Saying No to issues

Few years ago , thoughts of sleeping alone in a room could make  me convulse , the mere sight of darkness made me wet my pants several times , then I guess I was just possessed with the spirit called fear , and trust my daddy, he made sure He took a drastic step to stop this my unreasonable habit.

Over dinner in my house , my dad will  intentionally talk about  the metaphysical world, he will gist my mother about the ghosts of family friends that appeared to him or to someone else , he will go ahead and lecture us about the power we have as living beings and how to say No to fear , but that didn’t help me , it only compounded my problems. He said we should learn to read people and have minds of our own , he taught us to be independent and confident in whatever situation we found ourselves, he drummed in our ears ‘’ don’t be yes men , learn to say No when  you need to say it , and vice versa’’.

Sadly my daddy’s expectation were not birthed on me as I am a middle child and I have a terrible disease , which for years has been  sucking me dry; I have an APPROVAL ADDICTION SYDROME.I don’t need a doctor to explain the pathological history of my illness to me , I know the symptoms , am aware of its destructive effects , the first step to the healing is to admit of its existence,

So to everybody that knows me and really thinks am cool, nice, maybe too nice sometimes, am sorry to announce to you that I have a sickness that makes me try so hard to make people like me , I just care too much about what people think about me . I am a needy individual, the thoughts of being in the bad books of relatives and  friends grieve me  and  it has made me addicted to this habit of always saying ‘YES’ to everyone

As a middle child , I feel it’s my responsibility to work hard for love , as a child , I struggled a lot for recognition from people , but no matter how much I tried , I am just the ‘ insignificant ugly duckling of the family’ then  all I used to hear from insensitive people were  ‘’ how come you are part of the Odeyemi’s , you are not even as brilliant as them , others are so pretty  and you are such a tomboy’’. As I grew with these words , something in me kept  telling me that I need to prove a point to people , a niggling thought kept on whispering to  me to work hard for people’s love , the more I try , the more frustrated and disillusioned I become . So for over a decade of my life, I have been a hard worker in the department of love   , I feel always unworthy to accept love that is given without strings, something in me screams that I should be nice to everyone so they can love me, my philosophy for over 23 years is to ‘’ always bring something to the table ‘’

This sickness had spilled into everything I have , at work , I can’t stop smiling to people , because I need to create an impression that I am that ‘ cute , smiley girl ‘which I know am not , am not bad either . In church ,  I am not really into the smiling thing ,but  come to see me on a Sunday morning ,  you are sure to see a peacock all fluttered with array of colours , I dress to always make a statement that  ‘’I am tush now , so  I  am qualified to be  your friend’’.

At home , I am that perfect homebody that respects everybody even the pets , I stuff my emotions in , so that folks will not know  the real me , I have heard comments like ‘’ tolulope doesn’t get angry , she is so calm ‘’ and I used to wonder about the truth of this statement  , because it’s just a blatant lie , I get angry , seriously hurt , I just don’t know how to show it . Because of my supposedly calm nature , I became a foot mat to people, because they usually feel they can get away with anything from me.

In my relationship, which is the funniest thing , I don’t like guys who are falling head over heels in love with me , because they look kind of cheap , I mean too accessible to me , I love to go to places where I have to work hard for love , so severally , I have found myself in bad situations where I need to literally chase a guy, my sickness has prevented from accepting love from people that love me for who I am.

With God, it’s more complex , because most times , I just it  find so hard to believe  that God will love me , the Scriptures sometimes look too simple and easy , I read about Jesus ‘s sacrifice , my favourite in the scriptures is Isaiah , which  eulogises God’s love and redemption for mankind , in all of this , I still struggle to believe , doubts plague my mind about how God is too holy to associate with someone like  me.

But there is no one like my God , He is patient with me , He knows my frame , He understands my weaknesses , whenever I break down and cry to Him to help me , He always remembers that He has dealt with ladies like me before , He closes His eyes , and He sees  RAHAB, BATHSEBA ,MARY MAGADLENE and He smiles because I am just one of His special girls . As He holds me in His hands , He keeps telling me that He’s not through with me , that I were to be  the only person that needed salvation , He will still  had come . This season I am not thinking about the weave on I need to fix, or the shows I need to go to  , or  the young man that I really need him to call me , am thinking and am praying frantically to God to teach me to accept His love and make me  say No to all the issues in my life.

I need to hold my head high in His presence and be the woman He wants me to be.