit saying ‘He who finds a wife findeth a good thing’.

In this particular love situation which lasted for several years before I was delivered by the One that loved me unconditionally, I listened to a lot of lies from my heart. Maybe my heart is not evil maybe it was just too weak and easily influenced by the worldly distractions, whatever it maybe, my heart made me suffer in this love situation. I became a very needy person looking for approval from this young man , my whole life revolved around him , I simply don’t mind  him treating me like dirt , all I wanted was to be with him . In the face of the cheap love he threw around, I glowed shamelessly, all I needed then was a twinkle from his eyes and my world will turn around in seconds, there are times when my spirit tried to warn me off this life sucking relationship, I thought in my heart that it was old fashioned that nowadays, it’s cool for a girl to do all the loving, while the guy stays the indifferent one.

My heart always whisper to me that ‘it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t call as long as you do the calling ‘so along I went with this suggestion, wasting all my life savings on recharge cards trying to form a bond that has no foundation. Minute upon minute I stay on phone trying to chase a man that will never love me , month after month , I stay  glued in this pathetic union trying to convince myself and all others that care that I was in a perfect  union when I clearly knew it was a journey going nowhere. By the time I was to be delivered out of this obsessive love , I almost did not  know who I was again , I seriously doubted my femininity  , the pains of being rejected had made me needy all over again as I kept on  searching for love in the wrong places .

In all these pains , my heart stayed  afar off looking blankly at me , it  could not offer any help to me , even if it does , it will still have amounted to nothing because it was  just not capable of leading me alright . In these pains I grew, in this trauma of being rejected I found a new friend called ‘The Spirit of God’, he led me through the darkest nights, shielding me against the shadows that threatened to swallow me alive, this new friend called Holy Spirit started talking afresh to me, destroying all the imaginations that has been planted by my heart.

In this new friendship I discovered that I am wonderfully and beautifully made , that am always in Someone’s thoughts , that I have Someone who is crazily in love with  me , when I heard  this , I couldn’t believe that I was this precious maybe because  I have wallowed in the dump too long , I had no idea this treasure exists . Then  the Spirit took me to  the love letter written by this Lover of mine centuries ago , in this Book  I found mysteries , in these letters , I rediscovered my femininity  ,in these scrolls I suddenly discovered that even before I was conceived I have been thought of by God, that am a strong reason He went to Calvary to die .

With each page I open in these scrolls, I knew I was never going to go on a trip again with my heart, at the corner of my room I saw my heart wailing because it has just lost a friend.

Memoirs of a girl gone wise.

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Nike'
    Dec 21, 2010 @ 15:37:31

    Girlfriend this post scared me, I honestly had to think back to a time where maybe I was sleep-walking and walked over to my laptop to write this. I would say that maybe I was drunk and wrote this without realizing it but I don’t drink. Your story of chasing after a guy all in the name of following your heart is my story! Everything you shared i can so relate. Mehn I spent years chasing after this dude, always doing the calling, cheapening myelf, toleranting his bull and trying to justify his mistreatment of me, wow, its like looking at myself in themirror. To be honest I’m actually still in the healing process.


    • Tolu
      Dec 22, 2010 @ 13:10:31

      nike, pls don’t be scared , God understands our weaknesses, and He is always ready to make us women of virtue , pls dont be depressed about your past , but seek God and tell Him everything , that’s what am doing and is working for me.


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